[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you for listening. I don't know where to start so I'm just gonna start rambling... One of us is having a huge anger thing going on, in fact I'm getting hammered right now for writing this. This part of us, of me, of us, God I don't know anything anymore, anyway I'll call her R, is really going off. It started after we, I, we, read 'Today I'm Alice' by Alice Jamieson on the weekend. I read it in two sittings and could feel R building or climbing or something while I was reading it. It is an extremely graphic and triggering account of incest, SRA, and DID. I was horrified, repulsed, broken-hearted for Alice for her experiences. But like all books, I closed the last page and put it down and that was that. But now R is in rage mode and I can't calm her down. We never talk anyway but are aware of each other, but R is wreaking havoc inside and out for me and my IRL family. She has gone into total denial of the rest of us, saying we have no right to even talk about DID. She is sooo angry at God. She wants to cancel all appts w T's because we need to 'just get on with it' and says T's are putting all this in our head, that we're pathological liar w desperate attention needs, that we have simply an extremely defective memory and need a CT scan, not a therapy session. I guess its all stuff that we went thru at the start of our dx, but this time is different. R has so much power behind her that she hasn't had before, like she's grown 5 times her size. I know I should be telling my home T this but she had to cancel our appt for tomorrow - and don't you think R loved that! My pdoc T isn't till Monday. R has been building all week and frankly I'm a bit scared. I don't know why exactly I'm writing for help because i have no idea what it is that I need help with...I guess I just need to hear that you guys may have had a similar thing happen??? I don't know how to diffuse her. We have had some big issues happen this past week besides the book, but the book seemed to be what made it all happen. I don't have any clear or concise memories of trauma for me as a child which is also making R say it is all a con. Have any of you successfully had hypnotism to help recall memories? Thanks again for listening. Sorry for rambling. Hope you are well in your world.
kp

[Fox]

Hi Phoenix, I'm sorry I can't be of much help. I'm still new to my dx. But when I read triggering material I can feel my angry one stirring and coming close to the surface. It is super scary. But do know that R at one time had to protect you from those things you read and they are possibly reliving the trauma through your reading. Please be safe.

R if you're listening please know there are many of us who have gone through similar things and when you're ready, we'd like to know how we can help you get through all that you've been through.

[starrina]

Ramble all you need to
We have an angry alter and yes at times he gets very very agressive
I think R is trying her best to in her own way to protect you all
from something in yur past something this book brought to the surface
perhaps you could try to simply talk to her just speak what
you wish out loud I am sure she will hear you.

[loveregardless]

kp, hugs to you my dear friend.

I went through something similar most of last week, when one of my other parts, who hasn't yet identified themselves, chased away the littles that I do have contact with and left me feeling very isolated, alone and afraid. They were on a rampage for sure. And it was a bunch of negative dialogue that by the end of the week I was almost convinced was true because of how much rage was behind their "voice". I could barely get 5 to come back out this Monday for little's group. It was a hard week.

After 5 did come back out we had a talk about her trying to stand up to this other part next time instead of hiding, because right now she is my bravest friend inside, and part of me thinks she could scare away any monster if she knew I needed her.

Are there any others inside that you could ask to help you on your team right now?

I have also seriously considered hypnotism for years because I do not know what did or did not happen to me either. All I have are the after-effects, which my entire life I tried to rationalize away. My mother to this day insists that I am essentially "making a big deal out of nothing". Or tells me that "it's normal". Meanwhile these after effects (don't want to go into detail for many reasons) have defined my life since early childhood. And it has never felt normal or ok to me.

Sorry if that isn't much help. But we love you kp, and we send many many hugs and lots and lots of love and strength.

[anderson]

((((((KP))))))
When dealing with anger alters in the past the fallowing things in the end have been true in one way or the other.
*Number 1 reason they think that they are protecting you or themselfs from the pain of remembering.
*More time then not some are the protectors of the body. With the past set of memiors of being abuse by other women. we find that we have those that would rather face death then to accept this fact. We are slowly getting them to understand that the shame belong to those women that took from us that was not theirs to take.
* we also had alters that deleberatly hurt the body to prevent outsiders from hurting us more for not doing what the outside controlers wanted the body to do. To these alters by getting the insiders to do what the outside contolers wanted us to do then they were prevent us from being punised more surverly.
*The key to them was to get them to understand that the body was safe and that with the memiors come the pain. But once dealt with the server emotional and body pains could and would fade with time.
*We had an anger journal in this one we onnly allowed those that need to exspress their feeling safely with out hurting others. it took time but when they found out that they could write and not be punished the weight they carried lessened in time. The ones that carried this burden are no longer alone but are now being intergrated into the larger groups. Good Luck.

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you all dearly.

Yesterday was a really horrible day for us, yet here we still are. Thank you for your support, each and every one of you, including those who read but don't write for whatever reason, as is so often the case with myself.

Loveregardless, I too have a life-time of after-effects (I like that terminology) that I have either denied happening at all or have rationalised away. There is a kind of slow dawning of reality that seeps into the mind as minute pieces of a very big jigsaw puzzle are grouped into rough themes and it appears as though a pattern is starting to emerge.

As always Anderson and Fox, thank you for your openness and sharing. A few of your points anderson hit home.

And thank you for your support Starrina.

Thank you all for sharing with me. PC is my only outlet for discussing any of this (outside of T's), and yet even still it is hard to be open (as I'm sure it is for most).

Love and friendship to you all,
kp

[Hunny]

KP, saw you here but was unable to respond...just wanted you to know...thank you for your protectors and for all those others inside too.

Luv,
Hunny


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