update- things are looking up, & nice talk with T

so my pdoc has increased my meds and ever since then my depression has kinda went down. also i've noticed i don't have the overwhelming urge for T to call me so much. i even went a whole week without seeing her and i only sent her 1 email and didn't call her once. and i didn't even long for a response or a call from her. i've been getting out and doing things and distracting myself.

now, this sounds like good news, doesn't it? you would think. not for me though, its a lose lose situation for me all the time. i'm afraid that i'm getting better. i'm afraid that my depression is lifting. it scares me that i don't need T as intensely. its even gotten to the point that i haven't told either my T or pdoc that i'm feeling better. i'm just acting the same way and giving the same usual responses indicating i'm still pretty down. I still long for comfort from my T, that has not gone away. i'm afraid if i tell her i'm feeling a little better she'll stop any attempt at comforting me or feeling for me or understanding me or worrying about me or being concerned about me or hugging me or even seeing me period. i dunno. we've touched on how i'm afraid of getting better, and how she's not going anywhere, but i'm not assured. i'm still scared and now i'm stuck. almost to the point of letting myself recover...

because of the snow T's office was closed. she left a message saying she will call me at our apt time and we can have a phone session. now, previously our "phone sessions" were like 10 minutes and consisted of just catching up. she never charges for emails or telephone calls, they are just kinda like a continuation of my therapy that i pay for each week. but this time we talked for 40 mins. and she let me ask her the things i would have talked about if i had seen her. it was really nice. she didn't have to do that, she could have jsut said, "ok office is closed see you next week at our usual time" but she didn't. she asked her husband to take care of her son while she got away to spend time one on one with just me. i'm so thankful she did that and i realized i didn't even thank her. i want to.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better krazibean.

Can't you test out whether T quits comforting you and treating you "nice" if you tell her you're doing better? If it doesn't work, you can always pretend you're worse again? :-) But if she's still the same warm, comforting T even though you're better, you'll have the weight of your "secret" removed and not have to act.