[darkpurplesecrets]

For days it seems words have escaped me but not deep inside where emotions and feelings seem to scream at a loud volume. Trying hard to bring my thoughts down to this paper but it is anything but easy. I look over at the window where raindrops slide down the glass, almost like a mirror, as tears fall down my face. Sometimes almost seeming to mix as I look out the window of my mind.

There is a sadness that fills me and I feel another so close----almost too close as if looking out through my eyes. Fighting to stay present yet knowing I am a step in and a step out, not really sure which way I feel safest. Is there really a place such as that? Safe. Sometimes I can almost touch some feeling of safety or is it that I want to so bad the thought grasps onto some part of myself that is searching.

Time seems to go so fast yet right now it almost stands dead still. I feel myself so afraid and unsure of my own thoughts. Part of me seems to be fighting to come together to somehow understand, another part terrified to even reach beyond themselves. Wanting to do right for us all but terrified of the very threats that are so real and present. A tear rolls across our face from one who is scared to death and who is so close I can feel her shake.

Thoughts come and go sometimes so fast as if scared to even be heard, others seeming to float slowly stalling out, reinforcing the very fears we want to get away from. Then the real thoughts of the words spoken that scream “Listen” but you wish anything but to hear them. Words spoken as plain as these words written make it impossible to turn away, seeing the same eyes that once sent one deep within searching for a way to survive.

Dreams, what do they mean and where do they come from? For the past several nights finding myself lost and desperately trying to save many not old enough to save themselves. Waking up several time to go right back where the dream left off. Never making it to safety or through the storm but trying to protect at any cost. Many times looking into the face of one seeing my own starring helplessly back at me.

The storms outside the windows in my dreams un-relentlessly pound but no safety ever really gotten to. Those within the dream laughing, hurting, threatening, seeming so real and I awake shaking wondering if what they are saying I will never be saved, belong, or be connected to anyone or anywhere no matter how hard I try is true. And I am really scared.

The daylight comes and you are unsure of the night before or maybe you did not want to be. Silence comes over you in waves and even if you want to talk there seems to be no words present. At times, they seem to be screaming out within but never hit the air keeping the silence remaining. It is even hard to make eye contact afraid someone will read through the eyes that feel heavy to even look up. What is this shame pulling one away and what is this silence echoing back nothing and this fear will it ever go away?

Why do we push away the very one’s we cry out for in the silence of our minds? Why do we fear the safest place we have ever known? Why does nothing scream louder than the very words we need to say? As the night fills the sky once again, fear begins to take hold gripping a little tighter with each minute that ticks away.

Silence fills the room except the low drone of the television. Part of you feels as though it huddles into the safety of the cover in your mind where you’ve gone so many times before, another part almost standing guard as if knowing they need to. And somewhere inside a fear is rising. From nowhere a tear rolls down my face and words recede back into safety.

My heart is racing right now as I sit here almost feeling the darkness reaching right through the glass like it was waiting for me and I feel scared once again.

These thoughts are ones that have been filling me over the past few days. When it rains outside I am able to pull from deep within and words seems to many times come that are being pulled from a deeper place than we have ever been. Words that never were allowed to be heard, or spoken to anyone not even ourselves. Words that mean more than anyone has an idea.

Seeing t yesterday, he was glad that we are being able to reach these words and get them out for the first time. Somewhere inside myself is afraid to post another part wants to. Inside I feel as though I am being torn yet some part of me knows it is important to get this out. Fear covers everything, as that is what was used to control. When someone uses fear to stop even the thoughts and feelings one has and you draw them deep within they still are there just terrified to be heard.

This has been a very tough few weeks as we have walked through another anniversary. Maybe for the first time I myself faced something I never thought possible with emotions I did not know existed. When terror lives within one’s life you do whatever you need to do to survive, even shutting down completely hiding all feelings and emotions in a place no one can touch.

Since Echoes has stepped forth she seems to know when and how to release those emotions that were but kept in a safe place. As she releases those for the first time, I feel as though I am drowning in a place I have never been or known existed. But they had to be somewhere, and I am thankful to her and those within that protected them until it was safe to feel.

dps

[Purplechick]

(((dps)))

[Gr3tta]

"Am I trying to save me?" -- We hope so! It sounds like part of you has shown extreme bravery in bringing forth emotions that were not allowed to be released before. We are sure this is terrifying! But also such a good thing - a difficult process to go through, but such a good thing.
You're being very strong, keep being so. ~Emma

[Rhiannonsmoon]

It woud be good to hear that you are saving yourself

(((((((( ((((((((darkpurplesecrets)))))))) ))))))))

[Nupoet64]

(((((DPS)))))
Hang in there, you are very brave and strong. It is very scarey, but we are here wishing you great strength and support. It is good that these things are coming out. But change is scarey. Change is also good.
Many safe hugs and sitting quietly with you watching the rain ... lovely image of the inner self...you are truely gifted.

