Nightmares and Flashbacks

<font color="#000088"> Last night I was slammbed with nightmares and flashbacks most of the night. I'm so exhausted and still have so much stuff to do around the apartment. If I wasn't so exhausted I would say that I could get it all done today, but I know that I cannot do it all today. The flashbacks are still hitting me right and left. I want to go hide in the closet and just disappear. The body memories seem to start to come around also. The pain and emotions are raging like mad. I have to go touch things to make sure that there isn't any blood anywhere. Cause I see it everywhere. I'm trying all the grounding techinques that T and I have talked about doing. Just isn't working. Right now isn't the time for me to fall apart. I already made a promise with my system that we can fall apart or go through whatever we need to go through to let go of the pressure cooker totally next Sunday. This week I have to focus on getting the apartment all set up and trying to find a roommate. But yet they want to show me these memories now. I am getting so frustrated with them. I keep telling them if it is difficult for them right now to go to sleep so I can get things done and then I will take care of it. It is so hard to take care of inside things when I have so much on the outside that needs to be done. Getting the apartment finished and finding a roommate is more important right now than dealing with these memories and flashbacks, etc. I hate to be that way but it is. I just wished I could get my system to know it. I don't see T again until the 4th of April. So this is going to be hard. I will probably write email to her. Darn it body memories coming again. Gotta go. </font>

Sorry you're hurting. GL ~Dottie

One thing I have learned though the years is flashbacks and memory recall doesn't happen on a schedule.

My first set (cycle) of flashbacks hit me in 1986. I have gone through so many cycles of them since. There is no way to control when they hit. I can be on a bus and one will hit. I can be talking to a friend and one will hit.

The key to having a flashback is experiencing a trigger - seeing someone that looks like the abuser, hearing a word that was spoken during the attack, hearing a simular voice as the abuser, seeing something that was seen during the attack.

The brain is like a computer it matches present day experiences to what is stored so that the person can understand and function on a daily basis. for example seeing a broom tells the person nothing until the brain matches the sight of a broom with the stored memory of what a broom is and how to use it.

There is no stop or pause switch that we can turn the brain on and off saying ok we are going to not remember what happened until Monday, so no flashbacks until then. Oh man how many times I wished over the years I could do that. But I couldnt and can't.

So the only other thing I could do was start paying attention to how I feel. Keep a journal about it and soon a pattern showed up as to what happens when a flashback is going to hit. By payinng attention to how I feel and what triggers me I can do things to take care of myself while the flashback is hitting me.

I carry with me a walkman with some cassettes some have relaxation type music and others have specific songs that help me to stay calm, I also carry a notebook with me so that I can write what I am seeing, hearing and feeling while the flashback is going on.

Later after I am no longer in the flashback I read over what I wrote or drew and try to match the content with what was going on right before the flashback happened. Then when I find that trigger I plan ahead to pay attention for that trigger and what to do when Im in contact with that trigger again. Quite a few times this has prevented the flashback from happening either at all or at least to the painful degree it was before.

Another thing I do that helps somewhat is I sometimes set the flashbacks off on purpose using my known triggers when I am alone or with my therapist (or I should say therapists since I have had many over the past 20 plus years of therapy.) This way Im not in the middle of doing something and I have the time I need to try and find out more information that is contained in that flashback.

Once all the information in the flashback is known the flashback fades into not happening anymore. I know all the content so that trigger doesn't bother me anymore. When the trigger doesn't upset me anymore I don't have the flashback because flashbacks are caused by being triggered.

((WOUNDEDHEARTS))

Be Gentle with yourselves...