[50guy]

what I appear to be to others.
I am not who I say I am.
I am a fraud, a phoney, a fantasy just passing through this life.
I am on a journey to nowhere.....always running, moving, never letting anyone really know me. No friends, the walls are up, you can't get in.
I'm worthless, just a piece of trash along the roadway of destruction.
I am full of self loathing, conflicted and very, very evil. No one knows me, I don't even know myself.......a complex mixed bag of emotions, a wearer of masks and a deciever. I need to disappear. I don't want to stay, but I can't leave. I don't want to die but, I can't live. I can't be sad, but I don't want to be happy. I am a stranger, even to myself. Where am I, what am I doing, where am I going, and why?
Such is my life.........................................................

[lynn P.]

(((50guy))) - I just want you to know I'm concerned for you. Take some deep breaths and make sure you take care of yourself. Share when you're ready. Know you're going to be okay.

[pegasus]

(((( 50guy ))))

[sabby]

((((((((((((( 50guy )))))))))))))

It's so hard being a contradiction to ones self isn't it? We are all truly made up of those things.....it's sometimes hard to choose which one we truly are when the tornado starts whipping around, dragging everything into it's distructive path.

I truly hope that you can find some peace within this storm that you can hold onto and flow with. After every storm there is the sunshine and quiet. May it come to you very very soon.

With care,

sabby

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by _sabby_

((((((((((((( 50guy )))))))))))))

It's so hard being a contradiction to ones self isn't it? We are all truly made up of those things.....it's sometimes hard to choose which one we truly are when the tornado starts whipping around, dragging everything into it's distructive path.

I truly hope that you can find some peace within this storm that you can hold onto and flow with. After every storm there is the sunshine and quiet. May it come to you very very soon.

With care,

sabby

Beautifully written Sabby.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

(((( (((( (((( ((((50guy)))) )))) )))) ))))

Sending you support

[whimsical]

Hi 50's guy,
That was so well put! I really relate to what you wrote. I think that's what it's really like; being dissociative. Just passing through, never really touching or being touched. Living life like looking out the window at the "real world". Thank you for sharing this with us. It is appreciated.
Whimsical

Sabby is right. We all have that in us. Hope you feel better soon.

[Miracle1986]

(((50guy)))

[Crew]

Hey (((((50guy)))))

Now

Now that you wrote out Everything the abusers told you, you remembered, yes you did.

Now you get to reverse that in your mind and in a journal too perhaps. My first Therapist told me to do the opposite that my abusers told me that. We have a similar entry in our journals Show them they can't win, show 'em!!

You are not evil, in my opinion. When someone says they are very very evil that tells me from having a similar experience that you were hurt so bad.

I am so sorry you were hurt and I am so sorry that you feel worthless and evil. I am so glad you are here with us all. Maybe and my hope for you is that you begin to find and believe in you.

I feel fortunate to know you, thanks for sharing and I really do hope that you can turn all that back on them someday....healing is harder then hard but it sure is worth it in the end. It's nice looking up at that light I only imagined that was at the end of the tunnel. It's here, just letting you know.
I wish you all the energy and drive to continue your healing. Your are a survivor and screw those that hurt you. Just remember, be easy on yourself and also good to yourself too.
My system can think back and remember the dreadful feelings that you have now, please just know people are here for you. If you need to talk pm me. If you want to talk to someone else pm them. You do think somewhat of yourself ya know? Because you wrote such a powerful introduction about yourself but I saw what they had you believe!
We believe in you....we really, really do. Oh and through PC, people will support you. our new friend, goodluck!!! You have others now that care. Why you may ask. Because we all have different situations yet I can only speak for myself that I was told that over and over and you have to get HEAD STRONG and say NO, it's my life now.
Phooey on them! Crew and to PsychCentral

[Dusty5]

Originally Posted by 50guy

what I appear to be to others.
I am not who I say I am.
I am a fraud, a phoney, a fantasy just passing through this life.
I am on a journey to nowhere.....always running, moving, never letting anyone really know me. No friends, the walls are up, you can't get in.
I'm worthless, just a piece of trash along the roadway of destruction.
I am full of self loathing, conflicted and very, very evil. No one knows me, I don't even know myself.......a complex mixed bag of emotions, a wearer of masks and a deciever. I need to disappear. I don't want to stay, but I can't leave. I don't want to die but, I can't live. I can't be sad, but I don't want to be happy. I am a stranger, even to myself. Where am I, what am I doing, where am I going, and why?
Such is my life.........................................................

50guy,
I know the pain you are feeling. I could have written this post myself at times. You do have friends. I am your friend. All of us are your friends. Always remember that even though these times of self-loathing are intense, they will subside. We all have to keep working to chip away at these false internal beliefs about ourselves. They are false beliefs. We have all been victims of abuse, but we don't have to remain victims. We can overcome it with time and support. I hope you have a good therapist, if not, try to find one. But know regardless of having a therapist or not that you have all of us as a support team for you. You are a most valuable member of this community.

[50guy]

sabby;
You know too well how I feel, Why is it that so many don't understand?
I am a contradiction of a lot of what everyone thinks I am, even to myself. It is so hard to explain, but sometimes it comes out in random fragmented sentences. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Originally Posted by _sabby_

((((((((((((( 50guy )))))))))))))

It's so hard being a contradiction to ones self isn't it? We are all truly made up of those things.....it's sometimes hard to choose which one we truly are when the tornado starts whipping around, dragging everything into it's distructive path.

I truly hope that you can find some peace within this storm that you can hold onto and flow with. After every storm there is the sunshine and quiet. May it come to you very very soon.

With care,

sabby

[50guy]

Ahhhh, yes.......just passing through, wondering what is real.

