Trying to Listen, take it in, be still.............

I posted this somewhere else but wanted to share it here with those of you that have supported and are walking this path. This path we are walking is hard but time is on our side as each day we reach forward to those who care and walk this road together.

(This was written yesterday but was afraid to post it for somehow seems it does not make sense, yet it does. Somewhere I am standing almost as if looking into the abyss of my life that is opening up waiting for me to look inside. I am so afraid of falling in yet if I do not look I will be engulfed already.)
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Today I feel like it is all I can do to push these keys. I must make myself move. I must make myself keep going today but I feel like I’ve dropped and trudging through mud. I feel my head hurt but with a pain that cannot be explained. I keep hearing songs and words that at times get so fast and loud and I cannot seem to shut it off. I feel shaky inside as if I am cold and shivering as I did when I was a child and could not get away- from what I ask myself? I feel like I want to run, to keep going but I cannot today for in the same breath I am too tired. Or maybe I am too afraid. At times I cannot turn off my thoughts and the noise, yet at times it is so silent I feel almost as if no one is home.

I wish someone could understand but I fear that I cannot explain it to anyone so that it makes sense. I sometimes feel as though my body is going to crawl outside of itself. I sometimes hear someone and answer yet whom am I talking to? And yet what is so bad is no one can know or at least I do not know how to tell anyone. I know it is those within that are trying to come forth but I am scared. They hold those things that were held so deep within, those things I know not of. Those things that are trying to come forth and though knowing it is necessary, it does not make it any easier. I have heard them yet I know not where they are for they only show themselves in the stillness and quietness. They step forth and I am away. I feel this heaviness and I cannot step back. Their presence, exhaust me and scares me.

No one sees me behind closed doors—the cleaning, writing, re-arranging, and constant thoughts but I do, and I cannot stop at times. I get exhausted from talking yet never uttering a word outside of myself for no one is here except those within myself. Sometimes I feel as though I am going crazy, sometimes I just want it to stop. Is this life? I did not ask to be this way. Sometimes I scream HELP into my pillows but no one knows and no one hears me. Somehow I tell myself no one can know. The place I fear no one can come to yet needing someone to know where I am. Who could understand what I am not sure of? Silence yet at times racing, who could even begin to get the picture that I am so desperately trying to paint?

Words, a jumble of emotions that are engulfing me, don’t look at anyone for eyes tell too much. I see others but a wall transparent to others rises, standing between those on the other side of that wall and myself to keep safe. Touch is beginning to hurt yet part of me needs it. We never thought we would get to this place, the place that no one has ever seen. They say this is progress, I say I am terrified. I have never been here and we have never allowed anyone to be here. To walk this close to that which has been hidden for so long, to hear the very words never spoken, and to know all that lies within. Where feelings that were never allowed were pulled so deep within and where words alone cannot tell but the feelings tell it all.

Today the world feels as though it is beating down on me, almost as if I cannot get a breath. I could crawl back into bed and pulled the blanket over my head. I feel that I want the world to stop today, and take me with it. At times I feel I am floating away, the emptiness I feel within is screaming, maybe the emptiness that I am disconnected from those who hold so much. Sometimes I hear them but from a distance. I know they are there yet maybe I am pushing away because I know they have something for me to hear----to face. Deep inside is a dark eerie feeling, knowing what I have to do and doing it are two different things. It is so hard to face it, breath, take it in, and be still. To slow down feels as though I am inviting it to come the monsters of my mind jumping out between images of realism and memories, and it all seeming to engulf me.

Does any of this make sense? I need it to yet I do not know the words to say what is going on. How do I let someone this close without letting down the mask that has been held up for so long? So many questions, no answers----just slow down, please. Knowing I have to go here to move forward yet so afraid of what lies hidden and waiting to be revealed. Fear engulfing me and tears streaming down, I am trying to listen and hear those within telling their memories----knowing they are myself that has been waiting for me to catch up.

dps

((((( dps ))))))))))) It does make sense! I am sorry that you are in a hard time right now. It takes a lot of work to just keep on fighting and make your way through. But you can do it. You ARE doing it as my T says. :-) BIG hugs!

((((((((((dps))))))))))

we know how very hard it is right now...remember to breathe hon...we r sorry u r in this place right now...reachin out our hand to grasp when u r ready...

abbi

(((((DPS)))))
We are sitting here and listen to you, all of you.
Today even we are wondering can any one truly understand us.
Just know we be here for you.
From all of us to all of you my friends and family.

