I don't want to have to manage things. I don't want to make sure everyone else is OK. I want some ME time. I want some down time. I want someone else to remember stuff that needs doing and do it. I want other people to make decisions for me. I want other people to arrange stuff and make sure it gets done.

Shula

[CedarS]

(((((((((Shula)))))))))))

Thank you for replying, Sarah

[CedarS]

How are you doing today?

[allthegirls6]

hello shula. Not heard from you in a while. Its good to see you around. Its OK not to want to do things. What is the ME time you want? Is there something you would like to do? Can you talk to Caroline or the other perhaps? Can we help you?

All the girls

Hi Sarah

I've pretended well today.
There hasn't been a huge amount of space to be "real". I have ticked some jobs off my list (some marking, some housework and organising the car repairs) and took the girls over to see a friend.

I think I have realised that i can keep up the pretence pretty well. The problem comes when I have a chance to not pretend - like with my counsellor, my GP or my pastor's wife. Then it seems to fall to bits. I can't work out whether it is best to let things fall apart for that space or whether I should avoid those situations and keep up the appearance that I am coping. Or maybe I am just being very selfish in letting myself go to pieces when the opportunity arises. I really don't know.

So "How are you doing today" depends where you ask me.

Shula sent an email to my counsellor last night. We have never done that before, though we have let her see journal entries by several of us. It's a bit scary having done it - I don't know how she will respond.

How are you?

It seems quiet round here today. That is scary too.

Caroline

[allthegirls6]

Caroline,

You have done well to put together a list and tick some things off!

Keeping up the pretence is one way to live, but I wonder if it really is the best way?

Shula has been very brave with the journal thing, and I can see why you are worried, But your T seems so good from what you have said Im sure she will see it as a little door opening and be pleased to have received it.

All the girls

Caroline--I think it's best you use the safe places and fall apart if you want. The only safe place we have is our T's office. No friends that really understand enough to see ME, Vicki.
I wish I had a place.
Vicki

[CedarS]

I like what All the girls just wrote, I agree.

I myself am good, just really really exhausted, this happens to me regularly. Fortunately I get to stay home.

As for it being quiet here, I think of it like the ebb and flow of tides, it is natural, sometimes things are really active and sometimes paced more leisurely. It is all okay.


Sarah

I'm trying to feel good that I have ticked some stuff off. Is it OK to feel good about it? This is what I have done:
Paid some bills
Done some washing
Marked two sets of books
Taken daughters to friend's house and talked to friend's mum.
Done some housework (tidying up)
Been to the gym

It doesn't seem much for a whole day though. But tomorrow I have more things I want to do. One of them is quite scary (registering some software which I will have to do on the phone). I need to do a lot of stuff for school tomorrow too.
Is it OK to say what I have done?

I don't know if pretending is the best way. Sometimes it feels like I can't choose the best way - I just have to do what needs doing to keep people happy.
Caroline

[CedarS]

Caroline, it is very OK to feel good about what you have ticked off so far, about the fact that you have been able to tick some things off. You are successful!

Also very much OK to share what you have done, to say and write what you have done.

Sarah

Hi Vicki

I have the same with friends except for my pastor's wife. But I know me being sad makes her sad too and I'm not sure I should keep doing that. But she says she wants me to be real with her. I can tell my GP how things really are but I won't see him till Tuesday. I won't see my counsellor for a week now and I wish I had made an appointment to see her sooner but it is really hard with work cos she only does two days and only has one evening slot. The one I have had is an early evening slot but that is the same nighta s our staff meetings. It's hard.

In a way I am not sure whether I can choose whether I fall apart or not. Well, I can a bit but when things really build up I really fall apart in my safe places and then it gets really really scary. I ahve only done taht once.

I wish you had a place too. Coudl we make one here? I know it isn;t the same as a real place, but maybe we could build a "falling apart" place here where we could just let it all out and not worry aobut upsetting or disappointing anyone?

Caroline

Thank you Sarah for saying it is OK to put what I have done here.

I'm sorry you are so tired. I get like that too a lot. Most times when I come home from work I am really really tired.

I sort of like it that things are sometimes busy here and sometimes not, but I worry aobut my friends who have not posted. I think it is hard for them too at the moment.

Caroline

[CedarS]

Vicki and Caroline, I am reading your great discussion, inspiring for me also. Would you like to start a Falling Apart place thread? We could all help build a safe place for this.