Frustraited

ugh.
I am doing really good work right now with T, Pdoc and massage T, REALLY good work. Not everyone inside is holding up so well. I'm sorry I can't explain "the work" right now but it is really triggering inside and things are ouchie enough.
Usually I do well with my antidepressant and my anxiety med (Valium) which is "as needed". I have been on the anxiety med for 7 (?) years now and it has totally changed my life. I don't typically use it much and 98% of the time it takes care of the anxiety with no side effects.
With this new work I am both terrified (like, more scared than the times I had people try to kill me) AND 100X more excited than a kid at Christmas. Inside is a total mess. Some are happy, scared, terrified, angry, rebellious... name an emotion and I can show you the part(s)!
When I am like this, with mixed emotion not just anxiety my anxiety med creates problems. It does have dis-inhibiting effects as well as being linked to increased depression. I have parts that are sui right now, parts that want to SI (I have no history of SI), parts struggling with addiction (?! They are craving cigarettes even though I am an extreme asthmatic and have never smoked! there are other cravings too but that one is the worst) and parts that are really depressed. I know I can't take my anxiety med without creating problems.
I called Pdoc 2 days ago to get klonopin which we had talked about using before when she was worried I may have built a tolerance to the med I am on. No call back, no script. Called again and left a message this AM. I feel bad because it is not an 'emergency' but I am SO uncomfortable!
Other snafoo... Pdoc doesn't know there are parts (although she may have figured it out herself, wouldn't put it past her). Tried talking to T about the parts and she said "I don't work with parts it is too messy". Well that was 3 years ago and I still have parts upset about it (mostly about being called messy. T works with the parts if she knows it or not, she hasn't figured out how to tell us part ). Massage T saw the parts and she brought it up and things are good there. I am still terrified to tell Pdoc about the parts. It is not a diagnosis that is "in my chart".

ICK

Right now I am getting by because I saw massage T Tuesday and will see her later today. Seeing her every couple of days is keeping things manageable... BUT... it is $90 a session and my budget is shot. She also doesn't work again until Tuesday!

This is SO F*ing uncomfortable!!!!

The work is good work and it isn't even trauma work or anything that 'should' be upsetting. This makes it hard because friends don't understand why I need so much support right now when it is good stuff. Especially after all the hell I have been through with very little support in the past. Everyone on my "treatment team" is trying REALLY hard to help pace things at a pace I can manage. My body/emotions aren't cooperating. I have been trying to do this work since 1994 and when the door opened just a crack the flood waters started pouring through. I am trying to use my CBT stuff but it doesn't seem to work the same for this as it did when I was struggling with PTSD.

Blah, Blech, harumph!

That all sound like really hard work.
I don’t think I could do it.
Take care.

((((((((Omers)))))))))
You are doing great work, hold the path.

Started a different anti anxiety med last night. I am supposed to take more this morning but I have a migraine (storms) and can't keep anything down. At least last night the new med didn't throw me into the uncontrollable crying fits the other med was. The other med works great for biological/chemical anxiety... like when I have a panic attack because it is trash day and there are trash bins at the curb (things that don't make sense). This anxiety is different though. It makes sense. I am pushing my comfort zone, learning new things and trying things again that caused pain in the past (they shouldn't have caused pain but they did). I am really glad that Pdoc trusts me even though I know she wonders. But sometimes I am depressed because of brain chemistry and sometimes I am depressed because things really do suck. Sometimes I am anxious because of brain chemistry and sometimes I am anxious because things really are friggin scarey!

I know it might seem strange I posted this here when it may have made more sense in psychotherapy or meds but there is a parts component here too. I know I am safe, I know this is good, I know this is the right thing to be doing. The parts that took all the bad stuff for me though are not so sure. There are so many parts with so many really good reasons to think this is bad and dangerous. And, when they were created it would have been really bad, it would have been really dangerous but it isn't now. Massage T, T, and Pdoc are all safe and loving. They wont let anything happen to us. Especially massage T. So, while I can use good coping/self care skills to keep myself going the mob growing behind me was too much for me to manage without extra help.

Korin, You are stronger than you think.
Krazy Phoenix, if where ever you are is cold (current status) then I want to come visit! confused follows me where ever I go any way!