[Crew]

crying in the DARK all by ourselves...

My doctor says to write it out, so were doing what he asked.
We ate, slept, but mostly we spent processing therapy and was in a lot of treatment Dissociaive Units thinking we were going to get through this fast and that it wasn't going to take us X amount of years to heal from this. We wanted this diagnosis to fix our past and the mess we have to deal with now.
The mess we have to deal with now are people in this world. For some reason we have now are convinced it's us. The many many people that hurt us growing up were just having a really hard time leaving the past in the past. Our mean past keeps creeping up like a dam that has leaked and it feels were like if one more thing in our life makes another crack, we feel the dam will burst. We just don't know if we can hold our breath anymore so when or IF the dam breaks, we feel we will drown.
Were drowning now and we fear we can't find the top, meaning we don't know which way is UP anymore. We feel we just don't Fit IN anywhere however there are many wonderful people here that We know do care and we appreciate everyone that has touched us in a positive way...
Our brain is turning to mush and the doctors are convinced that we have survived this abuse due to being dissociative. We don't care anymore what makes us better cause we have constant pain and now our pain has merged and we can't seem to separate our pain anymore.
We went through a lot of healing and then we were retraumatized (sp?)
again in 1995. We were put into a wheelchair only to have to fight to get through the crowds of people. We are still trying to deal with the summer of 1995.
The ? is where do we go from here?
Thanks for reading, (trying to learn to post about me)
Crew

[(JD)]

(((Crew))) I'm sorry to hear you're struggling right now. I know that it won't last "FOREVER" but it might feel that way. Feelings are not always truth, remember. I have to tell myself that when I'm in a pain flare and want to toss it all in.

Healing is rarely linear.
With a DD healing is often forward, backward, backward, forward... up down down up up and maybe plateau for a bit and then wham! You're back to where you began. Well, I think it may FEEL that way, but it isn't.

Even if you do begin going back over previous issues you think were worked through, what you end up doing is covering them on another level, a higher healing level. It's still hard because it's still therapy.

You have to find for yourself what you're comfortable calling "healed" I guess? Because it does take years to heal. And sometimes if the healing began late in life, then you begin suffering with evidences of old age too... and you might think you'll never heal, or it isn't worth the effort.

But it is worth it, you are worth it.

Dissociation doesn't work well as one ages. What worked pretty good (kept you alive?) when young ... well it begins to break down and often cause more problems as you mature. I guess as a child your world is somewhat contained. At least compared to being an adult when you can go out and do nearly anything you want, when you have so many "wants" pulling inside, it must be difficult. To not have full control, or maybe not even full knowledge as an adult would make that even more difficult, I'm sure.

You can get through this. Thousands ahead of you have, and there's more behind you that will as well. I'm sorry it's so tough right now.

[DancingAlone]

Dear Crew,
you are so courageous to post about the pain within. it takes a whole lot of courage to put the words down expressing all the hurt. but i find just putting all this down somewhere, it's somehow releasing, sort of a "letting go" of thoughts held in for so long, through writing and sharing. thank you so much for being here at PC. i always love hearing what you have to say in chat.

oh, and here is something i found when i was looking for pictures. i saved it in my picture file just for you. it's in the wrong thread (was gonna put it in your "hugs" thread), but i think you need a hug right now. much love and support...(and turning on a light to shine on you so you won't be in the dark anymore)

[Crew]

Wow thank you guys so much,

(((Dancing Alone,)))) you helped me cry, that is HuGE, your awesome and we think the world of you, the good part of the world....

Thank you so much.....
you are awesome and I am still trying to get pics on. Slowly but surely.
Someday I may actually be able to send you cool pics too.


______________________________________________________________

((( (JD) )))

for your words of inspiration and truth.....

WE so appreciate you as well....

I hope your pain stays at ease this week and next....

Your Awesome..... you really are, I hope you know that?
Crew

sorry this is all we have to give feel better soon bye

[Nupoet64]

(((((Crew)))))....my heart goes out to you as I read your post. I am so sorry you were retraumatized. I hope you find some peace soon...some area to be able to stop and breath....a small floating device to help you rest from the struggle of drowning...

[pegasus]

(((((((( Crew )))))))))

It is true that therapy for people with DD takes many many years but I can assure you that it will be all worth it.

Thank you for finding the strength to post and share with us.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((((((Crew))))))))))))

I am so sorry that you are going through this. The pain of it is very harsh and I really hope you get through it with support and friendship.

I hope you know that we are here to support you and that you are not alone,

Rhiannon

[Miracle1986]

(((crew)))

(((Crew)))
We are here....sitting with you in the deepsouth. We care and hear YOU loud & clear.

[DancingAlone]

i love dolphins too (((((((((((Crew))))))))))))))

[Crew]

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

sorry this is all we have to give feel better soon bye

It's just what we needed ((((Trinity))))) you are such a great supporter that we just can't seem to thank you enough, ya know?

Love ya safely,
Crew

[Crew]

Originally Posted by pegasus

(((((((( Crew )))))))))

It is true that therapy for people with DD takes many many years but I can assure you that it will be all worth it.

Thank you for finding the strength to post and share with us.

Thanks for your support Pegasus, you have no idea how much you have just touched our life in a positive way, thank you for ALL of your support and if you EVER need anything, find me, we are good listeners.

Thank you, , Thank you..........
((((Pegasus)))))) We feel blessed that you responded that is how much we think of you!

May you have peace withing and out there in the world,
seriously Find me if you need to talk!
may peace be with you whereever you go tomorrow and the days after that.
and ((((( )))))))) tooooo
Later
Crew

[Crew]

Originally Posted by DancingAlone

i love dolphins too (((((((((((Crew))))))))))))))

WEll you know what that means right? that your so (((((((((cool DancingAlone))))))

What an awesome pic.
I thought the reply would come on the persons business I didnt' realize I just made alot of new posts.

You are an awesome individual, I hope you believe that or someday believe that.

Be well my dear friend,
Crew

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(((((((Calista)))))) there isn't nothing the deep south can't give us except for cool weather thank you for your support Calista, We hope you will continue to remember that ! Crew

[brittfly]

i am sorry it is so hard for you right now..... hold on....there is a better day