So I’m writing the best I can on here because I don't know who else to come to. I’ve had DDNOS since November and been able to live my life with out telling anyone I know offline, including my parents, thanks to the handy little thing called patient confidentiality. But here’s the thing. Lately, a lot of stuff has just happened. First off, I discovered that I have no memory of anything having to do with someone who has caused me significant trauma, or what happened between us. I know what happened, but I have no actual recollection.

Thing number two: my headmates are gone. And this is a lot more terrifying then the composed way in which I’m writing. I can just feel it. The thing is, Shane was the one holding all the memories about this person, and they seem to be gone along with him. And Kadee is just gone. Poof. The best I can tell, this is called spontaneous integration. I don’t know if my mind just decided to un-dissociate itself or what, but they’re gone, both of them. My mind is just completely empty. Is this what it felt like before the DDNOS? I can’t even remember.

So where I am right now is this: I have no memories of the last three years or so of anything ranging from school to the person. I know what’s happened, I just can’t physically remember it. And it’s scary. It’s really scary. I guess it was like a process of something because last night was the first night I was aware I can’t remember anything. And now they’re gone. Both of them.

And I don’t know what to do next.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by rebeccaclaire

So I’m writing the best I can on here because I don't know who else to come to. I’ve had DDNOS since November and been able to live my life with out telling anyone I know offline, including my parents, thanks to the handy little thing called patient confidentiality. But here’s the thing. Lately, a lot of stuff has just happened. First off, I discovered that I have no memory of anything having to do with someone who has caused me significant trauma, or what happened between us. I know what happened, but I have no actual recollection.

Thing number two: my headmates are gone. And this is a lot more terrifying then the composed way in which I’m writing. I can just feel it. The thing is, Shane was the one holding all the memories about this person, and they seem to be gone along with him. And Kadee is just gone. Poof. The best I can tell, this is called spontaneous integration. I don’t know if my mind just decided to un-dissociate itself or what, but they’re gone, both of them. My mind is just completely empty. Is this what it felt like before the DDNOS? I can’t even remember.

So where I am right now is this: I have no memories of the last three years or so of anything ranging from school to the person. I know what’s happened, I just can’t physically remember it. And it’s scary. It’s really scary. I guess it was like a process of something because last night was the first night I was aware I can’t remember anything. And now they’re gone. Both of them.

And I don’t know what to do next.

rebeccaclaire - Im wondering if you are confused about the terms integration and dissociation...

here in the USA dissociating means removing or shutting out your feelings / emotions / and traumatic events..

integration is where alters merge together with the host.. nothing is removed, taken away.. the alters dont go away taking with them their memories / feelings and traumatic events.. its the complete opposite.. once integration happens the alters and the alters memories are still there just in a different way.

integration means everything the alter is becomes part of the host including the alters memories/ feelings and traumatic events..

example

before integration "Red" had the memory of being bullied on the playground..

natural integration (you call it spontanious integration) happened and suddenly I remembered in full detail being bullied on the playground. that memory and "Red" became one / merged together with me.

On the other hand "Dissociating" is the term used here in the USA for when a person is experiencing stress, trauma ... and as a result they have a reaction called dissociating where they space out/ fade/ feel numb.....its an automatic reaction to things you cant handle.

the term for not remembering memories that are too traumatic / memories that have been repressed is called "dissociative amnesia"

DDNOS here stands for Dissociative Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.. here this is where you have some dissociative symptoms but not enough to be considered one disorder..

making a guess here that it may be your alters were a different kind than what comes with DID. So when their job/purpose was done /gone / over with they just became part of you.. (alters with Dissociative disorders dont go away. they merge together)

making another guess it may be that part of your DDNOS is having Dissociative Amnesia where you will have memory gaps even though the alters have merged with you/ became one with you, because its still too traumatic for you to fully remember those memories that the alters once held for you. the memories are there somewhere with dissociative disorders, nows just might not the right time for you to have access to them.

Im integrated and I still have many memory gaps.. some may be repressed memories associated with having dissociative amnesia and others may be just the natural way my brain worked,.. when those memories happened they were not important to me so my brain did what ever brains to the unimportant left overs.

my suggestion contact your treatment providers. they can explain to you what type of alters you have, where they are and why you dont have those memories in your consciousness yet.

[Luce]

I think it is highly unlikely they are integrated, and more likely that they are hiding. I am now mostly integrated, and in my experience there was a huge difference between when alts were 'hiding' and when alts were integrated. When I lost temporary contact with them (without integration) there was a lonely and awful silence within. Like you are experiencing now I didn't have access to any of their memories or emotions - they took them all with them.
Post integration was very different. It was more like they were with me constantly, within me, and I had all the memories, feelings and characteristics that one belonged solely to them.
Put simply - when they were hiding I was much LESS, and when they were integrated I was much MORE.

What to do next? One thing I learned over time was that when they went into hiding there was always a very good reason for it, even if I wasn't aware of it. The other important thing I learned over time was that they always came back. I learned to trust them and accept what 'was' for the time being. Eventually the reasons always became clear to me and I usually discovered that the decision for them to go into hiding for a time was the wisest one for them to make at the time.
Hopefully you can relate to some of this and it helps you in some way.

Thank you, both of you. I'm not entirely sure what the DDNOS means for me, or how my alters differ from DID, having never been diagnosed with that. I don't entirely know what is going on, or the proper terms, and for that I apologize. I"m only able to describe what I'm feeling.

I can actually actually relate to Luce, and perhaps that is what is happening. I haven't the slightest idea why they would be hiding, nothing unusual has happened over the past week. I do get the strangest feeling that Shane is the one who held the memories (if that makes an sense) and I feel almost as though he has taken them with him.

It's empty and lonely without either of them, and I do hope they come back, if they really are hiding. I don't think I could stand it if either or them were gone for good. x

[lizardlady]

Rebeccaclaire, don't worry about using the "right" words. What you describe sounds scary, but it doesn't sound like integration. As the others said when I integrated I had all the memories of my alters. You say nothing has happened in the last week to cause your alters to go into hiding. Maybe something happened that you are not aware of? Maybe something happened that the alters are holding the memory of? Or maybe something happened that didn't seem like a big deal to you but scared the bejeebers out of your alters.

I agree with Lizardlady, don't worry about the technicality of terms. I would worry that what is happening is scary for you. I wouldn't worry too much about them being gone, if they were gone, their memories would be your memories, so you wouldn't forget. Maybe you could try some internal dialogue with them? Would they feel unsafe for any reason?