[anderson]

(( (( (( DPS)) )) ))
We hear you and understand. The ones we trust (Ya right) we are still learning to beleive that they will not hurt us like our original abusers.
The way you right at times we wish we could,
to be able to right just about our feelings.
Not about the deteails.
We are still dealing with the fact that we have been hurt and have not been treated like it was present abuse.
But now with the help of reading all of your post we are able to learn and grow.
We even got enough nerve to ask for an advicate.

SO IN TRUTH YOU ARE NOT JUST SAVING YOURSELVES THOSE WITH IN ARE SAVING ALL OF US HERE.
BY SHARING YOUR WALK WITH OTHERS ! ! !

[Lillyleaf]

((DPS)))
keep holding on we wish you the best

Ocean

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((((((( dps )))))))))))))))))))))

Please don't forget along this journey that even though you may be the one who has to save yourself, there are those of us here and IRL who love you and will help you as best we can to make that journey a little bit easier for you.

"No man is an island"

Much love and respect,
sabby

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( dps ))))))))))))))))

[lynn09]

(((((dps))))) The truth is, you have already saved yourself - you have surrounded yourself with people who love and advocate for you - protect you in the present reality. But what you are doing now is rescuing those within, and those within are reaching out to you - wanting you to create a safe place for them so they can come out of hiding. What you were prevented from learning by your abusers is how to respond to the fears and pain being expressed by those within.

Their emotions being expressed through you in your present reality are not linked to your present reality. Those within are expressing their pain and fear from those past horrors and are telling you what they needed then but could not get from those who abused them then - they needed to be loved, comforted, consoled, protected - they needed to feel safe, secure, accepted, cherished, valued, and respected.

You had no model, so were prevented from learning how to give yourself what you and those within needed and still need. As a result, you continue to look outside of yourself to others to provide for what you and those within still need - to feel/be safe - and reaching out to others triggers that conditioned response of guilt and shame. You ARE safe, dps - and now you must assure those within that they are safe, as well. When those within express their emotions through you, I know the intensity is overwhelming and the tendency is to step back from them or become paralyzed by them - to want to hide from them.

But they continue to scream their pain and fear because they are not getting what they needed then and what they need now. You must EMBRACE them - let them run to the safety of your open arms, gather them up and hold them close, comfort and console them, tell them its alright for them to feel as they do, reassure them that they are safe now and that everything is going to be okay - be the mother to those within that they never had - be the mother to those within you that you have been to your own children. It's not about what your abusers said they/you did or did not deserve, it's about what they/you NEED - what all of us NEED - to be loved, cherished, accepted, valued, and respected. And no one, dps, is better qualified for that job than you becaues no one knows better than you what those within have suffered. Your Friend lynn09

[DancingAlone]

lynn09 writes:
You must EMBRACE them - let them run to the safety of your open arms, gather them up and hold them close, comfort and console them, tell them its alright for them to feel as they do, reassure them that they are safe now and that everything is going to be okay - be the mother to those within that they never had - be the mother to those within you that you have been to your own children. It's not about what your abusers said they/you did or did not deserve, it's about what they/you NEED - what all of us NEED - to be loved, cherished, accepted, valued, and respected. And no one, dps, is better qualified for that job than you becaues no one knows better than you what those within have suffered.

Oh dps, her words broke my heart for you and those within. But the last about NEEDS is so incredibly true. And you, dear dps, are strong and capable and warm and loving and will guide them on the road to recovery holding them with comfort, consoling and letting them know it is safe now
((((((((((((((((((dps)))))))))))))))))))

[Nupoet64]

Lynn hit the mark....tears flowing as I write....Hold them, listen to them, feed them, remind them that you will protect them now and they need not fear anymore. It really calms tham and they begin to trust you and communicate in less chaotic fashion. It makes life within much smoother. THEY need YOU! You are everything they need. Much love and support from us here....