[Eloise42]

My boyfriend has cluster PTSD and while we don't think he technically has DID there are occasional alternates.

One of them is a little kid who is completely adorable and awesome and loves me so his "visits" I don't mind at all.

The other who we just call "the Asshole" seems to be nothing but a combat mechanism who shows up for a good reason but then doesn't go away. Last time he was triggered by a BAD interaction with a therapist and stuck around for days. My boyfriend isn't terribly thrilled with this character either.

We've already decided to suspend his driving privileges (long story, GOOD REASON) which I'm not looking forward to. Besides that our strategy for trying to contain him next time is to maybe pacify him with some alcohol and hope he retreats to my boyfriend's "fortress of solitude" upstairs. We're hoping that if he gets to be somewhat naughty he will stay put.

My boyfriend blacks out most of what this guy does, but this guy thinks he IS my boyfriend which is frustrating. Should I not engage and somewhat ignore him until either the little kid or my boyfriend is back?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Eloise42

My boyfriend has cluster PTSD and while we don't think he technically has DID there are occasional alternates.

One of them is a little kid who is completely adorable and awesome and loves me so his "visits" I don't mind at all.

The other who we just call "the Asshole" seems to be nothing but a combat mechanism who shows up for a good reason but then doesn't go away. Last time he was triggered by a BAD interaction with a therapist and stuck around for days. My boyfriend isn't terribly thrilled with this character either.

We've already decided to suspend his driving privileges (long story, GOOD REASON) which I'm not looking forward to. Besides that our strategy for trying to contain him next time is to maybe pacify him with some alcohol and hope he retreats to my boyfriend's "fortress of solitude" upstairs. We're hoping that if he gets to be somewhat naughty he will stay put.

My boyfriend blacks out most of what this guy does, but this guy thinks he IS my boyfriend which is frustrating. Should I not engage and somewhat ignore him until either the little kid or my boyfriend is back?

here (USA) we dont use the term"Cluster PTSD" here its called complex PTSD, which is PTSD with dissociative or borderline personality disorder features.

You cant "contain" alters. they do what their purpose is, what their job is. in this case it sounds like his mean alter is a protector against the triggers of things like being confronted, anger and other high strung emotions.

I had a few of these kinds of alters. the key to my not switching into these combative alters was learning self nurturing skills like removing myself physically from the situation, then use grounding / breathing exercises taught to me by a therapist. Anti anxiety medication and facing/dealing with the problem that was causing me to switch, also helped me to keep calm so that there was no need for switching into combative alters.

you personally cannot do anything. the problem is with your boyfriend and how he copes with stressful things. only he can take care of this.

some options you may suggest to him are things like-
therapy
medication,
yoga
breathing exercises
creative outlets for his anger and other high strung emotions
a good diet and exercise can also help if he has triggers related to foods, weight issues.

you can suggest these things but only he can do the work needed to gain control over his triggers and resulting reactions like switching into alters.

something to think about..

alters of those with dissociative disorders are parts of that person.

this combative alter is a very important part of your boyfriend. without that alter your boyfriend would not be the person he is today. that alter is your boyfriend just like your boyfriends aware self is your boyfriend.

An example my therapist used with me - take a pie any flavor. its one pie. then something happens, take a knife and separate that pie into 8 parts of the pie. there are 8 pieces now separate from one another but it is still all the same pie.

It takes time but if things are going to work out for you and your boyfriend you need to accept all parts of him. not accepting one part puts stress upon the whole system.

another therapeutic example from my therapist for my partner - what happens to you when someone finds fault with a part of you - hey you are sloppy, you are an asshole, you are being a jerk, I dont want you near me? how would you feel then?

the point for my partner was by not accepting those combative alters as being part of me and worth loving and caring about too in the same way my partner did with my aware self, smaller parts, sweet and cuddly parts my partner was in fact putting me down telling me on all levels I wasnt worth a Darn. if one alter is being put down, being called names and such the whole system reacts in some way to that stress.

It may be that this alter, like mine did, is refusing to relinquish control just to prove to you and your boyfriend he deserves to be here too. he deserves to not be called an asshole to his face or behind his back, he should be thanked and respected for doing his job that he was created to do.

maybe once you and your boyfriend change your thinking about him to a positive level this alter will be more inclined to co operate with the whole system and the two of you.

it really does make a difference

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Eloise42

My boyfriend has cluster PTSD and while we don't think he technically has DID there are occasional alternates.

