[invisigirl]

it's hard when you are feeling ok, even good, for a while and then you hear 'are you ok? you don't seem yourself..'

then all kinds of things go through my head. 'why could that be? are you just saying that because i seem less shaky? is it because i'm distant/vacant?' sometimes it scares me and i frantically start to recall 'how' i've been acting. where am i mentally? what's going on in my head? and everything seems blank and i realize i've been walking around in a fog.

i met a girl in my head. and my husband met her too. she has been quiet since that night and it has me wondering 'was it a fluke? some weird isolated incident?' but it doesn't feel like she's gone. just quiet. no flashes in my mind of bad things happening.

though last night, every time i started drifting off to sleep, i could hear screaming.

this week i'm feeling more ok than not ok. almost normal. but it's still only almost. and when my kids start going nuts i end up having a screaming fit and start avoiding them again. i'm trying hard to be nice to them, but i just want them to go away most of the time.

still, it has been better than last week. maybe i'm getting better?

[sick]

if your children behavior brings out anger and avoidance of them then you need to go get some help sometherapy because your behavior towards those children will affect them for life. Get treatment okay so you learn how to cope properly take care

[invisigirl]

you are right, sick. thank you for putting it that way...
no matter how 'rare' it is that my moods are directed at them, it will still affect them. and i'm sure it affects them even when it's directed at no one (esp since avoidance is always a problem). i'm often very thankful they have each other because i'm so absent much of the time... but they need me too.

[Nupoet64]

(((((Invisgirl)))))

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((invisigirl))))))))

[Jewels]

((((( invisigirl )))))

sounds like you could really use a good T to help you get through the scary times as well as the screaming times. Let me tell you what I have found for me. It may or may not help you. I will let you decide.

I used to yell a LOT at my daughter, especially the first 10 years of her life. I would see her face crumple, and yet I couldn't stop the tirade. I found it was affecting her big time, so I had to consciously stop myself when I would find myself ramping up again, and go to my room, shut the door, and calm down. It wasn't really anything she did that caused the tirades, and so therefore she shouldn't have been the scapegoat of my screaming fits. What I learned to do is begin to tell her, "mommy is sick. it has nothing to do with you, it is something inside mommy that hurts right now. I am sorry I hurt you by yelling at you. Will you please forgive me?" At first it was foreign to her, as well as to me. But as we began to use that as a way to mend our relationship, it became more natural, and now we both use it to bring our relationship more to the center. It really works, and it helps the kids see that mom is human and makes mistakes. And it's ok to make mistakes, as long as we admit them and ask for forgiveness as a means of mending relationships. It has helped me and my daughter to forge a bond that is closer now than it's ever been. She is now 14 and flowering into the bright, beautiful young lady that I knew was inside her. And she has insights that are way deeper than anything I had ever thought she had. It's amazing!

Hope this helps. It has helped me get in touch with my daughter, and I know it can work for others too. And yes, she does know some of my insiders. She takes them at face value, and enjoys spending time coloring with them...my young alters flock to her because she is kind and caring and compassionate toward them.

Don't be too hard on yourself just because someone asks you a question. It might be easy to assume the problem is you, when maybe they are just interpreting things as how they are feeling. Be good to yourself, and give yourself some "me" time. Do you have a comfort box? If not, I can tell you how to make one, and then you can go to it when you are feeling stressed. Just pm me, I would be glad to share that with you.

Jewels

[invisigirl]

that is actually very similar to how I treat the situations that arise for me. my kids have a basic knowledge of what goes on with us (H is bipolar) - the older ones understand the basics of what depression and bipolar disorder are, so that makes it easier to say 'I really need a break right now, I'm going to my room'.

but my youngest (sometimes the two youngest) just have a harder time accepting it. perhaps I will use your words, maybe it will help. often she just follows me and lays on the floor outside my door and cries. we do have lots of good communication in our family and work hard to keep it that way and I always apologize to them if I'm mean, but sometimes it's hard for the little ones to understand what's going on.

[Eriksplus]

Everytime someone says that, I'm tempted to say, "Of course I'm acting like myself, I'm just not acting like Brittany! (core)"

(Webber)Erik

[carinacan]

most of the time noone can tell when i'm well not myself.....but when i found out that i was going to have a babby my momm and dad movied back in together so thay could both help-out.....so when i know i'm lossing it or had anuf i walk away .........that way

[invisigirl]

yeah.. it's usually only my husband who notices. though, my mom used to say it to me fairly often when I was a teenager. hm.

the only time my behavior has shocked other people (friends) is if they catch wind of one of my angry outbursts. but if I'm feeling angry, I generally keep to myself and refuse to talk to anyone, so it's rare anyone witnesses that.

[carinacan]

Originally Posted by invisigirl

yeah.. it's usually only my husband who notices. though, my mom used to say it to me fairly often when I was a teenager. hm.

the only time my behavior has shocked other people (friends) is if they catch wind of one of my angry outbursts. but if I'm feeling angry, I generally keep to myself and refuse to talk to anyone, so it's rare anyone witnesses that.

wow thats alot like me....mose only see when i'm realy mad...humm
its probly couse the rest of the time don't show to much of anything
u think?

[invisigirl]

I think so... I have times/situations when I'll be more bubbly and outgoing and bouncy, and some where I'm more subdued, and others where I'm downright cynical and border on anti-social.. but people don't notice these shifts as much (unless I'm bouncy and hyper) because they're not as 'obvious'. I've had people notice I'm angry when they've txted me or messaged me at those times and I respond to them.. but it doesn't normally happen when other people are around aside from my husband. Anger is not something I allow myself to feel very much.