[Rhiannonsmoon]

I'm not sure how to start this or how to make myself understood. I've posted this in anxiety too.

I am me I am Rhiannon. This post is caught between two threads because I am not sure what is happening.

I am feeling increasing anxiety about at times not being who I am. I am learning to hate myself for this person who busts into MY mind taking over without me knowing or remembering. I don't know what to do. I have no intention of hurting others or not supporting them in their times of need. But this person the one who I suspect it of being takes over so subtly that I don't know until I'm sent a loving and gentle reminder that I've done it again; overstepped the boundaries by which I have agreed to abide.

So I am attempting to do two things here I think. One is to be mindful at all times of who I am and to do that consciously...is that even possible?... to be mindful of what I am writing and certain that it won't hurt someone.

I am hating myself more because I'm hurting people I have no intention of hurting; I'm being unsupportive of people who need support and need holding up not dragging down when they are vulnerable.

I really am going crazy and theres not a damn thing I can do about it, my mum is right I am mental and I am crazy!

How do I fix this without coming to hate myself even more?

How do I not hate the part of me that is doing this?

How do I talk to that part of me? How do I reason with that part of me and teach that part that there is no need to be mean or hateful? How do I recognise that part of me and recognise what that part of me needs and yet encourage it to feel safe enough not to discourage others?

This is assuming that I have this right in any way at all. I just don't know and I don't know what to do...

This is so confusing to me and I don't need any more confusion right now
I feel like I should just dissolve away and not exist anymore

[lynn P.]

(((Rhiannonsmoon))) - I'm sorry you're confused and feeling sad. Please don't put yourself down and you shouldn't believe the hurtful words your mother told you. I think you're doing very well here in my opinion. Be good and kind to yourself. Wishing you peace and clarity.

(((Rhiannonsmoon)))

As some kind people told me recently, everyone is human and makes mistakes. Whether it's because of a situation or depression....it happens some times . Please don't hate any part of you, as you would not hate any part of another that felt so torn.

[anderson]

(((Rhiannonsmoon)))

Everyone has bad and good days for us it is much louder for the simple fact that we are aware of the times that we have no memoir of events and are scared of not only hurting ourselves but those around us. Be gentle with all those within for the simple fact that they would not be there to protect you even disfuntional if you had not been so hurt your self.
safe hugs or thought from all of us to all of you!

[Ellen Grace]

Dear Rhiannon,

Thank you for your heart-share. Your words helped me "see" your view from the inside out. I'd like to concentrate on two key words you used: feeling and learning. Do I sense that you set your mind on a direction, perhaps instigated by someone else? And then when you "walk it out," other variables present and you don't know what to do? The confusion feels hurtful to you and overflows onto the others counting on you to follow through? This makes you feel like you've overstepped boundaries? And that you are not being supportive? Did I "hear" your heart-share correctly?

If I "got it," there is one solution helped me: I began taking boundary classes and learned how to negotiate with others by telling where I was coming from, listening to them, and then mapping a course--not set in concrete--but a living, breathing, flexible, re-negotiable course of action. The goal being for both to present our authentic selves, with no one having to split off by pretending to be what we are not.

Are you crazy? That's a difficult diagnosis to make, especially for a lay person. Even a professional diagnosis has to undergo several steps before coming to a care plan solution. I have felt crazy, too, so many times and wanted to dissolve. I was "willing" to make change, but "able" confused me. It took years for me get to the place of presenting my true thoughts, which didn't necessarily go along with the script others had for me.

The boundary classes taught me a respectful way to manage my truth. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia, so I don't "please" her anymore, now that I am an adult. My boundaries hurt her feelings, but my actions in protecting myself do not harm her. Her mental distress makes me sorry for her broken brain chemistry and all the damage done to me; but it has also made me glad I have a brain that is "able" to guide me out of her influence and into healthier places.

If you are a teen, have you studied brain chemistry development? Abstract thinking is not completed till around age 25. A wise parent uses their protective guidance in all stages of lifespan development, but the language and methods change as their child ages. Parents have to learn the "trust and let go" language for equality in adult relationship to develop in continued authenticity. Otherwise, people pretend to be what they are not, which hurts everyone. It's a lifelong learning process for the whole family. Parents have to find their way, too.

I want to give you hope as you learn to what your brain is telling your heart. Honor these thoughts, if you can. This recognition of yourself will help build love instead of hate. Otherwise, you will try to love others from an empty spot in yourself--and that in itself makes a person feel nuts--because the connection feels lopsided. Isn't that great that the brain keeps making us return to the "listening chair."

Empathy for yourself (limits and strengths) gives us "ears" that can "hear others" and overflow authentically as humans able to come alongside. After all, a personal relationship begins with a person. Then another. Authentic presentation offers influence. Others will accept or reject, depending on their authentic presentation. Acceptance of influence connects. Friendship begins. Even in families. To begin early on would be all the better, but most of us don't know how to do it until we hurt and find healing.

Thank you for sharing your need and hearing my heartfelt response. Such a valuable tool we have through e-knowing! The need to connect is powerful...and liberating...as we come to a better understanding from the inside out. May these words find place in your heart which give you hope.

[Naturefreak]

((((Rhiannonsmoon))))

Sorry to hear you are feeling down . Please take care.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Thankyou every dear one of you. Where is Morgana when I need her?