Despite all the additional meds. Called my GP today. didn't tell him that last night I was feeling suicidal. But did tell him I am not doing good. Lots of anqiety which I think is what is making me snappy. Not helped by hubby doing nothing around the house except messing up places I just tidied. I have tried to do some school work but found it SO hard to achieve. All I have managed is to mark one set of assessments.

Anyway, GP said to take olanzapine twice daily (was on once) and to use the valium as I need to. Trouble is I don't know when I need to; I don't know if I am over reacting or if I am reacting entirely reasonably.

I've been having some REALLY weird dreams too - along with not sleeping well. Thinnk the weird dreams keep waking me up.

I can't remember stuff. Can't remember names, facts, where I put stuff, appointments. All that and more.

I hate being where I am. I just don't want to be here any more, and I have lost hope that I will ever get to a better place.

[JustBen]

Sorry you're feeling so bad, Caroline. I'm glad you called your doc. Was there any reason you didn't tell him that you were feeling suicidal when you talked to him? Are you afraid of his reaction, or just don't want to deal with it?

Anyway, don't be afraid to call him back and ask him for some guidance about when to take your meds. The thing about whether or not your reactions are reasonable or not is really hard to sort through. Maybe you could set up a little scale for yourself. 0=I feel great, 10=This is the worst I've ever felt in my life. Then you can say, "Okay, when I get to a 7 (or 8, or whatever) I'm going to take my valium."

Just a thought. Keep in mind I'm not a doctor!

[Mahali]

I would also encourage you to call doc and be fully open with him/her about how you are feeling.

The suicidal feelings and confusion are both worrisome. I do not think you are over reacting and calling is a good idea.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly, and that symptoms seem to be increasing.

I'm with Place and Ben on the fact that you should be speaking with someone about feeling suicidal.

I can do exactly what you explained with forgetting, etc., when I have a high amount of anxiety or triggers...especially when it's ongoing.

Please stick close to hubby, dr., t, and your pastor and his wife right now there IRL. Know that we're here and care.

KD

[LMo]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Caroline said:
Trouble is I don't know when I need to; I don't know if I am over reacting or if I am reacting entirely reasonably.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Caroline -- you totally hit the nail on the head with this. This is the crux of the problem with mental health vs meds. I'm too tired right now to elaborate, but I want you to know that I'm reading your posts and found what you said above to be a very important truth.

[CedarS]

I'm nodding in agreement with what everyone wrote.

If we can help in any way, keep letting us know. We're here, we care.

Thank you Ben

Why didn't I tell my GP I was feeling suicidal? Because that was the previous evening and when I called him I didn't feel that way. Because there is nothing he could do (you'll have to believe me on this one - in the UK and certainly where I live, admitting to feeling suicidal doesn't get you a place in hospital - you only get that if you actually try to commit suicide, and if I tried I woud make very sure I succeeded). I didn't really get the chance to talk to my GP about it anyway; this was all on the phone.
Calling him back isn't an option - he won't be at work now until next Tuesday, which is when I am due to see him anyway (I believe). There is an out of hours service, but that would be a strange dr and there's no way I could talk to someone new about all this.

I like the idea of a scale and I will try that.

Thanks for responding.

THanks place. I'm certainly going to talk to him about both when I see him again. I hate the confusion.

Thank you kimmy.

The hugs are much needed and gratefully received.

You're right that the high anxiety could well be adding to the forgetfullness. So could the particular meds I am on, I think. And of course, the depression doesn't help itself.

I'm trying to stick around people, even though I'd rather isolate.

Thank you Sarah.

I wish I could see a way that anyone could help. I hate feeling this hopeless. But thank you for caring. I want to see something I could do to make it all better.

[allthegirls6]

Caroline, i dont know what to say. Im in a bad place too. But i hope for some relief for you soon