(((((DPS)))))

I am here for you.

Hunny


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Thank you all for your support and for caring. It means more than you could know. Right now tears fall and I sit here with a heavy heart yet knowing this is where I am suppose to be and somehow I will survive this once again. And as real as it seems I know that we already made it through and we will somehow be okay.

Today was a very hard day as those within have revealed some memories that had not been told. Fear sometimes grips me as I try to hear and listen to what they say. The picture begins to unfold before my eyes almost as if I am back there once again and for the first time I am there as if it is happening for the first time. And though it is not it feels that way.

Trying to hide within so no one can see what it is doing to me, I pull away and push back the tears sitting right on the edge of our eyes. A burning takes place and I feel myself go to a place that is far away, almost so that no one can know. The fear grips my insides and I am no longer blocked from what I was hid from. The hurt and feelings come back full fold where once a shell and someone else stepped in.

Sitting there my heart pounds and I can hardly look away from the scenes there before my eyes. The movie playing there cannot be any worse than if I were actual there for it feels so real and for the moment no one else is around me or in the room but those there that did those things and myself no longer able to hide away. For my eyes now meet those that come for me and I feel the pain sore through me.

Somehow those feelings of worthless and nothing filter through me like a cold wind that nothing can block. They step forth the very ones that stood there for me and I accept them back. Feelings are real and raw as over and over time seems to stand still away from this time I now live in. No one feels present but me and those within, and I feel as though to be touched is pain and something I run from.

The day seems long as I sit there trying to find a way to get past that which has been given back and somehow I have to be strong and hold on. Somehow turning off those very feelings until I am alone. Maybe it is from the shame or the worthlessness, or not wanting anyone to see me break down, but I fight to hold back the tears and fear. Not until I am alone is it okay to break down and know.

Now the night has come and my fears feel huge. The darkness enveloping me as if it will swallow me and no one will find me. Yet, holding on to the fact that we made it through the first time we will make it through the memory. But it feels so real and I wonder if anyone really gets that or am I just somehow hoping? Somewhere within my heart has sunk and the reality of what took place now known and tears fall even as I sit here writing this.

Somehow wishing someone was here with me, yet knowing that I have to do this alone for no one else can do this for me. Wanting to pick up the phone yet knowing that those I would call to are sleeping and I cannot allow myself to wake them, for they cannot do anything anyways. But this aloneness is scaring me more tha n words can tell and somehow just a voice wuld let me know I am not alone.

Trying to find a way to sit quietly with this knowing that the darkness will lift and the morning will come again, but somewhere inside me right now cries for me and for that child that did not deserve that. And somewhere a small heart beats and I know she is me and somehow I grow a little more to love her for what she has survived, and for the creative way she did it.

dps

((((DPS))))
Watching the memoirs of abuse is so hard. To feel all that we have been through wondering when it will ever end????? Just know that we are sitting here with you day by day night by night wondering when our feet will be real or are they always going to be made of clay. Safe hugs to all that you are and know that we are here for you until Our feet make up their mind what they are made of.

(((dps)))

i am so sorry you are hurting. no person, no child should ever have been hurt like you have been. it is completely wrong. i admire you for your strength. it has taken a lot for you to survive, but there is a reason you did. you have the power of resilience and creativity. you have very special gifts and talents to offer this world. all of you. i am happy you are still here with us as a survivor.

i wish you strength and power in these dark times. your words are so poetic, and i want to thank you for sharing them. your pain is so real. i think sharing those feelings is very important. sharing our lives with friends can help us feel less alone, share the grief. and share the happiness too! healing is such a difficult process, but i believe in you and i believe you can get through this, one day at a time. there is some very special light deep inside of you that keeps you going, and i believe it will always be there. take care of yourself the best you can. i am so sorry the memories have been haunting you. you are better than them, though. you are wonderful and you deserve to feel peace.

life is hard, but we are not alone. we are often hurt, but we can also feel happiness. i believe life has many cycles... and even though now seems so terrible, i think it is a sign that things will get better. it will be ok eventually. i take that as my motto. (and on some days... i only have the heart to say, "it will be ok eventually, maybe..." and i think that's ok too). but hold on to your hope, at least a little. things can get better. you can do it. you have survived so many terrible things, and you made it through! you are strong and brilliant.

i will send you positive energy.
i am glad you have found this community for support.