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#1
Dec 26, 2011, 01:06 PM
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***TRIGGER WARNING***
Somewhat graphic... A very small history on me... Was dx'd DID in 2001. The incident that brought about the split was when I was 4. My fathers idea of fun one day was to force me to sit in on a game of russian roulette with him and his two friends. The split happened when he made me pull the trigger on myself. I wont get into the rest but that was my first blackout and the beginning of many to come. So my problem now is... I was out drinking a few nights ago. I am a social drinker, only once every month or two and hardly ever to get drunk any more. But the other night I got beyond drunk. The night was flying by, we were all having a great time. Of course with drinking I only remembered bits and pieces of the night. I hadn't had too much to drink but my memory isn't the best as is so it doesn't surprise me that I don't remember much. That's not the problem. The whole night was great and I was finding myself in new places. I would suggest something and the next thing I knew I was there. I was 1/2 there 1/2 somewhere else kind of. I'm hoping those in here understand what I mean by that. It was a good night until... I was in another 1/2 in 1/2 out state where I didn't really know what I personally was doing but was somewhat aware of my surroundings. Out of no where everyone stops laughing and is saying "What?!?!" I got confused and just looked around, not sure what they were talking about... Apparently I asked them if they wanted to play russian roulette... Oh my goodness!!! What was that and where did it come from? Was I serious when I said it? I don't remember saying it. I casually tried to play it off and change subject, said I meant "Do ya'll want to play spades?" and they all quickly forgot about it but I didn't... I don't know what to make of this... Would I have started that game and played that horrid game if they would have? Was it just drunk talk? Was it someone else talking? I know no one can answer this but the fact that I said that and don't remember... It worries me... No drinking for me for a long time I know, that's the least of my worries... Has anything similar happened to anyone else I am wondering? Was it just a slip of the tongue because I was that drunk and wasn't even with it fully, or could it have been the part that was there that day? Or could it have just been old memories surfacing? I'm so lost...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you. 
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 kaliope, kindachaotic
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#2
Dec 26, 2011, 01:12 PM
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Sometimes a child will re-live the experience, over and over. I'm sorry, please take gentle care.
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 Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
 PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#3
Dec 26, 2011, 02:50 PM
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Ty pegasus. I don't know if it was a "little" or if it was my "inner child" heck I don't even know if there is a difference between the two. I'm so confused... Kinda wish I knew at least where it came from like who or what or if I did it without thinking... I just don't know... Ugh...
__________________
I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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#4
Dec 26, 2011, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
given your past postings and the information in this posting I can only say about this posting that only a treatment provider in your location can tell you the answers that you seek. there is a reason why the diagnostics include the criteria that the problems the person has cannot be because the person was using drugs or alcohol. So in diagnosing a persons DID problems alcohol use must be ruled out as being the problem because it makes people do things they sometimes would not otherwise do, makes them have thoughts they wouldnt otherwise have and makes them say things they would not otherwise say if they were not under the influence. it could also be your dissociative problems. I had alters that made me do and say things I would not have said and done while fully aware, and alters that were different than I am, and alters who's job/purpose it was to do things like re-enact abuse, punish me, commit suicide should key elements be there, ... only treatment providers near you can answer your questions. have you been able to get in to a treatment provider yet. if I remember right one of your past posts said something about you were looking or found some one. |
| PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#5
Dec 26, 2011, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
around here where I live and work the term inner child designates you feeling like a child while in a fully aware state of mind... you are in a mall and you are walking past "Santa's Station" and seeing all the children sitting on Santa's lap you remember how much you enjoyed going to see Santa and you remember that feeling so well that you fill with happiness from that memory. there is a therapy technique that takes this a step further where a therapist has their client close their eyes and imagines that child they used to be during key points in their childhood. the therapist has the client say or imagine doing things to help that imaginary child that represents who they used to be. alters (your word "littles") are more than just a feeling you get while fully aware. they have their own job/purpose, own way to be, and take control more than once to do what their job/purpose is and to live their own life separate from how you are and how you live your life. they may have some / a few things in common with you but who and what they are is separate from who and what you are. |
| PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#6
Dec 26, 2011, 06:58 PM
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How scary! I'm glad you became more aware, and were able to safely avoid this situation.
There could have been a lot of scenarios that triggered your memory of those events, the arrangement in which your group was seated, particular behaviors or words spoken, etc. It is possible that you were not actually suggesting that anyone play RR, but that you were merely repeating the phrase, as if you yourself had just heard it said. (just a suggestion, I have done this with a particular phrase before) I think you did a great job of handling the situation! Thank you for sharing. 
