[Nupoet64]

I was in sessions on Mon & Tues. T told me that I needed more work than she thought. That "It is worse than I thought". I am scared. Not sure what she meant and am afraid to ask. I know I have alot of issues and she said after 28+ years of practicing I rate in the top 5 of her worst childhood cases. That is scarey to me.
I know I have trouble with "inconsistant behaviours":

1. my handwriting changes with my moods.
2. the explosion in my head last weekend/with the feeling of peace and joy and feeling like someone else.
3. I play world of warcraft. I raid alot. I got into an arguement with someone about me letting someone else play my character during the raid....it was me...NO ONE plays my account but me.
4. People in high school making remarks about how much different I acted at different times.
5. My dreams of 3 of me.
6. My husband telling me about "moving across the bed like a large cat and getting aggressive with him"...I was asleep.
7. YEARS of sleepwalking....my mom used to have to put extra locks on the doors and she would put tin cans on strings as alarms to wake her so she could get up and get me back to bed....I was ALWAYS trying to leave the house. ( I wanted so badly to run away, but felt I had to stay to protect my sibblings). She laughed and thought it funny.
8. I have lost time
9. I have come to myself and not recognized where I was and did not know how to get home from where I was.
10. I stayed the night at my dad's 1 time alone since I have become an adult and I have no memory of what happened after I went to bed, but woke in a panic and HAD to get out! The bedding was all bunched in the middle of the bed and I was terrified...but HAD to fix the bed before I could leave....I had a feeling of "cover up".
11. 5 years ago ( I was age 41) My dad asked me to play with his penis...I completely changed to a 3 yr old little girl standing there trying not to wet myself and needing to run but was frozen in terror....where can a 3 yr old go? (the bad part here, my teen son was standing next to me & was confused about me not reacting)
12. T said "splintered personality"....
13. posted poetry that I did not remember posting on another site...about being someone i am not....no memory of posting.
I am scared.

[silentwhisper]

tho I don't have any answers...we are hear listening and relating and understanding

if you want to ask us anything or need help please feel free to PM us-our counselor tells us we are the worst case of abuse she has treated in her 20+ years as well so we understand feeling scared and much of what you wrote we can relate to. take care

[Nupoet64]

Thank you so much, Trinity....

[Nupoet64]

After I posted this thread, I got very ill. I have a bad headache that I cannot get rid of. I got shakey and had to stop reading, posting adn looking at the stuff. I had to log out and go to bed. Meditation agitated me. I napped, but was not restful. I woke with much the same feeling and have a hungry feeling that I cannot fill...no food works for it...nothing here satisfies it. I have a feeling of starvation.......
I wonder if it is another psychosomatic thing...memory? I have been working on the neglect adn abuse in my infancy...hmmm.

(((((hugs))) you are probably right about the feelings and the connections,headaches are a hallmark symptom of switching or new alters coming out,we hope youre feeling better now

[anderson]

((((()))))
Each time a new memior or alter comes forward it is like going through reverse engernering for us. We go through the pain of what made us and feel the physcal pain as if it was yesterday that it had happen. The fact that you are able to start recognising it is help ful but it is scary and confusion Who really wants to admit to the abuse that we have endured to make us this way? This is where journalling does help for it allows you to learn to be safe about telling in small amounts of time. Telling the story of our lives is a trigger all in it self. For to speak of it would almost sure have gotten those with in more abuse.
Safe Hugs from all of us to all of you!

[Hunny]

Sometimes a rest from reading is required.

Be ever-so-gentle to you.

Be back as you are able.

No judgement on you.

[Nupoet64]

Thanks everyone. My husband gave the same advise. Told me I needed to take a break. That I ahd been working so hard on my healing all week, but needed to just stop and rest for a bit. He is a good man. I did as he, and you guys ahve said...I took the afternoon off and played some online game and the feeling passed. I am much better adn even went to dinner in town with hubby and NO panic attack...that is the 2nd time in 3 years, I am quite happy about that.
Thank you all for the support....safe and gentle hugs of healing....