where i'm at today

Just been reading for a couple weeks. dx a few months ago, but think some where i always knew. have many parts. am working with T on finding them all, how they came about, when and what they are here for. Have some he says he knows about, but i don't see them. No memory of anything until i was 7, then very little till my late teens. multiple abuse, beatings and rape. Came to a head a 1 1/2 ago when i found myself across the country with no memory of leaving home or the time it took me to get where i ended up at. Still don't. The best way i can describe what i feel right now is this way.
The image i have is a mirror that is broken, with many different pieces, all different sizes and shapes, some dull, some shape, some distorted. My job is to find the pieces, try to fit them together, find out where they go and where they are. As the pieces go together, the distortions will lesson, making more of a whole. Allowing a clearer vision.
Problem is, I have no idea how to do this. I feel like I'm in a twilight zone. Everything i used to think was real, isn't. what i used to think wasn't, is.Usually in T's office, i become my little frighted girl and curl up in a ball, forget how to talk. Or else I'm the intellect/organizer that constantly seeks knowledge. On occasion my angry, rebellious teen shows up. He says he often sees the one he calls the "bad ***", he describes as nihilistic, narcissistic.

(((( shatteredmirror ))))) It's ok we all have many parts, ppl with DID tend to have larger gaps between the "knowing" that's "all." Take it slowly.. don't push yourself. Have a fugue can be very scarey, I'm sure. Glad you are ok.

Maybe you can plan for the session with T, in having some kind of "other" talk so the little girl in you can communicate with your T? A way to answer questions with head nods or shakes or pictures?

Ts are great aren't they? The only "trouble" they have with ppl with DID is they have to use all their skills in one session, as they never know who is showing up and how often in session! But they are trained to help each part... just as they would with totally different physical patients coming in for help (the child, the rebellious teen, the shy, the angry, the wondering parent...)

shatteredmirror,

I like your analogy very much. It fits very well with DID. Making your clearer vision is something you know how to do. At least somebody there with you does. You just don't know that you know how yet. Does that make sense to you?

I can barely remember being diagnosed, but I can relate to the what's real and what isn't real problem. Sometimes those things we hope and pray are not real come up and slap us in the face until we believe them.

I would like to offer one piece of advice. I would never question your T's judgement but sometimes when an alter does not have a name and a negative name is used it becomes, it appears, fuel for the negative behavior. I would use caution with that. Just my opinion with no offense meant at all.

I know how hard it is to post this kind of thing. It took great bravery to do this.

Keep yourself safe.

place

Thank you for sharing w/ us. Hope you like it here.
Some of my people's names were like "Bad Her". That was just her name. But yeah I agree tho, a T or anybody else, shouldn't 'name' them.
I had used the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle w/ many pieces missing. I do jigsaws so that's how I came up with it. I like your mirror one as well.
Love,
RM

thank you all. its not so much that he has named that one, but i think that is the way she appears to the outside. she is completely different then any others. she is very aggressive with a strong southern accent. i believe that may be her way of protecting the final "me" that was lost. The scared girl is allowed to nod, but that is it. last session, part told my T to not to talk or try to bring "me" back untill i was done reading aloud about the current trauma we are working on. That was very new to me. but he was good about it. did put limits on how long i could stay silent, but that was ok, i guess. i hear what i say sometimes and think its not me, and hear his voice from some where else? i kinda trust him, learning to still. its still so much like a dream though. again, thanks