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| PurpleFlyingMonkeys
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#7
Dec 27, 2011, 08:56 AM
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Thank you so much Amanda and Gr3tta. Amanda, your replies are always very informative and great inspiration. I understand the drinking thing and I know there's a likelihood that it is because I was drinking and it was just a slip of the tongue, or it was just me being different than my usual self because of the alcohol. It was just strange to me that that was what was said. Even more so that I can't really remember saying it. I didn't even know what was going on when I said it, I was kinda floating away while I was talking at that moment. But drinking does cause this I believe. One of the reasons I don't drink as often. Although I have fun, I don't like the in and out feeling from it when I wake up. I always have trouble remembering the next day, even if I only drink a little I still have a lot of moments in between where I don't remember. Only 2 drinks and people will tell me the next day things that I don't remember. I think I have a memory problem lol
When I was 14, the first time I drank, another night with a black out, apparently I tried to eat cocaine as if it were powdered sugar, I've never touched it before and never plan to because of my father being hooked on crack. It kinda shocked me to hear that. But it comes with drinking, I always assumed it was because I was drunk so it could very well be the alcohol that caused me to say that. I don't have a t or a pdoc yet but I have been doing research and have gotten great help on here in finding the resources to get my medical started so I'm hoping things work with this. Just have to find a way to call and try and set up an appointment, I don't have a phone and being at the front desk at work, I don't want everyone hearing the conversation. But my hopes are to at least find a t who can work with my primary doc in finding meds that will help not hurt me. But I hallucinate like crazy apparently (I'm only recently realizing how often I hallucinate) and the meds to help the hallucinations cause me to dissociate and depersonalize a lot on those meds. Mood stabalizers and anti depressants as well. And some cause the hallucinations to get worse so I really think I need a pdoc, someone who knows the meds well, but I can't afford that and a t right now. As far as the littles goes, that makes sense. I don't know if I have "littles" or not heck I don't even know about the alters (but I guess that comes with the dx). It seems like my inner child got lost long long ago though. I can't remember the last time I felt like a child, I think I was just starting high school or at the end of middle school when I lost that child like spirit, if I ever had it to begin with. Everyones always told me I acted like I was 50, even as a child. My therapist even made comments on numerous occassions when I was 14 that I acted way too old. But this he explained was because my mother had a lot of drinking and partying days and apparently I had to grow up to take care of her... I can see that... But I can't as well, I had to grow up really to take care of myself. When you're in bad situations, you can't be immature, you have to use your brain, not let your emotions take over, that's how I've survived so far. I've come across pictures that I don't remember drawing. Pictures that are dated 2004 (when I was 17) and they were drawn by me apparently. They are of basically me with my mom and my dad, as a child and stick figure drawings. The spelling was really messed up as well. Like a child wrote it, I don't remember writing it but my mom says I gave it to her one day. It's a pic of me, my mom and my dad and an animal we used to have when I was a child. But that in no way means there is a "little", who knows, maybe I drew it when I was bored one day and just don't remember drawing it now? I went and saw my dad about 6 months ago. A man who used to be 6'4 and over 300 pounds of straight muscle. Now he's about 6'0 (he's really hunched over) and weighs about 160 pounds. Over the last couple of years his drug use has taken its toll on him. The once terrifying unstoppable man is now being pathetically whithered away. Serves him right I guess, but I love humans in general, I don't want to see that happen to anyone. Since I saw him, my mind hasn't been quite the same. Perhaps seeing him triggered something or someone within. My dissociation has gotten much worse, and my anxiety. But it could be any number of things causing it, something really as you said a t should figure out with me. I'm a psych buff. I read it, I obsess over it, I live it. I talk of psych non stop. It's always been a fascination of mine. But as much as I read and know about it, I need an outside perspective, really that's what it comes down to. You can't accurately understand the power of the storm if you're right in the middle of it. You have to observe from the outside to see all of the possible effects, I guess I need an observer, but I knew that. I just wish I could afford it... Hopefully... Gr3tta, you could very well be right as well. I considered the fact that the surroundings could have triggered it. I haven't been comfortable at that house since August. Every time I go over there my anxiety peaks. It's not them at all, up until August I really enjoyed going over there. Then I had the seizure over there. In the same couch I always sit in... Every time I go now it reminds me of the night in August after the seizure and I always have to fight off a anxiety attack. Not to mention the fact that we were all drinking around a table... Already anxious and a smill hint of familiarity with everyone sitting around the table drinking. Like they were that night. Perhaps some words were said that triggered the memory or something. Or perhaps Amanda is right and it could have been alcohol related as well. Either of those explinations seem to hold just as much possibility as the other, I guess a trained professional would be the best at deciding which one, and in many situations common to this, what the real cause for all these "symptoms" are. If only I had one now... Thanks again for the replies, I know I write too much, sorry... I'm a talker... Kinda... Thanks again!
__________________
I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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| Gr3tta
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