Surgery tomorrow and feelings pushing from a memory....

Just wanted to check in and to let you all know that I am going in for surgery tomorrow, July 20th. I and all within are really getting scared and anxious. Thoughts are not really good right now as we have been going through a memory and feelings of worthlessness and and nothing have been constantly pushing at us all.

I wanted to share a part of something I wrote lastnight. I know it is not positive but something I had and needed to get out. Time feels as though it is standing still and I am fighting with all I have. When you believe you are nothing to begin with and it was something that was told to you everyday, that they could make another one just like you if you did not conform to what they were doing and saying, you believe and have that within your heart Although we are working to change that it is something that haunts me/us everyday.

Today feels so empty as if I have no emotions. Tears feel gone for why are there any? No one ever cried for me. No one ever cared. No one ever knew. A little girl that hid from life itself for no one could save her from the monsters that were constant. There really were no reasons for tears because they would have never mattered anyways. Why didn't Echoes just allow me to cry, to get it over with? Death would have been much kinder than what took place.

Sometimes it feels as though death has already come. No one sees how I really feel inside, they only see what I allow them to see----what we all allow them to see. There are times I smile and can feel moments of happiness. But all too soon the feeling goes away and somehow the true worthlessness and emptiness step right back in. No one seems to understand that there never was happiness so how does one find what they never knew? And the brief moment of what we thought was happiness ended being handed over to those evil ones by the one we thought loved us. How are we supposed to understand? And hiw does one have feelings never present?

Over the last three years I have seen what I think is happiness, what I watch those loved without pain or hurt seem to be happiness, but what I cannot truly connect to as happiness. I try so hard and seem to connect for brief moments before reality of my own feelings step forward and block out any understanding or feeling that seemed to flutter by. How doesw one hold onto what they know not. Instances of what we think is love, feelings of safety, thoughts of belief before something inside reaches up blocking any love felt causing hurt to step in once again, sometimesw almost blinding and choking out what might have been.

When you lose that feeling of love to those that would have you to never feel it. When one within does not understand and any hint of arguing, raised voices, and time never changing she cannot feel any love for there never was any. She only feels that when someone is crying they are either going to be hurt or even eliminated or they are from the bad side for they can cry. She does not understand that anyone would cry for us or even have any feelings for us. Pain equals tears which in turn equalled punishment, something that was a high price to pay.

Right now my heart feels nothing, I do not feel like a person or anything. A dream no----rea yesl----and all I know is my body hurts more than anyone knows. Feeling as though I cannot be loved for there is nothing to love. No one ever hast to tell me they love me, I would not know. And if they did is that only a dream? Nothing feels real right now not even myself sitting here feeling nothing but numb and pain that shoots through our body disappearing at moments as if we are dreaming.

Sometimes wondering where I end and the others begins, never really finding myself, lost as though grains of sand. My feelings feel non-existant except an utter sadness and aloneness. Nothing feels better than any other feeling could possibly feel. Sometimes I think everyone should walk away and I should become nonexisting to anyone. My own worth is nothing, my looks are nothing, my feelings are nothing. A child was worth nothing to our world or anyone----how much more worthless do I the adult have to become before everyone knows I am nothing? That is all I feel right now----maybe always.

These feelings come after a memory that hit hard and I feel like I have been hit right between the eyes. And everything is black.

----

(((dps)))
we will be thinking about you tomorrow... as always

(((dps)))

I wish I had more to give you than support. I wish I could hold you hand while you go through this surgery.
I understand feeling like less than nothing, but it's hard to wrap my head around if it doesn't point to me as being nothing. You are so much....a friend, support, wonderful human being....
Good thought and peace.....

(((dps)))
Try not to think about the bad or negative stuff. Think of waterfalls, lush forests, and fuzzy animals playing. We wish we could be there by your side as well, but we shall in spirit. (warm hugs and good thoughts).

((dps)) - I agree with fadedspirit. Try to put all negative feelings aside and think of things that are positive. Your body needs to feel calm so you can heal. I pray your surgery will be a success and God will watch over you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow and in the coming days.

we love you

(((Dps)))
When you read this know that we too are sitting thinking of you under the spirit tree. Hoping that all with in can feel our spirit that is with you. knowing and understanding all that is going on with those within.

UPDATE !!!

dps came through surgery very well and the doctor was pleased with the outcome. She should be feeling relief very soon.

She's in a lot of pain but good spirits. She is a fighter and doesn't let anything keep her down for long!

She should be up and walking later on tonight and then sprung to go home tomorrow. YAY!!!!

She can't wait to be able to be back online, she misses you all and loves you very much!

Thank you Sabby!

(((dps)))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((DPS ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

we love you dear friend, more than you can know!

thank you and love you. will write tomorrow. falling asleep.

dps

We are so glad that your surgery went well dps! We were thinking about you....

Hotel Cris

(((((dps)))))) i hope you are well this evening....we cant wait for your return....big hugs

I am finding it so hard to sleep although I keep falling asleep. Maybe I am just falling asleep due to the meds. I am hurting but will be probably going home this afternoon. Just wanted you all to know I appreciate you all and miss you. Thank you for the good thoughts. Hopefully I will feel better soon. For now know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I will try to post this afternoon if I feel better. Love you all and miss you much. I send you all many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

(((((Dps)))))

My thoughts and prayers go out to you for a healthy recovery. Take really good care of yourself and listen to your body. I am glad things went well and hope they continue that way...

hugs and take care,
jen

(((dps)))
soon glad the surgery went well
can't wait til you are back and posting regularly... we miss you

((((DPS))))
We hope that all within are feeling better and we just wanted to let you know that we be here for all those within as the healing take place. Safe gentle hugs and thoughts from all of us to all of you!

We very glad your surgery went well and is over we hope for very quick healing for you and not painful you are very strong can get through it and hope for you to feel so much better! Bad with words tonight hope to make sense to you.
dps

((((((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you and sending you hugs and love,

Rhiannon