I don't want to have did

I have been reading the posts on this forum and everyone speaks about systems, alters talking to therapists, emailing for their host, what is all this about. how can any of this be real it is like i am losing my mind.

I so understand where you might be right now. For me, when I was first diagnosed, I just couldn't believe it. I went way out of my way to try to prove that I didn't have it, even to the point that thinking the whole diagnosis was made-up or a ridiculous fantasy thing. I didn't have any memory of abuse and I thought my relationships with people (the very people who abused me) were just fine. I even defended them, even when they were doing things that were very much abusive. Sure I got suicidal after contact with these people, but that was normal for me and I didn't (or couldn't) make the connection.

I used to think people were tricking me. I thought that people purposely said things that I did or said, etc to just be mean. I went around with a lot of hurt feelings, and feeling scared because of it.

And when I had my children, I knew I had to protect them, but I didn't know what I needed to protect them from. So I protected them from strangers and "bad" movies and "bad" language and teasing, etc etc, and because I didn't have awareness, I did not protect them from what or who I needed to.

I wish so much that I had been diagnosed earlier in life. I often wonder what a difference that might have made in my life. But on the other hand, I think things happen when it's time so maybe I wouldn't have been ready then.

I agree that this is a hard diagnosis to accept and sometimes to even understand. Even now, it's still sometimes hard for me to accept and understand.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way but I believe that it's a normal step to the whole process. We cannot change or heal if we do not have awareness. And I personally think denial is a huge part of becoming aware.

The brain is an amazing organ. With this disorder, the brain is what saved me from dying as a child. It helped me adapt to stuff that should have killed me. When the child is put through stuff that it just cannot handle, the brain does what it needs to, in order to survive.

You are a survivor, no matter what is going on. Please be gentle with yourself during this time and just give yourself the time you need. It's really okay if you don't accept right now. We all go at our own pace, no matter what we are dealing with. And awareness and knowledge comes when it's time and not a moment sooner.

During the early part of my therapy, I quit therapy every week, but I made the decision to go even when I quit. And that has made such a difference for me. I hope you have or will find a good therapist to help you through this time.

No matter what goes on for you, please know that we are here to support you and want the best for you. We are glad you are here and hope you will find a good support home here.

Take gentle care,
wanttoheal

What she said ^^^ Yep, welcome Claritytoo.

you know how there is -

the universe has the solar system - planets that came into being? every culture has their own version how they came to be.

the digestive system - the network of bodily parts and actions that help the body to get what it needs?

the world treatment providers now know enough about the human body to know every human has their own internal mental health system - mental things like how a person thinks, what their triggers are, (things that make a person have reactions), how they react to their world and people around them, why they do the things they do, what kinds of mental disorders there are and how those are in each person.

each person has their own way they show their mental disorder, and has their own grouping of symptoms and how that mental disorder affects them.

A persons DID system is how their alters are set up so that they could survive their childhood. each alter has their own purpose /jobs to do that enables the person with the mental disorder to survive.

example

Pinky is part of my DID system. her job was to hold the memory, feelings/emotions about the time I had an allergic reaction to the herb Thyme. everytime after her creation if I had an allergic reaction she would take control, and do what was needed so that I would survive the allergy attack. I would not know about the allergy, I would not be afraid of going to the hospital and I would not have to go through the trachiotomy, allergy testing. I had no knowledge of it until she shared that information with me and pinky and I integrated.

My alter sunshine's job was to joke around and play games and show enjoyment with my abusers, while my alter rane/teers job was to cry when my abusers caused pain. this way I would know know the pain my abusers were causing and would not fear them and be able to be in the same room with them during family time.

My alter yogi's job was to sing and dance, provide me with ways to distract myself so that I would not feel certain abuse I wont write here so that I dont trigger others.

I even had alters that had self injury jobs because my abusers taught me to punish myself for wrong doing like telling about them. and another set of alters who's jobs it was to prevent self injury and prevent others from knowing those alters self injured.

the point is each alter is set up for how ever, and what ever they need to survive. for every negative type there's a positive type alter because children who are abused also love those that abuse them. I know sounds strange. but thats how it does. children love their parents or other relatives they just dont like the abuse and cant handle the abuse so they split off parts of their personalities as a way to survive.

how do alters talk to therapists, be able to do things they take control. the diagnostic criteria says every person that has DID has at least two alters that constantly take control. those that take control of the physical body can talk, walk and live separate lives than the host (person diagnosed with DID) does. they take on complete lives of their own. mine had their own clothes, things they would do, even had their own bank accounts and sometimes those in control moved around to live other places than where I lived. I would become aware and be lost and have to have the police's help in getting me back home where I felt I belonged.

Some alters that take control are very limited on what their knowledge is and others have the ability to learn. Example my alter "red" was limited to only anger where as my alter "grey" had the job and ability to adapt so that I would fit in. Though I come from a place that did not have Ipods and Mp3 players nor the internet Grey knows and had those things because she learned how to use those things so that I wouldnt stick out and have problems in the world outside out Mountain home I grew up in.

Alters are whatever and how ever each host needed in order to survive. Some can email and some cant. now that Im integrated and have all of Greys memories and knowledge its quite easy to email. Grey would email other alters, my therapist and sometimes me by placing our own email address in the send to box. that way the email would leave the composing page and appear in the "inbox" of the email account. Some of my other alters that were adaptable had their own email accounts so they could email each other and my therapist.

again alters are whatever the host needed to survive. they can do anything their purpose/jobs allow them to do.

Thanks for sharing with me. I just feel like I am sliding into a black hole and can't stop. There is fear, anger, confusion, denial, but just when I think it is all wrong I think back when I have seen people that appeared one dimensional, thoughts in my head that get so loud I can't think, seeing myself from outside myself, fearful John, 16, and my anger. I can't deny them, They exist in my mind as real as I exist. Last night I think it all hit me as I was reading other posts. There is so much here that I have experienced. I just don't want it to be so.

This is where I doubt my diagnosis. When I drank as a teenager I would have black outs. But when I stopped drinking the blackouts stopped. I was 18. I don't remember specific things but I don't have a loss of time. I know what blackouts felt like the next day. My anger/rage does not speak. He has always been there in case I need him. He is still here. My anger talks, and 16 talks and John who is afraid talks. I only found out about John this fall. I am always there I just can't do anything. I can see myself, or hear me speaking but I am just there. 16 seems to be able to talk to the others and let them in and out. My anger is very distrustful which fuels my anger. There is a very young me but she is inside safe. During therapy my anger came out and was confused and began speaking with the therapist I had stepped back and was listening. But as I became more agitated I couldn't pull him back. So I just stopped talking. Because the more I talked the more agitated I was becoming. My therapist kept talking to me and not my anger. She wanted me let her know that he was out. I explained to my therapist that it doesn't work that way. If I come forward to speak I can not reach back and bring my anger forward again. They talk when they want not when I want them to. And my anger only spoke because he thought the therapist was trying to trick him. She mentioned something that he was not aware of. I did tell him that what she said was right and he wanted to come back in. I told him to stay out to talk. He did. But if he had said no I could not have kept him out. I do have some confusion with me the "host" and me "born". I am not always sure who is doing what. I didn't expect to get into all of this. And after writing this I can see the probability of me being dissociative. But I don't lose time, and I am there when my moods change. That is what makes me think I am losing my mind.