[michelle421]

i have had a lot of work to do today... i feel like i've been working really a lot lately (and i still will be working a lot since one of my coworkers just stopped working here last week). my partner is done with school for the semester, and has a lot of free time now. i am glad she has more time to get things done that she wants to do, but i also miss her when i am working. we have a special connection, and really are so happy spending all our time together.

today i had an extra long break from work and even though it wasn't a ton of time, it was enough that i wanted to try to go home for a bit before coming back to finish work tonight. i didn't just want to sit around alone. i ordered take out from near work... and was super sad that they didn't have it ready when i got there since i called WAY ahead... still, i waited and finally i got the food and got home through the terribly humid and hot yucky air (made me grumpy, i don't like to sweat so much. icky sticky air.) i heard it's a record high temp, tied with this day in 1874!!

anyway when i got home... sweet rosie was there. one of my partner's alters, she is about 13 years old. i was so happy to see her! even though i was pretty grumpy overall, i was SO glad i came home (it wasn't for long ). rosie lifted my spirits. i haven't seen her around in a while, and i have been thinking about her a lot... wondering if she's doing ok, if she need to talk. i like so hold her close and give her safe hugs, too when she needs them.

i heard that rosie and my partner had some overlapping bad dreams this morning. my partner woke up feeling bad, and i was glad to be there to hold her and tell her it was safe and ok. i think it's interesting that rosie told me some of the dreams she had overlapped with my partner's.

it was so hard to come back to work. i didn't want to leave rosie... i wanted to stay and talk to her and hang out. she didn't know i was bringing food, so she had already eaten... but i left it there in case she wants some later. she also said she hoped i wasn't disappointed that she was around instead of my partner. and i think that is just ridiculous! i was so happy to see her! it's been far too long since i've seen her, and it really means a lot to me when i get a chance to hug her close and tell her how much i like spending time with her. i'm just really glad i went home. i think there was a reason i really felt like going home even though i was short on time to do it. i'm SO happy i got to see her. what a sweetheart. i hope maybe i can still hang out with her later...

[justdontknow]

Michelle,

Thank you for posting this. Many people that I know don't care about or even want to know about my alters. It is great to hear that you care about your partner, all of her. She is lucky to have you, as you are lucky to have her. It sounds sappy, but I cried a little when I read your post. It brings me hope.

Cris

wish we could talk to you too but glad you had a good time with her

[michelle421]

thank you cris and trinity.

i wanted to share some more thoughts on last night... maybe see if anyone has any suggestions for how i can be supportive to rosie. we got to spend the evening together after i got back from work, and i'm really glad too.

we had some time to chat online while i was at work, and i think that can be helpful because talking about things through writing is very different than talking in person sometimes. rosie told me that she was having a harder time staying occupied, but that was unusual for her. she said that she was feeling different than usual, but couldn't really describe how. she also mentioned that she feels a little more grown up than before. i think maybe she is doing some growing up, and this may be a transition period in her life.

have any of you had experiences with alters growing up? any suggestions on how to be supportive of this?


also, the last relationship my partner was in was actually quite damaging to all of them in her system. the previous partner was a good friend of mine for a number of years... but i had a falling out with her around their breakup too because i had been treated poorly in the friendship and it had taken me so long to even realize that i was being abused by a friend. i think she had/has issues with BPD that haven't been addressed. she had major issues interacting with people. very manipulative. and that person had relationships with my partner's alters as well. only it wasn't healthy. she thought the whole DID thing was really cool. but i seriously think she didn't totally understand it. she was caring about all the other people, but she often coaxed them out when she wanted to be with them. she manipulated them. she basically used them with the cover of being a friend and partner. though she made them feel like real people, she acted in ways that were not safe. she was intimate with rosie, and that was really wrong. rosie has had a lot of conflicting feelings from that... and i want to help her know that she does deserve respect. i will love her and respect her for who she is, not who i want her to be. i want her to know it is ok to be who she is, and she deserves safety and happiness and health.

anyway... i have been trying to help rosie talk through her feelings about that relationship, and other abusive things she was told. last night i learned that rosie thinks there are things about her, characteristics (her word) like her child-like innocence and eagerness to please, that make it impossible for other people to resist using her body for their pleasure. (i'm sure a lot of that came from her childhood abuser/s) i understand how abusers can coerce that way of thinking onto people, and it's not ok. my "ex-friend" told rosie she liked her a lot, and that she was so pretty she couldn't help herself. that's a really terrible thing to say!! and i dont think she understood at all how terrible that is, especially from someone with a background of massive abuse as well.

i am glad that rosie is talking about her feelings of growing up. she feels less child-like. but i still want to address the fact that it was not her fault that bad things happened to her. she can be herself, and she still deserves respect. other people never have the right to do what they want. it's wrong to abuse people like that, especially children.

so... any thoughts on these things would be helpful. i am just so grateful that i got a chance to talk to rosie last night, especially about these issues. i have had the feeling that she really needed to talk through the things in her life, and since she's been away for so long I was feeling concerned for her health. i know she will be ok. i am so happy she is in my life.

[beyond_blue]

This resonates with me a lot. You're right...some people don't understand or don't care about the seriousness of mental illness. Our oddities are somehow amusing. I'm new to DID, so I can't offer much advice.

Reading your comment made me so sad. I'm glad you're there for her now and will not take advantage of her. Rosie has feelings too.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Michelle))))

Thank you for sharing and I am so glad that you got to spend time with her too. It is so important that the others are listened to and believed. For they hold things that many times we are unaware of for a long time for that is why we separated to begin with. They have done things for us that no one else could do. They endured things we could not at a time when it was not safe to be who we were.

I think it is so special that you respect her and listen to her. For that is so important and sometimes is all that is needed. I wish sometimes that some one had listened to those within instead of retraumatizing them. Sometimes others do not get it but they are real for us and they did what we could not to get us to where we are today. They have feelings and thoughts and need to be heard in order to grow and change.

Your willingness to listen means so much. I know that those within myself need to be heard and need to know that they are believed. For so long no one would listen or believe. There was no safety and the abuse continued in so many different ways. Not until three and a half years ago did anyone outside of therapy listen and believe. It was hard to allow them to step forth in fear of re-traumatizing them as they had already been through so much not only when we grew up but throughout life.

Thank you for caring about your partners others within. And thank you for sharing. It touched my heart and many of those within myself. We are so blessed to have someone in our life that believes and listen to those within ourself. It has allowed for healing to start taking place and for trust to begin to bulid where trust never was. It has also allowed us to begin to work together and to listen to those within ourselves in working through things and facing things.

Sometimes all it takes is one person to care and to risk reaching out. I know for me and those within the person that reached out to us started the possible journey to healing that we had almost lost hope of having. Because our friend cared we have been able to reach within and listen for in being heard without it has opened the doors within to begin to have that co-consciousness and collaberation we needed to start being able to heal within.

I think you are a wonderful person and support for your partner and for many here too. Thank you Michelle for caring and for sharing the many things you have brought here and for the hope that you are sharing with many here. Know that you are cared about and appreciated. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps