Disability visitor

I have a volunteer come to my home once a month just to sit and chat. The whole idea is to bring hope, some happiness, fun and just another human being to chat with.

This one visitor has been coming for a year now. Last evening and for the last three sessions, after she has left, I noticed a change in mood to irritability. I also noticed that I was having a difficult time, towards the end of the meeting thinking straight and that is an indication to me I am ungrounded.

So, here is my laundry list and was thinking today that I should ask for either a break from her or to ask her not to come back. I'm just not sure if this is due to a mood shift and I should wait awhile. I just know I have a terrible time keeping myself grounded during our visits.

I had to take Seroquel last night to calm me down.

1. Out of the blue she asked me yesterday if my security alarm is still active.

2. I had moved one piece of furniture in my living room and she made a big deal over this, commenting that every time she comes, I have moved something.

3. I hear all about her friends, family, other volunteer jobs and rarely do I get an opportunity to talk about me. She natters on and on without a pause for me to even interject anything and she looks off in the distance and not directly at me when she talks.

4. I was storing my cat carriers behind the TV stand, and I do have towels in them for my cat to sleep in there (it's so he knows his cat carrier is safe). I was leaving the room for something and caught her jumping up, racing over to look behind the TV stand in my absence and then darted back when I re-entered the room.

5. She asks me specific questions about my disabilities, who are my doctors and their names, Section 8, what I pay for rent, when my lease is up.

4. When I was fostering two kittens, she asked if I was going to have to pay extra deposits and monthly rent fees for the two kittens, because she knew I was paying all this extra money for my cat. She said it was a good thing that I found homes otherwise I would be subject to these fees.

5. When I talk to her about my hardships - with the local food banks, feeling isolated, depression, she says nothing and quickly changes the subject back to her.

6. I use half of my bedroom for storage, so I have alot of large plastic tubs there that go to the ceiling (I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment, with no storage). When she saw this, she gasped and made a loud groan. Two days later I was having a home inspection by the county for possible hoarding. When the inspector saw my plastic tubs, he had to laugh over this misunderstanding. Of course I knew who had reported me. Since I am on Section 8 I have to be very careful with everything, as I don't want to be kicked out of the program.

7. Now before she comes, I look around my home to make sure there is no dust (saw her once running her finger over the top of a dresser), everything is vacuumed, the pillows are plumped and straight, making sure I have not changed anything around since her last visit and if I did, I make sure to put it all back. She has commented twice in the past about my moving my furniture and I informed her it has been that way for the last two times we met and she got adamant with me that I was wrong. Meeting with her is causing me more anxiety and I'm wondering if this is all worth it.

This is my second visitor in two years. The first one would sit and cry the entire hour over issues with her mother.

Sigh...

I'm worried I'm going to switch into a part and embarass myself

Thank you for reading this.

I think you have good reason to be irritated. Matter of fact you have reason to be angry. That is ridiculous and not to be tolerated. What agency does this volunteer work with? Skip that, just call them and tell them what their volunteer is doing and that you don't want her coming to your home.
Sorry, I'm being pushy...consider those suggestions

She wouldn't be coming back in my house!!!!!!!

Hi Mike, good to hear from you How have you been? Thank you for your comments. I am going to call tomorrow and ask for a break for awhile from these visitors and not give an specific reasons until I know I am feeling stable enough to explain, I'm still very wobbly over all this, want the dust to settle. Every time she leaves, I feel as if my home and myself have been violated in some way.

Omers, you made me chuckle when I read your response You know, I almost thought, as ridiculous as this sounds, of taking a picture of her in my livingroom so that when she comes back, we'll have out stories straight over which piece of furniture I moved or not.

Coming from a background, such as mine, it's hard to perceive what is okay and not okay.

Better yet, get a nanny camera for the living room then excuse yourself to the restroom... yup... I'm evil... and VERY protective of my space

Hi Omers ~ I won't be giving her another opportunity, she won't be coming back into my home. I'll be calling tomorrow and just saying it's for personal reasons. She has turned me in already once for what she thought was hoarding, if she feels miffed because I gave full disclosure of what has been going on, who knows what she could do and I don't want her to put me at risk for my Section 8 again.

I have no idea what her adjenda is with me, asking all these personal questions. What will she do with this information, etc.

It has been a good yardstick of just how weak my boundaries still are

It will be interesting to see if she tries to contact me and ask why, just like her to do that. I won't be planning on answering her phone calls, I will just block them.

That's the way! I don't think she could do anything but you handle it the way you think is best. Just do not allow her back into your home. She has no legal right to ever be in your home unless she is invited...by you

I couldn't put up with that I'm afraid.
My place my space.
I hope you get it worked out okay.

Hi Mike and Korin ~ I sent an email off to the director of my counties volunteer services terminating this person, effective today. Have not heard back from her. I did not give a reason why, but if a survey is sent to me or any inquires as to why, I may step up and explain ... everything.

I just keep remembering her scooting behind my TV to look at my cat carriers as I was leaving the room, that was pretty telling. And this irritation with her about my moving furniture around, what's the deal with that. And reporting me to Section 8 for hoarding................. that was unforgiveable. So, three strikes, she's out of here. She can go and snoop at some else's home.

Why didn't I see this before. I should have stopped her the minute she scooted behind the TV as I was leaving the room, and asked for an explanation. Wonder what she would have said. Better to cut my losses now than to get in too deep with her. I have more to loose than she does.

The barn doors are officially closed.

your space is yours if you want to move something or store till bursting that is your perogative, these visitors are supposed to make you feel good not violated, tell outright why you do not want her in your home, that way she won't be sent round to some other unsuspecting vulnerable person. actually the whole scheme seems sus to me, a crier and a snoop not a good reputation for an organisation meant to boost your mood!

Way to go June_Bug for standing up for yourself. Maybe your boundaries are stronger than what you think? Maybe its just that your boundaries have changed shape and structure? I think your boundaries held really well and allowed you to orientate to the source of your irritation and allowed you to fix your situation. Most of all, I wanted to say Well Done for listening to yourself, and taking notice and taking action on the changes within. You should be really proud of yourself.
June_Bug is no door matt!!! Mess with June_Bug and you're outta there!!!

high five!
kp

I would have a lot less patience than you've shown. (My irritability is less well-controlled.) The first thing that comes to my mind is to wonder what kind of training, if any, does the agency give to its volunteers. This could be a systemic problem, whereby you'ld have to be really lucky to get someone decent from this agency.

You write so well and sound like someone with whom a visitor could have a very appropriate and pleasant and intelligent conversation. (I really do suspect that you might represent this agency better than the characters they are sending out.) Is there any other agency that offers something like this? You might investigate that option. If there isn't, then you would be well within your rights to candidly tell whoever supervises these visitors exactly how inappropriate they are being with you. The person you have coming around now sounds like a lost cause. I would let her go. The next person they send might come with an attitude based on agency gossip that you have complained. But not necessarily. The agency might go out of their way to send you the best person available, knowing that you will not accept poor behavior, which is what they are displaying. I mean not even common courtesy.