[RhysMadison]

I had emailed this to some people, but just wanted to share it w/ everybody else. If you all remember in March I had to have a root canal & how panicky (an understatement!) I was.
My diary entry:
On 6-7-05, I had a 4pm appt for my 1st root canal crown. The 2nd appt is for the perm. Today is only the temp & to make a mold. My husband had to leave work early to take me there. It’s 20 min. but I can’t drive that far. When we got there, no records, no xrays from 2 mos. ago from the old dumb Deb. They don’t even have the records from my root canal at the orthodontist. The Dr. is retiring the end of this year, but hired a new secretary. Both are named Deb. 1st Deb sucked. She was so disorganized, loses so much, even my husband who’s been going there ‘bout 3 years. Didn’t have any paperwork on me. Even from 2 measly mos. ago. Anxious enough w/ panic then they don’t have a chart on me at all, not in computer. 1st Deb put my stuff in there. Guess wasn’t even billed for xrays from before. My husband did my medical history form, did one 2 mos. ago but misplaced along w/ everything else (I may repeat that several times here). I can’t do paperwork, I tend to forget my own name, literally. So he usually fills it out for me as I’m just too anxious.
I was in the room, in the chair. Dr. said I don’t need a crown, that sometimes they just fill it for small decay like mine. Takes less time, 30 min. compared to 1.5 hours plus another appt. for the perm. & cheaper. So I decided on that one. My husband had come in to ask the Dr. something (I totally don’t recall). He had checked psychiatric & put depression, anxiety, fear of dentists. So the Dr. would understand that I’m petrified here.
Was no nerves ‘cos root canal so only needed one shot, that was for the gum. It’s the upper left. 8 mos., I’ve had probs w/ this tooth, 8 stinkin’ months. Even after the root canal, a hole was there where food got jammed up & I’ve been in pain all this time. Even if I just ate on the right side, food does drift.
I dissociated quite a bit. One of my people, Eleven, wants to spit w/ water like childhood dentist & how you used to do it the old-fashioned way. Can feel the Body wanting to spit so it’s physical having to relax the throat muscles. Kept having to tell her, we don’t spit anymore, they suction it out. New person was created ‘cos we couldn’t stand the drill. “Artist”, to chisel. So we watched her make a sculpture in the mind.
When done w/ filling, after paying, we were out in the little hallway. My husband hugged me & asked “Who was out?” I cried. Said Thank you!! Crying w/ him. Said when he came in to ask Dr. of something & I was in chair, he knew I wasn’t out ‘cos I was less panicky! Dr. & receptionist said I did really good… if only they knew.
I told him ‘bout Eleven getting confused. A new one created, Artist. Just nice.
My husband & I had separated a few years back for a month. He had his own probs & me & my mental ones, clashed. He was nasty to me, saying that I choose my people over everything else. Well, duh. They are me. I can’t not choose them. Like asking me to cut my arm off. They are a part of me. It took him a few years to understand that. Like the Walmart incident a few years ago. We were in line, he said he smiled at me, said I smiled back. He told me he knew it wasn’t me ‘cos of my eyes. They get glazed when I’m not me. Just lately have I been more open w/ my family on when I’m not me. I’ve always been open w/ them, but not going in details like- Yeah, Eleven was out a lot today. She enjoyed the walks & puppy.
I would be vague w/ “I dissociated a lot”, I wouldn’t go into depth or detail on who I was. But I’ve been. I think I myself am a little more at ease w/ ‘me’.
Even my T had told me I should let them out more. I don’t have much time as it is as they seem to take the time. So we compromise. Set times for set people to be out. & I can still get ‘my’ stuff done w/o it being “Oh it’s midnight, I didn’t have the day today!” & I have to rush now to get all my stuff done.
Love,
RM

[fgh]

<font color="purple">Hello. I am not afraid of dentist. One time I went and my sister lied to grown ups saying we had 13 caveties and I did not! I do not get time much now. I do not get to talk to any body any more. jj.