Originally Posted by whimsical

Hi 50's guy,
That was so well put! I really relate to what you wrote. I think that's what it's really like; being dissociative. Just passing through, never really touching or being touched. Living life like looking out the window at the "real world". Thank you for sharing this with us. It is appreciated.
Whimsical

[50guy]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I understand what you are saying and it is much appriciated, however I am a conflict of everything I
I project. There is no reality for me, neither is there a normal. I have lived in many states, places and done many different things....never sticking to one thing and always on the move. Never getting to know anyone for too long and can cut people off after knowing them for years. I trust no one, not even myself, for I know the resident evil that lies just below the surface. I'm no good....I just project what I want others to think of me.
I am a deciever......

Originally Posted by Crew

Hey (((((50guy)))))

Now

Now that you wrote out Everything the abusers told you, you remembered, yes you did.

Now you get to reverse that in your mind and in a journal too perhaps. My first Therapist told me to do the opposite that my abusers told me that. We have a similar entry in our journals Show them they can't win, show 'em!!

You are not evil, in my opinion. When someone says they are very very evil that tells me from having a similar experience that you were hurt so bad.

I am so sorry you were hurt and I am so sorry that you feel worthless and evil. I am so glad you are here with us all. Maybe and my hope for you is that you begin to find and believe in you.

I feel fortunate to know you, thanks for sharing and I really do hope that you can turn all that back on them someday....healing is harder then hard but it sure is worth it in the end. It's nice looking up at that light I only imagined that was at the end of the tunnel. It's here, just letting you know.
I wish you all the energy and drive to continue your healing. Your are a survivor and screw those that hurt you. Just remember, be easy on yourself and also good to yourself too.
My system can think back and remember the dreadful feelings that you have now, please just know people are here for you. If you need to talk pm me. If you want to talk to someone else pm them. You do think somewhat of yourself ya know? Because you wrote such a powerful introduction about yourself but I saw what they had you believe!
We believe in you....we really, really do. Oh and through PC, people will support you. our new friend, goodluck!!! You have others now that care. Why you may ask. Because we all have different situations yet I can only speak for myself that I was told that over and over and you have to get HEAD STRONG and say NO, it's my life now.
Phooey on them! Crew and to PsychCentral

[Crew]

I so can relate it's as if your telling me what my life has been like. I have lived in AR, TX like 3 times, Nevada, NY, Vermont, SD, Minn., and then some of the other one's like Denver 2 times, We know, we can relate to a degree.
Just know your not alone, cause your really not alone.

Best of Luck and pm us if you need anything. Peace Eric peace!

Hugs,
Crew

[krazy_phoenix]

((((((((50 guy))))))))) if ok.
You took the words right out of my mouth.

kp

[sabby]

(((((((((((( Eric )))))))))))

I hope you are feeling better today.

I don't know if this will help you or not, because I am not dissociative, but I do believe that what you are going through, many others go through in their lives as well.

There was a time in my life that I was extremely unhappy, so angry I couldn't see straight, put the mask on as much as I could (even that wasn't done well), took out my pain and anger on anyone in my way, had no clue who I was or what my purpose was on this earth, hated myself, didn't stand for anything and the list goes on and on and on.

On a day that I wasn't feeling really bad, I thought long and hard about all of that crap and decided that the only way I could feel better was to make the needed changes to myself.

So, I wrote down what I disliked about myself and what I liked about myself. From there, I decided what changes needed to be made and then put them in order as to what I would work on first, second, third etc. Even though I had no real clue as to how I would make the changes, I just knew in my heart that I had to start moving on them or I would end up being a miserable sot for the rest of my life. I couldn't bare that thought.

I concentrated on what I liked about myself. Even though there didn't seem to be a lot at the time, whatever was there was important to me. Every day, many times a day, I would do my self talk about what I liked about me. It was hard on some days. To look in a mirror and tell myself that I loved myself was absolutely disgusting to me most of the time. But I continued doing it......like it or not. In time, I finally began to believe it. Maybe not all the time, but once in awhile. That was a huge change for me. It then became more believable the more I did that exercise....I yelled it to myself less and less and I began to cry and truly believe it.

From there, I began to think about how to make other changes in myself. Things I didn't like about myself I tried to figure out why I felt that way. Once I figured out the why's, I was able to institute a way to fix it. Small steps is all it takes to begin the process. What I found was the more steps I took, the more things began to fall into place. I was able to open my eyes to more possibilities, more positives, less anger and fear.

Hon, everyone has good in them. It's a matter of touching on it and reminding yourself of it as much as you can. I know there are things that are very difficult to fix. One cannot change their past, but one can learn from it and build on that learning. The best thing I learned, well it's actually 2 best things I learned.... first was that I could forgive myself for being human and second was that I loved myself.

As I learned and changed, so did my life. Things began to fall into place. I began to make friends again, I found new meaning to life and why I was here. It may be a slow process but it's one that is oh so important to self preservation and happiness.

Take what you will from my story that you connect with, discard the rest if you like. I just hope something here resonates with you and helps you feel better about YOU.


sabby

[Fuzzybear]

Originally posted by Crew

"everything the abusers told you . you remembered, yes you did."

exactly

[Nupoet64]

50guy, I hope you feel a bit better soon. I can relate to alo of what you have written here. I too feel like a wearer of masks and no one, even myself knows who I am....but I am learning adn hopeful.

I wish you peace and rest ....safe hugs....take care of yourself.

50 guy

We are all contradictions but that can be a good thing.
I hear your pain and self loathing and I understand it too well. There is a quote that I cannot remember at the moment; I have it as a bumper sticker ...It begins :"Do I contradict myself..."
Please be safe and know you've found unconditional acceptance here.

[silentwhisper]

reading, relating, and wishing i knew what to say
we are here listening tho