Friday

Well, for two solid weeks now I have been working very hard on blending memories and having all the alters in the house stay together and present with me as much as we can while we are doing daily activities. It has been intense (to say the least) and challenging. But we know we are making big progress because we have almost completely blended the good and bad for ages 0-10yrs. Something we never thought we could ever be strong enough to do - or have the support we would need to do it.

Today I wanted to post here because I woke up crying again and it feels deep but I don't know why? I can not see my alter Mick at all - it feels like she is off hiding from me. And the Little One is clueless about what is wrong. Elaine is just telling me "You will figure it out. Just give it a little time." And I am feeling mad and hurt but no sure why! I want to understand WHY I am feeling things when I feel them. Not just feel stuff and have no clue as to what is going on.

I kinda feel bad still because I am on short term disability from work. I hate to leave "my" team like this. But I know that I have to do this because I was about to get fired and will be if I have another outburst thanks to Mick. Mick just wants to protect me. So I have to take the time off to heal up. Yesterday as I was doing my blending and eye movement work, I felt so good and strong! I thought "Oh maybe I will be ok in one more week!" Then this AM I woke up and felt inside like my entire world was once again in shards around my feet.

I know this must be a part of the healing. It happens in cycles for me anyway the up and down emotions. They are no longer as intense as they were years ago when I was in counseling. My prior T taught me how to "catch" my mood swings and "realize" the reality of them. He did not think I was bi-polar but did say he could see cycles in my emotions.

I wonder if those are from the CSA or PTSD? Not sure why I cycle this way emotionally.. .. I know I will come out of it. It is just that with the way I am feeling today, I was brought back to reality and realized just how sick inside I still am and how I still have a little ways to go for recovery. I wish all days were like yesterday when things make sense and I am happy on the inside and all the alters are enjoying who we are!

Maybe it was the dream we had. HUM..... We did dream we were back at work and everyone left us to do all the work by ourselves. That was a nightmare for sure. It did make me very angry in the dream and I wanted to scream!

I suppose the good thing I need to remember is that the truth is we are blessed to be allowed this time to heal up. So I will accept the truth that today I am still feeling the pain of years of agony. And today I will cry a bit for the little girl who spent most nights hiding under the covers.
But I will keep in our heart the truth that we are in truth healing.

We're all here for you as you get things sorted out. You're such an encouragement for me to know that healing is possible and I'm glad to get to be a part of your life even though it is in a very small way <3333333

((((((((((((((( biiiig Fox hugs! )))))))))))))))))

Fox - you are a much larger part of my healing than you may ever know.

Thank you dear one for being my friend.

wepow be proud of what you have achieved
1 step at a time is always good I to am having
some inside issues right now but we are getting there
perhaps grab a piece of paper and write down the
different thoughts that come into your mind
throughout the day and at the end see what you have
perhaps that will help you to see something.
Just a thought.

((((( wepow )))))

We send you lots of love and hugs today. We know what it's like to feel like the deep dark stuff sneaks up on you in your dreams and leaves you feeling trampled and confused once you awaken. Please know that you are an inspiration and a true healer, for yourself and others, and that having "bad" days only means that more of the deep and dark is coming out so that you can know it is there.

You are strong and brave and we hope that as today goes on and the pain comes out that you are knowing how truly loved you are. Yesterday when we were sad you were there for us and today we hope that we can do the same for you.

Maybe your dream was showing you that its ok to refuse to take on stuff that isn't yours. ???

Wepow we have not worked for almost a year. but in that time you have shown us courage and strength from all of who you are. WE hope that this time will allow those with in to heal and grow strong with each other. a time of reast from others while you take care of those with in is good.

((((WePow))))

I am sorry you are feeling this deep stuff once again. But you have done a wonderful job over the last few months and Mick has come on board with the work she is doing. It is all a process and while we sometimes can take a giant leap it feels, reality of what exactly we have endured does not leave and reminds us in many ways. It is not that you are not making progress, you are figuring out where to go from where you are.

To us, you have shared your path and we can watch the transformation you are going through and I know we feel blessed to be a part of it. You have given us inspiration that you do not even know of. It is going to take time for it took years for all of this to happen and it is not by any stretch something we did lightly. There are very specific ways we all are intertwined within so it could be safe for us to live.

Sometimes we can do something that feels so awsome but it seems like it comes and leaves almost as fast. I think that is because it takes time for that to filter through our system and for everyone to feel the effects of what is taking place. Remember all within are learning something new and trying to understand how we can be safe now. All they have known is protecting us and many times still work in that mode.

I know for us, today we had a major breakthrough. Though extremely exhausted, somehow we are scared again tonight. Within afraid of all the wants of trying to change but also afraid of something bigger than we are and that is of the truth of how deep all this runs and it cannot be overcome quickly. Our guard is up and she is afraid for telling.

