[loveregardless]

New T doesn't want me. I feel stupid. I'm so upset.

[WePow]

(((loveregardless))) can you explain more?

[loveregardless]

Sorry. Just went through it here. Link if that's ok. I posted 3 times there to a few responses. Feeling calmer at the moment, but cycling through lots of feeling.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=132057

[WePow]

I just read and posted a reply. It is your right to demand mental health support.

[anderson]

safe hugs to you from all of us. we know of the cycling process we are doing it to. But pleaase know we be here for u too!! wove you from all of us

[loveregardless]

We love you too Anderson. We've been thinking about you and wanting to send lots of love, love, love. You are so kind and so loved by so many. Your words are inspiration and your heart is so kind. I haven't known exactly what to say, or been able to stay together long enough to respond in a way that makes sense every time I try the last few days. But you've been in our hearts and we are with you in spirit, too.

Thank you WePow, for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. Right now my go-to reaction is avoidance and hiding. Withdrawal. I don't do well with confrontation. One of us is really angry and can be really mean and I don't like to enter into situations where I know that my saying something I don't want to say is a possibility. Likewise, I just wouldn't feel comfortable even seeing her again. And the chance of my reaching out to another T anytime soon may well be pretty slim. This was the first time in 4 years.

I just feel so confused and spinny. It sucks. The littles are sad. The mean one is mad. The mommy's are trying to make it all ok. Some don't care at all. And me, I haven't a ****ing clue.

My old self-medicating route isn't even an option I want to consider either. I have smoked mj on and off for almost a decade. And it worked for the time, doing what I needed it to do (with no chance of making me psychotic). And I didn't realize until I started opening up to myself that what it did was separate me from THEM (inside). And now that I'm in this new place with everything, I don't WANT to feel separated from them anymore. I needed it at the time, I wasn't ready for what I am now ready for. And now that I am, I don't want to make them go away, sending them away like they are bad little children isn't ok anymore. I'm not afraid of them (not like before), I'm not ashamed of them (again, comparatively speaking)... I want to nurture and accept them. And make it ok for everybody, not just for me.

I think I'm going to throw us a pity party.

[WePow]

((( love ))) We understand the avoidance part for sure! As to reaching out to others, even if everyone else gives up on you - please never give up on yourself.

[anderson]

after we get done crying do u want to throw a beach party! You have us here now remember that when u feel so alone that is what keeps us going now>

[WePow]

Keep us posted on what you decided today - if you would like to do so. We are sending you tons of love and unconditional acceptance!

[loveregardless]

wepow, your the powwiest.

Today I'm trying not to think about yesterday. The day started out good, everybody seems really happy. My 5, that's all she calls herself, has made herself the loudest and clearest, she seems to be the spokesperson for the group, which I find pretty adorable. And it feels really good.

I'm going to wait until next week to revisit the T issue, since it did indeed blizzard here today, so that buys us some much needed time to reflect and gather our thoughts.

We hope your day is going better, or either way, that it is going, and that you are aware of how many hearts you touch and how loved you are.



andie andie andieson!!! we love you so so so much you are the bestest. we dont know if we can come to the beach today but we will keep you in our hearts so we cant be lonely no more, k? it good to know we are never alone.

(((Love)))
Finally a good reason to be grateful for a blizard! I'm glad you got extra time to figure this out. That must hurt terribly and no T should ever treat their patients like that. You do deserve much better.
I hope it gets resolved in a good way and maybe you can understand why T feels the way she does.

[krazy_phoenix]

(((((((((loveregardless))))))))))

The parallels in our lives are quite fascinating and interesting! It certainly seems you and I have similar outlooks on life.

I'm so sorry you feel so alienated by your T. Honestly, she sounds totally unprofessional and incompetent...and I agree with one of the comments (forgot who said it) about letting her know how she has made you feel before she goes 'bumbling on to the next client'. I don't blame you for not wanting to see or speak with her again, but maybe you could write her a letter. You have such lovely and articulate language and grammer, and write your feelings so understandably here on PC, I'm sure that a letter sent would help you unload your disappointment and feelings of abandonment and restore back some of your power. Just because your T clearly has issues, don't let it get you down. It just means that there is another and better T out there for you. As you say, she just wasn't the one. See her as a practice run - you can say all you need to say! You'll be so much more prepared for the next T.

I've had some absolute doozies. I had one who had a full-length mirror placed behind me and she would ask me questions but look at herself in the mirror instead of looking at me when she spoke. I had one who would play solitair on the computer - which I could see!!! - while I was in session. I had one who would pick his fingernails with his pen the whole time, and I had one who would cry when I told her stuff (stuff that I didn't even think was all that bad - just stuff!) and one who could never remember my name. Over the past 20 years, having more T's and, like you, more dx's than I could poke a stick at, I've come to realise that they are just human. People who chose, and goodness knows why, for one reason or another (some because they are as 'rescuers' or 'martyrs', and some because they think they are so much smarter than everyone else that only they know whats going on inside someone elses head) to go to school and learn to be a T, and like all industries, the mental health industry has its dropkicks and morons who should've chosen to do something else! And to finish off my little rant, here's a nice cliche for you - IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HER!! Stupid woman. A good T is a gem, and I am blessed to actually have two working simultaneously with me - but the way I look at it, for all the crappy ones that I've been through, I deserve these two good ones!

Sorry its long, really just wanted to say don't give up.

kp (just reread post - started out as Jenni, but you ended up with me - oops ).

[loveregardless]

Thanks calista, krazy and everyone else....

Just had another crap nightmare and woke up about 20 minutes ago, so I'm totally out of it and not in the best place. But I will respond more later. My love to you all.

[anderson]

Loveregardless we sorry you had nightmare. we hope u feel better soon. And the simple truth is that most people that have never lived with DID have no IDEAL on how to deal with the mixt emotions that come with it. The surport that I get here is best thing that has ever happen to us and many others here. We all have been there that is why when we talk most of us feel heard not just played down to. good luck.

[loveregardless]

Today = Panic