flashbacks and nightmares

Hi. I am new here. I was amazed to read entries on post traumatic stress syndrome. I've been diagnosed as having ptsd. I often get angry with myself that abuse that happened years ago has such a hold on me now. I have a dissociative disorder and feel as though the emotional numbing that goes with it has sometimes taken over my life. I don't seem to care about anything or feel motivated. I have flashbacks and nightmares again, and yet, for years I functioned pretty well. I didn't start remembering the abuse until several years ago. I have just started to see a new t and it makes me nervous because I'm afraid to go there again. The flashbacks and nightmares are as fresh as when I was having them in the beginning, only I have remembered more details. I wonder if all of this will just go away permanently some day or if there will always be triggers that bring it all back. I hide from the world most of the time. I don't feel like the same person that I once was. I don't know if that is good or badl. Sometimes, when I am here alone, I've had this smell just overwhelm me. And I know that it sounds nuts.. However, I also know that it is connected to the abuse, and try as I may I cannot remember. When it happens I am just overwhelmed to the point where I'm frozen and can't do anything. I grow tired of living my life with such a detachment, or numbing, or whatever, I don't know. And the worst part of it all is that my family doesn't even know who I am or how I feel. I can't tell them because they would only say "you should have been over that a long time ago". And I think to myself, and get angry with myself because, yes, I should be over all of this by now. But the old ways of self protection are so firmly in place that I feel trapped and alone and unable to be who I am. I'm not even sure who that is anymore. It is all I can do to deal with the flashbacks and the nightmares. It seems to consume me. It's like going back to another place, another time, where all you feel is pain and confusion and shame. So, anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on so much. I'm still trying to just understand. I've met several nice people here and wish that more were in the chat room. I'm glad that I found this place.

Welcome, Yokus!!!!

You have hit everything right on target--you are not alone! I am here and finally I am not alone! I used to live a normal life too! At least I thought it was normal, I guess it was just survival instincts. One thing that I do know is that the thing we went through to cause ptsd are not our fault! I should practice what I preach though because I let the guiltand humiliation overwhelm me. Family does not understand this that much I know.
I want to say so much but my fingers cannot type fast enough! I am glad you are here maybe we can help each other through this crap!

I am here for you.

hugs and a wish for peaceful sleep
jac

I went thru a really hard time with pstd (self diagnosed). I had every symptom but one and I can relate to the shutting off, generally not caring, the numbness and generally trying to forget.
I started coming here after awhile because I hated what I had become and I needed some help. It's gotten alot easier and I have gotten better. I still have flashbacks and I still struggle but not so often and not so bad. I actually had the worst one I have had in a long time on Saturday morning. All it took was for my husband to make a "stupid joke" and I was beside myself. I worked thru it. Remembering it's not happeneing anymore and that it wasn't my fault helped. It wasn't nice though.

Don't feel bad about rambling, we all do it and you weren't rambling anyway, just talking to us. Glad your here, was nice to meet you in chat yesterday :O)
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

You are not alone. I have flashbacks and nightmares of my experience with a second marraige. I was deceived and cleaned out financially. She left me twice without saying a word, created incredible drama and problems for my kids. I went a long time without having the nightmares, I think because I was in a warm, nutruing relationship. However, I made some pretty huge mistakes and lost this relationship. With the added time alone, especially sleeping alone, I am having these nightmares every single night.

I think the solution is to get your life in order and feel safe and comfortable. I know when I felt that way my nightmares stopped.

yokus ((((Huggs)))) your healing of the abuse is on no one's time clock but your own. it is normal to take time to process through past abuse. memories are so shameful to us that work through them is painful. you'll protect yourself by not remembering everything at once, but at a time when you are ready to remember. try not to think that "you should be over this by now" and instead think "you ARE where you are supposed to be." take care (((Huggs)))

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>