Time is what we need to allow ourselves as we learn new ways to cope, ways we have never been allowed to even think like and never could we have imagined that it could be safe. We have been working in a protecting mode all these years and we are asking them to what?????? Though the hope within is that we can change the fact remains that for so long it was just a fleeting hope that nothing could happen again.

So each day taking a step forward no matter how little it may feel, to each of our systems it is like taking a giant step that somehow leaves little trails we have to step back to wipe up the overflow so that if this does not work we will not forget where we were that somehow brought safety for so long. It is all a work in progress that not only them but we have to face.

Sometimes leaving that place where for so long was our only safety and a known for us all is hard. Wondering if it is really going to be okay or are we going to have to dodge back for cover. As each day we progress we make the path a little clearer and the path a little wider for ourselves to be able to feel a little safer than the day before. Stepping back sometimes yet not staying as long as before.

As the safety feels a little clearer and more evident maybe the times we seem to step back shows more trust and a willingness to go a little deeper and allow even ourselves to look where it was once just too dangerous to even think about looking. And those within are learning to trust us a little more with that too. We left for a reason, we could not be there and still make it, so we buried things so deep so that they would never surface. But know we are being able to look at the stuff we never could even imagine.

We think you all are doing a wonderful job. One that is moving forward even in the step backs. You all are looking a little deeper. The not knowing or understanding would make total sense as we never thought we would get to this point. But you have and you are all stepping with caution yet stepping with a sense you have not stepped before.

Thank you for sharing your jouney with us and for letting us be a part of it. We know how hard it is and of the back and forths, but knowing that we never have to step back to that beginning place again. (Not sure we could as for us anyways--they are feeling pretty powerful having s voice for the first time). And that is progress no matter how small or big the step may be. I do not know if we have made any sense or not. We think you are doing just what you are suppose to do and are right where you are suppose to be.

Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Wepow Just a thought...I don't know if it means anything...Your dream is about being left, abandoned, at work ..all alone to fight, if you will. Now compare it to your work in T irl. Similar? Your hard work IS paying off but it hurts and is scary to all. Maybe that's why you had the dream. You may feel all alone in this fight, but trust me, you aren't.

Cali - great point!! Thanks!!!

DPS - you moved me to tears. Thank you for the wonderful insights. I will be reading your post to me many times. Much love!!!

(((WePow)))

((((WePow))))

Just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Thank you for your kind words and know that you are loved and appreciated much. Please let us know how things are going. I know sometimes things get really tough but we are here for you anytime. Sending many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

DPS - thank you for asking. We are doing OK today. Went out to eat with my best friend. She did not even know I was DID and she has known me for 20 yrs. That is how well we kept things hidden from most people. I think had the stress not just been so much this year that we could have continued without most ever finding out.
Anyway, she got to kinda meet my Little One and Mick came for a little while - but oddly, Mick did not really like my best friend at all. Said there was nothing in common and she was my friend and not Mick's friend.

Very strange how DID works. At least she was able to come out and me stay present and not in an anger situation which was the only time she would emerge in the past. So I think that counts as progress. :-) Hugs to you DPS!!!

((((WePow))))

I am so glad that you got out and that you were able to let yourself be who you are. I know what you are saying about others not even knowing we are DID. Most of the time we can hide it. Maybe that is because we were so good at hiding it so we could be safe all these years. And those within are finally feeling safe enough or that there is acceptance of them and we are allowing them, to have opinions known to us as well.

Figuring this all out is like unraveling a ball of yard that is different colors. Never knowing what color is coming up but knowing that they all fit together within that ball and somehow the colors do not even clash. As we begin to get to know others within there are many differences and many ideas, but as we begin to build that bond and communicate, for us anyway, we are finding that what seemed like a clash is really more of a blend of what really is.

Scary and questioning one another with the whys and hows, somehow those within begin to combined together with us and the pieces begin to come together forming the exact colors belonging together really never clashing at all. Somehow the puzzle is going together and forming the total picture and it fits. I know that is not easy for me to say as the waters here are raging many times but I know that with time things will calm down and we will be able to see this.

Sometimes I can get these pictures in my head and can somehow see where we need to go but bringing this down to my heart is something else. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are two different things. But it is something to works towards getting the two to meet. I think it is wonderful that you and Mick were able to disagree without the anger, that is progress. And maybe it is because Mick is feeling heard and listened to and that allows you both to feel that difference.

Does that make any sense? Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. Please keep us posted and know that you are cared for and loved. And Mick and the others too. A small step in our eyes is as big as a giant step. You are doing a great job. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps