So... I saw my counsellor today and cried all the way through.

My GP phoned me and I cried all the way through that too.

My pastor's wife called me and I cried all the way through that too.

I feel so overwhelmed. Too much to do and I can't make myself do it. I feel so stupid because not doing it places even more strain and failure on me. A lot of the stuff is simple everyday stuff - I'm just not doing it and as a result things are falling apart. I don't want all this responsibility. I want to crawl into a hole somewhere.
My counsellor asked if I was suicidal ... and I don't know what the answer to that one is any more.

It's the holidays. I should feel better. But it is like everything is falling apart - or I am fallling apart so everything I was holding together is dropping. I don't want to be the grown up. I don't want to carry all this responsibility.

Caroline

((((( Caroline ))))

I'm sorry it's so hard. Try to see through the gloom and notice all the things you have done. Even if that was just getting dressed.

Are you on meds? Maybe you need an adjustment or a change.

I wish I could help.

Petunia

[Gemstone]

{{{{{Caroline}}}}}}

I'm sorry you feel so lousy.

I'm here.

Thank you Petunia

Yes, I'm on meds - a very hefty dose of them (so hefty that one of them is usually only prescribed at this dose in hospital). I spoke to my GP and he told me to take more valium to get through tonight and to take a sleeping tablet tonight. It's getting so I find it hard to make that kind of decision.

It helps just to know people are there and care.

It's scary being like this though.
Caroline

Thank you Gem. Knowing people are around and listening helps.
C

[allthegirls6]

Caroline, the important thing here is that you are seeing your Counsellor, you are speaking to your doctor and you are teling us how you feel.

Sometimes things seem to get a worse before they improve. Its a difficult place you are in at the moment and we are all here to support you through this. I hope you can take the pressure off yourself and just leave all this stuff that has to be done. In the end you have to make sure you are OK. Thats the most important thing, and if doing all the other stuff (no matter how important it feels) makes you worse then I think you are going to have to leave it.

Can you try to leave some things and just decide "Im not doing any of it, at least not today"

Atg

I'll try, atg.

I think I might use your T's approach too and make a list of stuff which has to be done. Then I can tick some off. I got one job done tonight (amending a website I am in charge of) and am going to sort out our kitchen now. Then I will leave the rest and not worry about it for tonight if I can.

Thank you

Caroline

[allthegirls6]

caroline, thats the best idea ever. But remember, only do what you can, not what you think you should. There is a difference.

Atg

I know there is a difference. but for me everything that should be done is what I must find the resources to do. That's the problem. So I give up on all of it because I can't do it all.

[allthegirls6]

I want to hug you

iris

((((((((((((((((((((caroline)))))))))))))))))))))))

[JustBen]

It sucks when things just pile up like that. Try to keep in mind that things won't be like this forever. They'll get better.

Thank you iris. I need hugs right now. They keep me connected to here and now and reality and not doing something stupid.

Caroline

Thank you JustBen. At the moment I can't see how things can ever get better. I just can't. So i'll have to try to believe those who tell me they will.

Caroline

[allthegirls6]

caroline,

im sending you "the power to believe". Its in the post, a huge parcel, you will have to make sure you are in cos the postie wont be able to fit it thro your letter box. Its massive

Iris

[CedarS]

It will get better. I know it doesn't feel that way, I remember feeling as if things would never improve, but eventually they will.

My rather bad joke about all this for myself is that........Things will be different. They might not exactly improve, but they will be different. And that is something.

To do lists can really work wonders, helps to have something to cross off when done.

(((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))

Thanks Iris

It will need to be huge right now.
But at least I have got through the evening - thanks to all of you here.
Caroline

Thank you Sarah

I have often felt that things could not improve and they did eventually.

This tiem I thought they were improving and then I have found myself back in the depths again.
I think it is feeling so overwhelmed that has got me. I tend to be the sort ofperson who just gets on with it - but this time I haven't and now I don't really know where to start.

Caroline

[CedarS]

I've been there too, sometimes I call it -the rug pulled out from underneath me- effect.

Overwhelm can be such a challenge, we want to figure a way out of it, but it can be difficult to think straight, cause we are overwhelmed. Can be such a circle round and round.

Anything work for you in past for overwhelm that you can remember? Any way you can simplify things?

(((((((((Caroline))))))))

Lists sometimes worked in the past but right now I feel unable to make them. I have to make a train journey tomorrow though and that might give me the space I need.
There's a stupid part of me that is scared to take those steps to do the things I need to. No reason, just overwhelmed - feel I can't cope with doing any more, I guess.
My pastor's wife said I need to delegate but I'm scared to - scared I will seem lazy for not doing it myself. I have this need to make everyone else's lives simpler but it has caught up with me.

I think I'm going to take myself to bed and take a sleeping tablet. Sadly I need to get up early tomorrow.

Caroline

[CedarS]

((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))

Thank you Sarah.

I've been big and adult and coping all day. NOw I am going away inside myself. I'm not a mum I'm not a wife I'm not anything just going to lose myself in my genealogy. I can shut out everything eles. Why don't I listen to people? Why does my curiosity get the better of me? Why can't I make good choices, sensible decisions, and act on them? Because I am a failure, not good enough, never good enough ... this is my bottom line.

[Gemstone]

{{{{Caroline}}}}}

[CedarS]

Sounds like you are in the memories, and that is okay.

Sometimes you do listen to others, sometimes you don't.
It is okay to be curious.

Sometimes you make good choices, sensible decisions, and act on them.

You are good enough. Someone may have told you that you are never good enough, but that is just their opinion.

You are good enough.

Sarah

((((( Caroline )))))

Get some rest if you can.

You deserve all good things.

You are better than good enough, even if you don't believe it right now.

We know it to be true.

Petunia

ty Gem