Emotions? hiding them up? ( I dont know if I should put a trigger on this...)

Hey,
I was wondering what it felt like to hid your emotions and put them away. For a wile I have been.... not bad no hurting and doing well. At least if you scarpe the emotions that is what you are going to fin. But deep down I see and feel awfull and hopless. but not on the out side. Am I just dissoxeating anough so I dont feel the pain anymore? am I just hiding all the hurt? will it come up later for when I am safe to deal with it? Is this just another stupide thing with being DID??

Thanks

Lillyleaf,

I am not sure that I really understand but I am here to support you. You know I am, we all are.

Cris and the hotel

((((Lilly))))

I hear you and it makes sense. For so many we hid our emotions for so long. It was how we kept going each day. No one could know, no one could see, it was the way to keep everything safe within and without. Always told no one would believe or care so why would we ever allow any feelings to show or even be felt.

Now we tend to do what was familiar. It is easier to hide what we feel than to even go there. To feel them would make them become real something we do not want to feel or maybe we do not know how. When we hide our feelings no one knows we are in need and no one can get close. If we are strong we keep others at bay thus maybe feeling that safety of no one knowing.

When feelings come we push them back, for why let them come forward? We many times ask what is this feeling and is it even real? Our feelings never were of importance. No one cared when we were sad or hurt. No one came even when we did feel. To feel often meant we were bad for those that abused us never cared that we felt anything at all.

It was not about our feelings it was about them. So we learned a long time ago to pull those feeling within to keep them safe. For us we were not allowed to have feelings. Those within pulled them away, putting them where no one would ever know. To have feelings would have gotten us hurt or worse. If we did not show feelings maybe they would go away.

As you move through your healing your feelings will come as you are ready to feel them. Those within hold many of those feelings and as they release their memories and you accept them back the feelings will come. They are there--just protected many times.

The awful and hopeless feelings we do understand, right now more than at other times. The hurt really hurts and when you never were allowed to feel the hurt it is easier to pull it inside and not go there. But in time as you move forward you will be ready to face and accept those feelings.

But it takes time and it is hard. You are where you are and that is okay. When you are safe you will deal with those feelings and things that right now are away. It will come. I used to never think I would cry ever, but now sometimes I wonder if the tears will ever stop or if the pain will ever subside.

We have a lot to cry about. We have a right to those tears and feelings. And you will get to that point one day at a time. Right now we are hiding ourselves and it feels safest that way. In time we will come back out when it feels safe again. Just be kind to you and listen to your self, your gut. Remember to breath and know that you are not alone.

We care and are here for you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Here with you dear lilyleaf; sometimes don't feel anything, that feels weird too but nothing to do about it.

Take care

Lily,
We feel nothing too at times.
Especially me, it seems like the others have more emotion than I do.

~ Amanda

i think thats part of it, just getting away from pain, maybe its a safty thang you know? can't cop now so it just goes away. i can't say if it will come back.....mine doesn't but everyones diff .... at lest you can vent here.

I have one emotion 98% of the time. Its happy. People often comment on how amazing it is that I am such a happy person who is always smiling. And that I never get mad, ever. Never crosses their mind that it might be odd to act this way. As for how it feels, I dont know. It what Ive always done for so long. I dont even know how I feel deep down. I think its good that you do, even they are not good feelings. So, I understand what you are saying and I think the others are right, it just takes some time.

people like when you are happy... do you think it is better to feel? I mean you can always act happy but to be really really happy do you have to be at peice? I guess it doesnt make scence for me to worrie and I should just go one day at a time... but it is just hard....