My last session today went like this..

All over the place...started of unable to talk, then a tear rolled down my face...then I said I know your sitting there witnessing my fantasys and knowing thats all they are but I can't seem to get out of them...and then I said I guess I want you to be part of it but your not...T said that wouldnt be helpful for me to be pulled in and yes I sit here knowing these are fantasys but I can still empahis...I said I hate that word...then silence for a while longer....then I said Ok I surrender...T said like in a game?...I said no emotionally you win I surrender...T said like when you were a baby?...I said ohhhhhhhhhh I don't know, I just don't know...then I said I guess I have to have trust that you dont forget me for the next 2 weeks....and then right near the end I asked the question that I soooooooooo wanted to ask and didn't know if I could or would and said....do I pop into your mind when your away from here?...T said, yes....I said I guess I'm gonna have to take your word on that...T said...well you can email me and test it out....I said but your not at home...man what a dumb question...I think said that to try and hide my delight at the email offer....she said well I can pick my emails up from anywhere...duh how silly am I knew that LOL....she said this is the corner stone of our work...I said yeah I know....then slapped myself around the head and she asked why I did that?...and said coz I cant' get my brain to see breaks for what they really are....then I said something else that I keep wanting to aks but dont want to really SO DO NOT answer it but I keep thinking whether your going to be flying or not...I could see biting her bottom lip and sort of smiling holding back from answering it because I'd said DON'T LOL coz I dont want an added worry LOL though she might not be going abroad....I felt better as I left becasue she said I could email...just knowing thats ok eases my fear of aloness...I said To T that I keep asking myself what it is I feel I am missing when not with her?...is that I need to have my life witnesses? Is it the ego that wants to be watched??...what the hell is it....T said perhaps its that you want to be understood and being here you feel understood...yeah thats it....so its 2 weeks until her return...I will find a book I enjoy and generally be good to me!...I said as I left todaty "have a nice time, said thru gritted teeth LOL"...she said "take care"

hey. thats nice that you can email her. it might help a little.. maybe.. i hope that you feel okay through this time.. t taking time off can be really hard. rationally it is one thing but emotionally it can be quite another. remember to take special gentle care of yourself. (((mouse)))

After awhile, my T would occasionally tell me where she was going; to a wedding in Bangkok or to visit friends in North Carolina, back to her home country (Philippines), etc. and it got to be nice, once I was sort of use to her actually "being" somewhere (instead of just disappearing), like your being able to consider whether your T's flying or not but not wanting to know. The little bit of curiosity grew and that helped my T have an actual "place" all the time and to quit winking in and out of existence like magic. It was still painful, especially when she went out of the U.S. but I'd do daft things like look up the weather in Manilla or where ever each day and be glad when it was sunny or raining on her since she still deserved rain for leaving me :-)

You know this is the first time T has even mentioned going away and it all come about last week when I joked that I could move in with her for the 2 weeks shes taking a break and she said, you can but I won't be here.

I remember smiling but also realising this was something new I got to find about her.. I told her the following session that now I know she's going away it feels odd, it feels even more like she is gone, not just walked out of our room and into another, but GONE.

I was tempted to ask where she is going, but I know from my past experiences that I tend to want to morph into her, and I've read books that I've seen on her bookshelves, which isn't a bad thing because they were good books LOL, but I found myself trying to think what she would do or feel or say, and this time I knew if I asked where she was going, I'd fill my head up with fantasys of me going there too and this would not be a spontainous choice made by me because I want to visit this place, it would be because I'm trying to be HER, so perhaps this is a good sign, I wanted to keep her choices separate from mine??? I think its a positive anyway..I guess recovery isn't a straight line and it happens in different ways for different people...yes, I'm pleased I decided I didnt want any future hoiday choices I make to be prejudiced by T's choices.

Maybe next time you can ask her to borrow one of her books while she's away! If you're going to read the books anyway to morph into her (I never understood why I'd buy psych therapy books and read them to "check" on whether my T was doing things "right" -- she always was :-)

No these weren't psych books. These were general works of litreture...I've tried the borrowing books to use as a transistion object, but alas it didn't work for me...I actually do feel ok this evening, I have a "felt sense" of her within me...perhaps this is what she talks about when she says about me managing to hold onto her...