[Claritytoo]

Is it possible for me to remember something I did and find it so vile that I would hurt myself? That is what one of my alter is afraid of, that I might hurt myself if I remember. I think this is a huge reason for the amount of fear I feel when I attempt to speak with a particular alter.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Clarity))))

I can only answer for us. Yes, it has happened and right now I fear it could happen again. I am struggling right now with some things and I am struggling not to hurt at times as it is something I cannot talk about or even write about. I have hidden for weeks now trying to not let it show and have not been able to write or anything at this time as I cannot bring myself to and no one within can either. Even the thought of writing it out terrifies me and causes me to want to hurt.

I am afraid of the one within that holds this and I feel that fear being reciprocated. Fear has stopped me from reaching within or without. I am even scared posting this. One within knows that I have trouble dealing with memories, and knows that often it causes thoughts to hurt, it is really getting to me. Just wanted to say you are not alone and that I understand.

dps

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Is it possible for me to remember something I did and find it so vile that I would hurt myself? That is what one of my alter is afraid of, that I might hurt myself if I remember. I think this is a huge reason for the amount of fear I feel when I attempt to speak with a particular alter.

in general yes it is possible for someone to harm their self because they cant handle things like stress, life and hard memories. in general people do all kinds of self injury acts and suicide when things get to be too much for them.

I cant say whether this will happen to you. only you and your treatment providers know whether you have a history of having / being suicidal /self injury thoughts /actions and what your triggers for such actions are.

my suggestion since you and your alters are worried about this, it would be a good topic to discuss with your treatment providers. My treatment providers were very helpful and understanding with the topic of suicide/self injury and we have a contract in place for such times. maybe your treatment providers have rules and guidelines about suicide and self injury so that they can help you through this safely.

[such is life...]

((( claritytoo))) This is common among us as well. I have been blessed with some really good protectors, is a protector keeping you from this memory because you may not be ready for it? Or protecting you from an internal persecutor ( I have internal persecutors who hurt us or the body.Unlike a protector "they" don't really care about Others in the System...their job is to harm you if you remember " things", or "feel things "...well they aren't there to care about you or your little ones...I don't know if I am making any scene at all .This has been my experience.... I understand

[Claritytoo]

I want to thank all of you for responding. It helps me to know that I am not alone in my concerns. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past but have always reasoned myself through them. My fear is that I have done something so vile that I will not be able to forgive myself. I want to know what I did but the fear of annihilation overwhelms me. If I knew I could reach out at anytime to someone when these thoughts invade my mind I would feel safer. I know suicide is not the answer. I know it would cause the ones I love great pain. I know I still need to be here for my family. I am just afraid I will not be able to find this knowledge when I need it. My biggest concern regarding suicide has always been regret. I am not sure if that is enough right now. I will talk specifically about suicide with my t, We really haven't done that. I will see if she has a similar agreement that amandalouise mentioned. I want to know what happened and believe I can't heal unless I do. I am just afraid of what I might do when I find out. And it is that fear that stands between me and my freedom from my past.