POSSABLE TRIGGER abuse long

MAY TRIGGER MULTIPLE ABUSE MAY TRIGGER
not sure really where to put this, so it may need to be moved? Anyway i started this as a love poem, dont remember writing anything after the first paragraph. Guess part of me has the need to tell my partner of things. Ended by a brief history of some of the past abuse. May end up in sections. MAY TRIGGER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>...
WHY I LOVE YOU
Because you are always there for me,
Through bad times and good,
Even through the times
I have caused you heartache and pain
When I am down or when I am up
Whether I am rebellious or compliant
Through all my moods
My different personas
And the chaos in my mind
You stand by me
Loving me through it all

Growing up, I didn’t know
This kind of Love was real
I was shown love meant neglect,
Beatings and rape
Was taught that love was a fantasy
In my child’s mind,
A dream that would never be
Something I would never be worthy of
I never understood what I had done
To be hated so much
To be so unworthy

Many things I saw and watched
As a child so small
I learned to hide in my head
And watch it all
Watching my step dad try to kill mama
Seeing my sisters chase each other
With butcher knives in hand
I sat curled in a corner
A child forgotten, a child so small

I left that child behind
And became another
One who was happy
Needing no one
Playing with my own friends
The ones in my head
They liked to play hide and seek
And loved me as I was

Then I was given a glimpse of love
Only to be snatched back
The beatings began
Teaching me I would never
Be worthy of love
Taking my dreams
And sweeping them under a rug
The happy little girl
Curled in a corner, afraid
Another one came
To take the blame

But my daddy still loved me I believed
Daddy’s always loved their little girls
This dream too, was proven unreal
As a young girl she saw her daddy
Rape her big sister
She heard him not caring
For he was not her ‘real’ daddy any way
Another dream shattered
Blown away and distorting her again
Life went on, never changing
No one really caring
About this girl growing up

She hides on the stairs
As her daddy hid in the bottle
Knowing her daddy was going to die
Hiding, scared and crying
On the path to hell

Never could her secrets be revealed
For no one would believe her
So she learned to pretend
To hide her pain, to smile
All was well, she would tell
Once she slipped, mentioned the pain
Nothing was done, her tails were lies
A new life was begun

A fragile teenager, naïve and innocent
Wanting to trust, to believe
That there were people who cared
But when her virginity was taken
Against her will one nightmare night
Knowing she could tell no one
She wanted to die
But one was born to bear her shame

Now she thought she knew
What life was about
She no longer cared
She no longer dared
She knew she must get out
But life continued to prove to her
That her early teachings were true
She was born to be used
Never to be loved

Once she tried leaving
To make it on her own
But once again learned a lesson
When raped by a cop
What could she do
This was her worth
This was her reason for birth
A new beginning

She made a life on the streets
Doing what she must
What she was meant to be
Learned a lot of lessons
Learned to stay hidden
Learned not to feel
Not to care, to have no fear,
For it didn’t matter
She no longer desired love
Childhood fantasies were left behind

A new person she became
She began to succeed
Learning to help others
Learned that she could matter
She began to care again
To dream once more
Hoping that all she had been taught
Were vicious lies
From a nightmare world
She was a fragile young woman
With much to give

But nightmares always return
For one lonely evening
She was shown the path to hell
As she was raped by those she trusted
This fragile young woman left that night
Replaced by another
Hiding the scars, inside a cell

The walls became thick
The mortar hard
The windows covered with slime
No longer could she see out
No longer did she dare
She had no strength left to fight
For all had been proven right

Years went by, an adult she became
She pretended to live
Pretended to be “normal”
Doing what was expected of her
On the outside, she appeared
To be whole, to be smart
They all thought she had it together

How many lives had she hidden
The scars deep, the pain unbidden
Smiles on the surface, nightmares within
Her mind was chaos, the voices inside
Never knowing what she had done
Never knowing what she would say
For one thing she would think
And another she would say
Never knowing this wasn’t right

Until one day, she found herself
In another state
Not knowing how or why she got there
Not knowing what happened in between
She begin to realize something was wrong
She wasn’t quite right
She didn’t know why

Afraid to go home
Knowing she wasn’t worthy
Finally this chance she took
Found you were waiting for me
Loving me all the more

You give me the strength
To prove the world wrong
To prove to myself
There’s something there
I want to see in me
What you do

Your love lifts me up when I’m down
Your love shows me I'm worthy
Your love can make me smile inside
Your love can teach me to laugh
Your love stands by me
Whether I'm a child or adult
Whether I'm rebellious or not
Whether I’m quiet or noisy
Whether I’m able to explain or not
Your love stands by me holding me up

(((((((((((((shattered))))))))))))))))) so srry for all that you all have been through!
lrks

I hear you. safe hugs ((((yous)))))
the love you speak of, is in....___? interested, prism

((( shatteredmirror )))

I'm so sorry.

Petunia

thanks all. been with partner for 25 years now. not sure why she has stuck through everything. i think when whatever part of me wrote this, decided it was time (?) i shared a little more about me?