[Hunny]

In a way I/all of us am/are getting glimpses of what it is like to be whole and integrated. They come in flashes, like I know what happened, where I have been, how I have gotten back here and what it is like to be here. But they are only flashes of total lucidity, time has passed but it okay. This does beg for a 'hallelujah!'

Coupled with that I have different body images of crying, being curled up in a ball, screaming, lying numb on a bed and a mental image of being blocked (was that the drugs they used?). Images of other subtle acts of degradation on other occasions, on my body, flash now and again across the views of the mind. This part carries so many hurts but I rationalize with her that they will be dealt with one by one and that she is not being judged and that yes, until she has felt all those feelings we may be blocked for sometime yet. I am using the word blocked instead of stuck because it does seem more like a block. This blockage seems to being felt on my right side of my back around waist level and on right side by right hip bone. There is a deep inner dull throb that lasts only briefly, then is gone. This possibly could be something like a medical thingie, so I will watch out for it. I am packing a great deal of weight but this does seems to be tied to digestion of something.

Working through what we worked through is my intense knowing that she had below average value, particularly of the body at the time. She didn't know she did, she always tried to fix it up to be socially appropriate for the times. The mind accepts that she didn't know and that she did the best she could and that we love her anyway. This certainly would be an outcome of the neglect of the value of the life this body was given. Here for a purpose but what purpose? To have no value but and except to show how valuable the sister is and to be used by whatever male or female may come along.

Suddenly what happened to her (the sister) became more important than what happened to me/her. My/Her guilt and shame around what the sister experienced played out to be more important than what happened to her/me, even though what happened to her/me was extremely violent that night! She was the valuable one. But she is beginning to hear she/I/we is/are the valuable one/s! The other people could continue to use her/me as she had been saved from whatever may have happened to her.

PC/DD Forum People...I appreciate you. Please forgive my inability to function here for some days. It is working through such tremendous bad experiences that we liken it to almost re-experiencing (but dear God, thanks it is NOT).

Do keep hope up for all of us and I will for you too.

[complic8d]

(((((((((((((((Hunny)))))))))))))

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((((Hunny))))))))))))))))))))) Rest as you can. We are here.

[justdontknow]

We are sitting here with you, listening. We hope the best for you and give you support. We wish you the best and please know that we care about you. Sending gentle hugs and positive thoughts from the hotel. Take care of yourself in whatever way you need to.

Hotel Cris

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((hunny))))

Thank you for posting and please take care of you. We hear you and we are here for you. We care and somehow we understand so much of what you said. The pain of healing is so real and almost at times as though we are walking right back there and the fact is in a way we are for we were really not there and present as ourselves. For this we are blessed as it was what pulled us through and we were able to survive.

The realizations and feelings are real and they look you right in the face at times taking away the very breath you are trying so hard to breath. The fact that you were very creative and did what you had to do to survive was wonderful but now you are stronger and ready to accept those things back from the others.

For us this time has been some of the hardest stuff we have done. Walking back and taking back those things is hard work and we understand where you are right now. The road seems to somehow get really narrow at times and feels endless and like there is no one else that would dare to walk this path. For sometimes it feels as though if we take one wrong move we will fall endlessly down somewhere but that place is unknown.

Please know that you are worthy and a wonderful creative person who we love and count a blessing to be our friend. Someone who is doing all she can to walk this path to healing and accepting each day that which is not easy to accept. We walk this path with you reaching out our hand of friendship to you to take as you can and will....................................
..........................................................................................It is always there.

We are so sorry this is so hard for you and we hear the pain and heartache you are going through. We know what it is like to walk here and we also know that there is a way out if we keep reaching and taking care of us. Take time for you and remember to breath. The memories cannot hurt you for you already survived the trauma.

It was not right what happened to you and we are so sorry. The strength that we see in you gives us hope and strength to walk on in our healing. Thank you for that. Hunny, know that we care and are here for you. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. If we can do anything we will. We are here.

I hope this make some sort of sense and that you know you are not alone. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[anderson]

((((((Hunny and bees))))))))
Please know that we are here.
listening and finding our way to.
Please know that we are sitting and hoping that all within will find peace.

[Hunny]

Thank you Complic8d, Wanttoheal, Justdontknow, DarkpurpleSecrets and Anderson for your many kind words of support and coming along-side to sit with.

Amongst the whole we are very appreciative despite have to do this in bit and spurts and not particularly totally wholly co-conscious with this part. The therapist thinks it particularly may be that she was not know to us in the beginning which kind of makes me feel sad and angry and well relieved all a once. So just trying to be bright and chipper around this is not happening and it takes so much time to face, ugh, not her per se but just the whole thing, if you know what I mean. Just kind of discouraging. What is the opposite of discouraging? Well, I am looking forward to that feeling. I've got all these years to look at. Oh, that I could have figured this out in my thirties or so. But, I am doing my artwork and the other things I do to distract and rest till it's time to address the next thing. It's going to be okay. I can't say enough thanks to the therapists and to family and to all of you here.

We will get there...we must hold on to that.

[Miracle1986]

(((Hunny)))

[anderson]

(((((Hunny)))))
The inner walls have their own ryme and reasons for why they are the way they are as to the oppisete of discourage that would be the feeling of the light bulb being turned on. the ability to see the value in all the things that have happened to us and still being able to see others with love not fear.
just want to let you know that we be here for you even when we are in personal retreat.