[Nupoet64]

Hi, I know I have issues with sleepwalking. I have had my husband tell me of "blow out sex" that we had one night and how I "moved across the bed like a large cat" and how he had never seen me so seductive.(I was asleep adn have no memory of it) I had talked to him about many things, but never told him about Tiger Lady adn the Little Girl. They lived only in my dreams....I thought.
I have lost time on occassion. I have come to my self in an area I did not know where I was or how to get home, while driving.
But today was different. I have been wrestling with a reprssed memory that is trying to surface. My husband and I were driving in the truck, we were talking about it. I told him some things that happened when I was quite young. I was telling him that i decided that Dad was 2 different people at a very early age.
I told him that sometimes he was "Dad" adn I loved him very much. But sometimes ( most times) he was "The Monster" adn that it depended on his mood and the way he acted, but mostly by the look in his eyes. And how much his eyes scare me.
As I said that, it was like someone reached into my chest adn grabbed my heart adn squeezed it to a standstill. Then held it for a second adn released it. The sudden pressure caused and explosion of light in my head....like everythign fired at the same time. My eyes were closed adn all I could see was this bright light, no shaows. I was immediately dissoriented adn dizzy. I layed the seat back as the light fasded and when I closed my eyes, it was the normal darkness one see when they close there eyes, but it was like I had felt something at the very instand it happened. There was no pain. I could not talk about anything. I just grew instantly silent adn waited.
I felt very odd. My chest was sore, but not "hurting". I took my anxiety med at that time adn leaned back in the seat. My heart was still beating fast and irregularly.
It was like someone grew angry or scared that i was talking too much and shut me down. For about and hour I did not feel like me and had no memory of what I said that triggered it.
I sat in the store in a rocking chair while my husband shopped. He would come by and ask if I was holding up ok. Then make another round. My body felt strange. I had no feeling. I could feel my face, that was about it. The rest of my body seemed to melted into the wood of the chair. I was unable to respond to anything except to say, "Mhmm." or "I am ok". That is all that I was able to say. I was instantly mellow, when this happened, and no thoughts were rolling around in my head.
I cannot fully explain it, but kind of like looking out through someone elses eyes and in a dream. Like being someone else, but not really. Does that make any sense?
I know Tiger Lady...she is pushy and aggressive adn protective and hostile.
I know the Little Girl, she is afraid and hides and is quiet and timid.
But i have no idea who that was. I have never had that happen before and it was a shut down protective thing. Like when someone is emotional and the person taking care of them goes into a remote activity adn humming some soft tune adn not real emotion showing.
My husband told me we were heading into town adn we could talk more on the return trip, so I could be safe at home if it happened again. I obliged adn on the return trip I asked him what I ahd said that triggered the episode. He told me, that the last thing I said was "I could always tell by looking at his eyes, they would be different." & "his eyes scre me".
I have also had some of my poetry published on a website. I put many poems there adn then for some reason I stopped subscribing adn 2 years later decided to check out the website. When I logged on, it was up and there were two poems on there that had been submitted a couple of months before adn I ahd written them....I know they were mine by the style, but more so by the content....it was about having and alter.
Any input would be greatly appreciated, as I am new to the aspect of the PTSD.
Sory for rambling on, thanx guys.

Hi Nupoet
welcome....
I may have had a similar thing happen to me and can explain in terms of myself , what happened, but I don't want to make a leap into telling you what I believe it was in your case.
I'm physically sick at the moment and will explain what I said asap, but I at least wanted to respond to let you know you've been heard.
I'll be back soon to explain my case.

If it will help, I can share what happened with me. I'm in no way saying that it's the same as your experience...maybe similar...

I was dx's about 5 years ago with DID. T and I have come a long way with understanding others inside and who and why they are. One of mine is a teenage girl who can be volatile. At one time, last year I was inpatient in order to deal with upcoming cancer surgery. It had been established that this "other'" had no knowledge of my father's death a few years earlier. Anyway...I got a phone call from my husband who gave me some bad news (job loss) and suddenly I "felt
, "heard" and "saw" an explosion in my head. There was no pain but I did hit the floor pretty hard. Afterwards it seems I was very dissociated and hysterical about the death of my father. Somehow, the bad news from husband and my father's death, merged and the teenager inside "found out" about the loss of the father. The DOC was called but all she could focus on was the fact that "I felt an explosion in my head"...she was thinking seizure, stroke all the bad stuff. I knew it wasn't physicaly serious but when I tried to explain, I got nowhere. Basicaly, she laughed in my face.
What I'm trying to say is maybe this has something to do with others inside , knowing or realising something and reacting to it.
I hope this was not too confusing as my explaination is still heavy with emotion.

[anderson]

Nupoet64,
Like Calista+12, we can only tell you about our exspereances. We hope this will help you not feel so alone and help with what might be hapening to you and those with in.
For us we have been reintergrating for the past 10 years but have been in an abusive sistuation these last few years that is starting to change with the help of good people coming into our lives.
But for us when an alter that is not yet aline with the others come forward we have a big head acke and sometimes feel very dizzy. AT first there is a block out but as we learn safety there is more and more sharing. There are times that I am aware but not able to do anything. Later the alter is alpha but we can communicate and also put our own 2cents in.
It takes longer for this to happen if those within do not feel safe so the joining is based on safety and how those with in work together.
Good Luck, SAfe hugs and thought from all of us to all of you!

[Nupoet64]

Thanx guys. It was a very strange feeling, with eyes open or closed I could see the light, and only with eyes open on the periphery could I see other things. It made me suddenly dizzy and shakey, but no pain and no fear of impending doom.
Afterwards I could see, I was aware, but it was like I was a small child sitting by the water with my feet in the cool water just feeling like, "Lalala...la...lalala...lala...." I could answer my husband with very short simple answers but could not ask anything or elaberate on anything. Ii has never happened to me like that before.
I talked to my T today and she too was worried about the "explosion" and is concerned about "further pathology"...sigh...not more crap....
I am fine now and it only lasted while we were in town, but I have most anxiety when I go out...I was with my husband, but something inside said "SILENCE!! No more talking!"...not in words, but in the feeling.
Oh well, I am who I am and that is all I can be...
Thanx again.
Calista, if I had not been sitting in the truck, I would have hit the floor too...I fell over into the door of the truck. Then layed the seat back adn tried to relax. But if i had been standing, I would ahve fallen hard.