[anderson]

It just hit us again this morning our usually pet peeves of being a Multiply. The job of the host or Challises totally sucks. How the Heck do we do it? How do we first survive a childhood with little to no love to become an adult that few can truly understand ?
We spent half the night remembering how to just take a bath we had to do things that just made us feel dirty. We tried to take a bath once with out permission. With dish soap That was how badly we just wanted to be clean even if it was for just a little time.
So here we are having alters trapped in the past remembering the abuse and thinking God life has not really changed that much. The only difference is that at least now we can take showers and those around us even help us by making one available with out company. That is the improvement part. We still take showers to wash off the memoirs of abuse though just don’t take them as often.
Then we have to deal with the issues of having a T which is good but we are on overload and a T is a trigger all to it self. After all after living the past ten + years like the only thing we have is false memoirs. Is it any wonder that going to a T is not our highest priority. Even At Church we are dealing with the daughter of The Dr. PHD. We finely had to ask the pastor to let everyone know that it is not her that we can not deal with but her family and every time that we try to do something her family has found a way to trigger us so for our safety would you let the others know we have to much on our plate right now to deal with them.
~
Each group of alters seem to have their own issues of pain of trust broken. All because of a group of people that did not want us to heal and become integrated again. We even had to listen to the lecture that our Bio-family still loves us and are willing to buy us a ticket home. We are vomiting at the thought remembering all that we had to do just to take a bath or to do something as simple to watch TV. To our bio-family we were only property. There was no love lost between us at any time. If there was it was from me/us wondering about what I did to have made them hate us so much as a child. Then as an adult wanting to make them pay for what they had done to us. The Good Part is that we no longer have the need or desire to do either any more we just want peace.
~
We were talking with some people about forgiveness. It was the usually think about God and how he has forgiven all of us……… we listen to the bible quotes and other words of wisdom too. Then we told the people that to us forgiveness is about letting go, and letting God deal with the issues. Even if it means given up the hope of a better past or future. Now there are some things that we have no problem turning over with out a blink of an eye. But there are still some things that are truly hard to do. Like present day hurts, we have yet to figure out how to let go when someone is in our face hurting us emotionally, spiritual, or physically. We know that eventually we will but at that moment it like God! Why again? What Have I done again?
Or is it because I am an easy victim and no one cares? Letting go and letting God is easy when you are not bearing the pain of the BS of life. Knowing that few accept or believe in you. We know that we are starting to get those that believe in us. But at the same time we are waiting for those to put their words into action to help us feel more safe in today’s world.
~
We were talking to Willow Warrior about the fact that it took him a year to get all those with in to trust him even when there had been others still hurting us during this time. It took him a year to help us to feel safe after 9 years of abuse from those here in town. The last 3 were like non stop abuse from all around us because we had no safe place to go where dark souls could not hurt us. To say that he was shocked would have been an understatement. He told us that he was aware of the past 3 but not that what we had endured had taken place so long. Or the fact that we could remember all that. Life and its comedy of mistakes.
~
Willow Warrior had one major thing going for him. He allowed us to talk to him face to face and he never tried to touch us in an unsafe way. With the other coyotes they either stayed away from us or let others touch us that we did not want to but because no one would listen to us. But Willow did both he would talk to us , tell us stories and helped keep those that we were scared of away from us.
He was even willing to crawl under the tables and building to help talk us out of being scared of being hurt again. Those with in do trust him the most of all those with in us. The only real fear we have with him is the what if? Will he get hit over the head then hurt us like some of the others have done? He is supporting us about learning boundaries and letting us learn that we will not be hurt for making others stay away from us. He is so much like our foster father. He is truly a man of honor.
~
For those of us that are Multiple beings it is so hard. Having to deal with all these issues and still try to appear sane to the out side world. It just totally amazes me that we can and do it. But this life is not an easy road we have to take.

[purple_fins]

anderson

If there was it was from me/us wondering about what I did to have made them hate us so much as a child. Then as an adult wanting to make them pay for what they had done to us. The Good Part is that we no longer have the need or desire to do either any more we just want peace.

I so wish and hope that you do get the peace that you want. (that's where I am too-- I just wish for peace *sigh*.....)

Willow Warrior sounds very compassionate and understanding. I'm so glad for you that you have him with you now.

best to you

fins

[Lillyleaf]

thanks for putting it in prostpective it is something we all go though and having it be all said at once really helps
I wishyou the best,
all

[Nupoet64]

Wishing you much strength and peace...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((((((((((Anderson))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((Safety for you all)))))))))))

[silentwhisper]

thanks for sharing...we can relate...we hope you find the peace you so richly deserve

[Jewels]

we can relate my friend...it is so hard being multiple. but oh so worth it when you can meet people who are the same as you and actually know where you are coming from...we will be there if you ever want to pm us...i think you know that already...we just had to say it because we see the truth so aptly like you do...isn't it good to see people who can support you and, like you, are multiple and glad that you survived?

you are doing well my friend. never let anyone tell you otherwise...

[anderson]

Thank you all for letting us know again that we are not the only ones that feel this way. The insiders are calming down but it sucks when you look at some one and they ask you a question and have to start asking which alter would you like the answer from. And Oh Ya! please leave my bio- family out of the picture unless you got a barf bag for us.

We are still dealing with the fact that we do not remember our abusers but we can remember the majority of our daily lives. Ask us for a basic time line for the last 10 years we can give it to you minise the server abusers in our past that those alters have yet to heal from.
Willow asked if these people would ever find justice in todays world? We told him probally not maybe by karma and the fate of the after life but not here after all how many of the people that I/we are really afraid of would you believe would only gain pleasure from our pain?
1. we need physcale proof- due to tramaitc amnesia that will not happen and those that know about it act like we deserve it. so there is little to no hope on that score.
2. someone has to believe in you to give you the streangth to go againts that have not only hurt your body but your mind and soul.
So no because of how we were able to survive our childhood of server abuse it is not going to happen any time soon.
Life for a Mutilply as usally just wished we had a way around it when everyone on the inside is going off in their own direction and we still have to live in todays world.