In a way I find it weird how everything changes when I talk to her at the moment - voice, feelings, the lot. But it is one of my "real" times, talking with her. Even so, tonight I admitted how much I was keeping the lid on while talking. I'm scared to let it all out, because I am not sure I can put the lid back on at the moment. She understood that, and had picked it up.

I also managed to tell her how I felt I couldn't bring out the "others" with her because I was aware that she had felt unable to deal with them, not because of fear but because she felt ignorant of how best to help. But she said it is OK to deal with them, we need to integrate them and she can go to her supervisor if she needs support. So that was a step forward and maybe I can unlock the door a bit.

She is really pleased that I have taken steps with the hospital and said I needed to make a list of what I wanted from them. That will be a job for the next couple of weeks, before the appt. She understood how having my pastor's wife go with me to my next hospital appt made it possible for me to face.

We talked about how I feel I am not using the sessions with her to make progress, and she said that at the moment what I need is to stabilise. We talked about how I felt so unsafe on Friday but she framed it so I could see I did what I needed to to keep myself safe.

She understood how the emotional stuff infringing on my work environment (as in the hospital phoning me at work because that is where I am accessible at times when they work) has made me feel unsafe and made things hard. She had some suggestions there that I may try to follow through, but it will mean I need to be proactive and I am not sure I can too a lot more of that right now.

We talked about how this depression has been going on for so long and my need for something more. I checked out her perspecitve and she said that she feels I have used CBT stuff well and continue to apply it. I needed to hear that reassurance.

Our next session won't be till after the hospital, but I asked if I could phone to catch up between and that is arranged too.

She also pointed out that I am settling for "good enough" rather than perfection. It's true; I am managing to be easier on myself recently.

She used the term "abuse" in talking aobut my childhood. That was hard to hear and face.

I felt like I hadn't used the session effectively, but looking at it like this I can see we covered a lot of ground and that makes me feel better.

Thanks for reading

Caroline

[Gemstone]

{{{{{Caroline}}}}}}

It sounds like you are making good steps. You are doing good.

[CedarS]

Writing things down can make such a difference. I appreciate how you have given yourself a reality check. Inspiring.

[tamzinrose]

Well done! *Hugs*

((( Caroline )))

I understand all your fears and concerns and have faced similar challenges. You are doing great. And don't shake your head in doubt...I can see you.

Petunia

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((caroline))))))))))))))))) wow, that was a PACKED session! I'm so glad that things are coming together.

Thank you for sharing.

Be safe,

KD

Thank you, Gem. You are so encouraging. It doesn't always feel like I am doing good; I don't see it for myself so to have someone like you tell me means a lot.

Caroline

Aww, thank you Sarah. Yes, writing things down is very powerful - though I often forget that and sometimes am just not able to do so.

Caroline

Thank you tamzin. (((((hugs))))) back at you!

Caroline

Thank you Petunia.

You were right about the head shaking!

It's a tough old road sometimes. Travel safely, friend.

Caroline

Thanks, Kimmy.
The thing is, at the time I felt like I was wasting time. It's only through writing it down that I realise how much we packed into the 50 minutes.

Caroline

[kimmydawn]

Caroline, do you ever feel after you leave that you get sessions "played back" to you? well, parts of them? i know sometimes a couple of days later, I'll get a playback of sorts...something that hadn't even been remembered. I'm just curious to know if others do this?

KD

For sure, KD. In fact, the message I wrote was a replay, and it was weird how much I remembered without remembering it consciously, if you know what I mean. I know that my brain will carry on processing stuff over the next few days, and I am sure I will remember things I haven't recalled so far. It's a long processing thing for me, and I often remember things so vividly from sessions even weeks after. Like a flashback to a traumatic event, but less painful.

C

[kimmydawn]

Wow! Thank you for answering that. I do that. I get different perspectives on it as well. That's why I TRY to come home and immediately journa. Then I journal over the next few days...I usually get most of it down that way. There are some things that I simply don't "hold" when I leave there, though. Sometimes I get them back eventually. Sometimes I don't.

I appreciate your answering that question within your own thread, but what you've said promted me to ask a question that I've wondered about.

Thanks again for sharing. You're making so much progress!

KD

Kimmy, you are so encouraging. Than you so much. I really do find it hard to believe I am making progress. To have others assure me that they see it even when I do not is so helpful.

I tend to spend a lot of time going over stuff - especially counselling sessions. I keep replaying them, like a film. Sometimes new stuff comes up, sometimes I just understand the old. (Of course, sometimes I just don't get it!!)

C

Caroline--I'm so glad that things went well for you. There is a good deal of time I am not at my sessions so whatever goes on is usually held by another. I often feel like I missed my appt or something. But someone is getting benefit from the time.
w_i

(((((((((((((((((w_i)))))))))))))))))

I know it is tough for you all just now.

Be gentle with yourself, and thanks.

Caroline