I remembered something tonight - something that I suppose would be classed as abuse. Not going to post about it here but the remembering itself ahs me shocked. It is all so clear - and this is something I had forgotten for over 20 years. I only ever told one persona bout it, immediately afterwards. I can remember sights,, touch - it scares me that I had lost this memory and it scares me that i have remembered something so significant after so long.
Hugs needed please - safe ones.
C et al

[Gemstone]

{{{{{{Caroline}}}}}}}}

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((( Caroline )))))))))))))))))

Please stay safe.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((caroline)))))))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))))))))

[shadowdancer]

((((((((((((((((((all of you))))))))))))))))))

please stay safe.

-shadow

Thank you all.

I'm trying to keep myself safe. Daytime is easier as I am so busy at work. Evenings are harder. However, I have managed to access lots of support today. I spoke to one of the people I will be meeting with at my hospital appointment on Tuesday and he asked questions that prompted me to talk about it a bit - which was amazing (given how hard I find it to talk to new people) and makes me feel much more positive about Tuesday. He even seemed to know something about DID and asked appropriate questions (which was what prompted me telling him about this flashback). He reassured me about the meeting and I was able to tell him a little of my past experiences of hospital and the fears I have arising from that.

I also phoned my counsellor last night and she phoned me back at work today while I was on a non contact lesson. I was able to talk to her about it in more depth and that really did help. I said I am scared of what else I might remember and she said that I will only remember what my brain can cope with. She read out the report she is sending to the hospital as background for my meeting, and said I should imagine her there with me if that would help. I jsut wish she could be there in reality. However, she said that the role of Ted, who phoned me, was to help and support me, and that the purpose of the meeting was to see how the support I need can be provided.

Finally I saw my GP tonight and he has given me some more strategies to ease the evening anxieties. OK, so they are drug strategies but I will take what I can to keep safe right now.

I even managed to talk a little to a colleague about the flashback and that helped - because she didn't seem to feel it was weird or odd at all, just felt for me. To feel "normal" in my reactions was a huge help.

I also realised one aspect of why this has had such an impact. I think deep down I have been doubting whether I am dissociative or whether I just have a poor memory - and this proves to me that it is not just a poor memory issue. I can't think of any reason why this would not have come up before if it was a memory issue. But I was totally unaware of it, and had blocked it off. I am still worried what else I have blocked off. I know now that this vicar saw me many many times on my own (inappropriate in itself) in his home (ditto) but I can remember only two of the meetings in any detail at all. The time I now remember he hugged and kissed me in a sexual manner and told me I was special. He also suggested (my parents were moving away from the village and I was unhappy to be leaving) that I could rent the cottage attached to the vicarage. It shakes me to recognise how close I came to doing that and how dangerous that could have been.

I'm feeling fragile rather than terrified tonight. I know it might take me a while to deal with this, and my counsellor has suggested it could be something we look at when we next meet.

I'm trying to block off some of the meory I have recovered at the moment. It is all too vivid and too much to deal with. So I hope I can contain it a bit till I have the opportunity to deal with it properly.

Thank you again - I really needed those hugs.

Caroline et al

[Zorah]

It's very distressing to suddenly retrieve memories that way. especially in chat. It has happened to us too.
We understand the shock !!! It's very hard to admit to yourself that you are DID, despite the fact some of us worked as a t for 40 years, & were suspicious that we might be, still managed to deny it.
It's only after you start to retrieve the memories that you realize how much is missing.
The things we don't remember are blocked by pain, we think.

However we have found that when it gets too much, someone blocks or controls the access to the memories & can make them come slower. We don't know who that is. We hope you can find that too Caroline.
We only began to do this after body's mother died in mid 2003, she was 96, lived with us for over 30 years.
We think perhaps SOMETHING has to happen irl to get this all started or we just use mechanisms of denial.

thank you zorah, and thank you for being there.

There's so much I don't remember yet. I hope my memories don't come back too quickly though.

Lots of things irl have started this off. The start point, we think, was the emdr C did with counsellor. That opened the doors to start with. This place has helped too.
C