Wrong to make a little talk about abuse?

This is our dilemma right now. Remy holds the memories of the abuse, and obviously the emotions, so essentially it happened to her. Most of the rest can discuss it without really being affected, since it didn't happen to them (if that makes sense). However, all they really know is the very basics: that it happened, who did it, how old, that kind of thing. The only person who really knows everything is Remy...but she's not stable enough to handle reliving it. We've discovered that Raegan is co-conscious of the others when she's out, so we're pretty sure she has access to the memories, though, like I said, it didn't happen to her so it wouldn't trigger her or cause flashbacks or anything. My problem is mostly ethical: is it "right" to have an 8 year old talk about CSA??

This is the only way (so far) that we've thought of to talk about the abuse. And because our T is a PTSD specialist who deals with minors, most of her clients are kids; I think she'd really be able to help Raegan deal with it if it started to overwhelm her.

Let me know what you think. Obviously we want help for the abuse, but we don't want to push Raegan into anything she's not emotionally capable of...we're quite torn .

((((((AtreyuFreek))))))) We totally understand that right now the alter that held most of the emotional baggage of past abuse shared with the others. It can be overwhelming for the whole system. Shadow was a younger alter too. but when the dam broke loose it was all out. When talking with past T the ones that did not understand how it works for us it was hard for them to understand how one part could give a narritve on what happen to the body but when another alter came out that one held the emotion containt of the situation. When we were going to our T back east when those parts where coming to the surface we laid down some safe guidlines. To help protect the whole from over reaction. Talk with your T and tell her how you feel. And ask about safety rules that can help you feel safe as a whole. Remember our safety bag it has the iteams that our alters need to feel safe. If you can communicate with this alter find out what makes her feel safe and take it with you also find out a safe word that she can use to tell the T that she is geting overwhelmed by the topic. safe hugs from all of us.

((((AtreyuFreak))))

Thank you for posting and for asking. I know that it is hard when one holds so much and the need for them to come forth to share is there. But through our experience, making one talk can be so damaging. When you are ready to handle the memories and all within feel you are, it will happen.

For us, we have one within, Victoria, who knows everything yet there seems to be no emotional attachment. She can tell things without all the emotion. It seems that many times she will step forth somewhat padding the way for others to come. She keeps everyone going and hold much of the safety part of our system.

It seems that when I am ready for something it is then brought forth by whoever needs to be heard. When we first moved it seemed so many were telling parts of the whole yet not going too far. Testing the waters and constantly asking many questions. No one was ever forced to talk or share. We were forced for so long to do things and to never tell, that to force was not something that would have been good for us. And talking takes time as they learn to trust and to open up.

Finding that co-consciousness helps as then they are not alone and are able to hear what needs to be heard. When one holds so much and another holds the memory only that can be okay too. Sometimes for us one would tell something as the memory and then the emotional part came later when we were able to deal.

For so long we believed that emotions were not possible and to have them would get us in trouble. Tears were never possible so to have the emotions was dangerous at first. Those within carrying the emotional part would not come forth for a long time. Knowing the emotion was there but not ever being able to get in touch with it for it was being kept safe until we came to a point that we felt it okay to even recognize them.

Recently, inside has found out through communicating that they were not alone. It seems we are no longer compartmentalized in that everyone knows others have been through things and some hold the same or parts of memories and others hold them alone. But none of them now are alone within but are together.

The last several nights they have been gathering around myself and holding me up when I felt I would crumble. It seems as though there is a collaberation going on that has never taken place. Waiting on those within to tell what is being held and sometimes it has not only to do with their readiness but also the readiness of myself.

Many told our friend and t things before I ever knew anything about them or what all was within. They were creating their own safety and trust over time. But no none has ever been forced to talk. I think forcing would make the problem worse as it takes time for them and you to be ready and to know that there is safety. And even then sometimes it comes out in bits and pieces.

We are at a critical point, a point where the deepest darkest secrets are kept. It is taking time and it is exhausting. But in order for those within and myself to be able to work through these we have to find that trust and not only trust in someone but within ourselves as well. Sometimes we trust one another but sometimes with what they carry, it is important for them to really feel safe within themselves and within you.

Just some thoughts and hoping that things are going okay for you all. Give yourself time and space to be able to do this work. It is not easy and sometimes it can be a long time to get it to come but in time it will. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Can you all talk to Raegan and see what she has to say about trying it that way? Since she knows the facts, just explain that she might be able to help if she can tell a memory or two at a time, maybe not more, and how she'd feel about that and what might help her, etc.

I will try to initiate a "group meeting" so Raegan can share her feelings tomorrow, when we'll have time and there's no homework to distract us. I did want to point out that at NO time whatsoever will we force her into anything she's not totally comfortable with. I don't care how much it would help to force her; nothing is worth that. It's only if she is totally okay with it that we would let her do this; I'm just thinking of the ethical-ness (is that a word?) of this hypothetical situation.

I think, since everyone is in the same group that ethically, it will be okay. I would think of it like friends wanting to help each other if they could; retelling, even experiencing what happened still won't have made it actually have happened to Raegan since it isn't actually happening now to her. Like PTSD, the flashbacks and dreams are not the real thing, they're just proof that yes, something really really horrible happened and one is right to feel the way one feels and react the way one reacts. Raegan will be helping validate Remy!

I bet Raegan will feel proud to be able to help (most youngsters do) and will like the attention and will feel good if you accent that you'll be doing everything you can to keep her safe and comfortable. The others will be "watching" and might get a little "jealous" of how well she does and what attention she gets and be more willing to both help, and share themselves?

(((( Atreyu )))) In our situation, it helped to have the alters share what happened with T. But it was not easy. And it took a ton of trust in T. And it took the fact that T reached out to the alters and treated each one as he would a person of that age. He works with kids of abuse so he knows how to do that in a safe way. And the alters responded as kids that age respond. And T was able to help them share their stories with us in a safe way - just as if we had been seeing him while we were that age.

That is our experience.