One of them is a little kid who is completely adorable and awesome and loves me so his "visits" I don't mind at all.

The other who we just call "the Asshole" seems to be nothing but a combat mechanism who shows up for a good reason but then doesn't go away. Last time he was triggered by a BAD interaction with a therapist and stuck around for days. My boyfriend isn't terribly thrilled with this character either.

We've already decided to suspend his driving privileges (long story, GOOD REASON) which I'm not looking forward to. Besides that our strategy for trying to contain him next time is to maybe pacify him with some alcohol and hope he retreats to my boyfriend's "fortress of solitude" upstairs. We're hoping that if he gets to be somewhat naughty he will stay put.

My boyfriend blacks out most of what this guy does, but this guy thinks he IS my boyfriend which is frustrating. Should I not engage and somewhat ignore him until either the little kid or my boyfriend is back?

My partner was reading my posts here and thought of something I didnt. One time there was a combative alter who refused to co operate and let go of control because my partner was going through some issues and my alter thought they needed to be in control because of those issues my partner had. Trying to protect me from my partners issues.

something to think about - I went to your past posts and read them, you have had many ups and downs, mania, anxiety, med problems the works. maybe his combative alter is feeding off of your problems and perceives your problems being some sort of danger to your boyfriend.

The solution to this is you continue to work with your treatment people to get your own problems under control. the alter sees you doing this and will eventually see your mental problems are not a threat to your boyfriends well being and safety.

you might also think about having a few therapy sessions with you, your boyfriend and your treatment people to talk about how your boyfriend and alters can feel safe when you are in crisis or having problems associated with your mental disorders. This helped me, my system and my partner a lot. we were able to map out plans for what to do when my partners problems arose so that me and my system felt safe during those times. solved the problem of my alters feeding off of my partners issues permanently.

[sorrel]

I have Complex PTSD, and my 'others' have a similar structure - in my case a little girl who tries to be sweet and good and innocent so she can be looked after right, and a mean, hostile, protective persecutor that is defensive and aggressive and hates the whole world. Dialogue. Insight. Connection. Understanding. Nurtured by lots of intense therapy, and also personal written reflective work. I don't lose time/black out for long at all, in the scheme of things, which makes things easier to mediate, relatively speaking. One thing that helps me IMMENSELY is what is known as active imagination.

[Eloise42]

"Cluster PTSD" is the classification my partner identifies with and is more comfortable using.

The last time the problematic alter showed up he drove around town extremely drunk, gave a stranger prostitute a ride who ended up throwing a bottle at his head and wound up "trapped in a brothel" and that's just what the alter told me about. So for these and other reasons we both have serious concerns about his physical safety.

We are trying to brainstorm preventative measures to keep him safe, future attempts to keep the alter in the house was my partner's idea he asked for my help with. In addition to the bedroom we share he has a room that is completely his so he has a safe retreat place which was my idea.

We came up with another name for "The Asshole" because I have always had a personal rule against name calling but it resembles his real name so I left it out. Thanks to over 25 years of cognitive therapy the alters show up a lot less often and stick around for a LOT less time.

I did ask the alter if he would go to therapy with me and he shot it down.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. In the Bipolar forum I belong to it is acceptable for concerned friends and family members to post their frustrations and questions and it is often encouraged.

As far as "accepting" this alter I don't know if I can completely do that. He is emotionally abusive and he hurts both of us. Five years ago he was borderline physically abusive so there has been improvement there. I'm not sure he is an entirely a part of who my boyfriend is. I think he is a combination of my boyfriend and one of his former abusers.

[sorrel]

I can only imagine what violent atrocities have been heaped upon your partner throughout his life, right from childhood. His dark persecutory other can only mirror this, and that is the tragedy of it, and why he needs good psychotherapy - something deeper than CBT - and understanding to help him heal. Yes, it's frustrating living with someone in the grip of such shadows. Frightening, too. Persecutory alters can't cooperate, that's how they are. The thing is to learn how to access his healthy self. This is something a therapist can help you with. It can be harder when the walls between parts of the psyche are so defended, I know.