[darkpurplesecrets]

I have not posted out on the forums much for a while now as I have been so afraid that it is not safe. But I wanted to reach out and try. Things are getting worse again and I am finding myself feeling so far away, having trouble talking a lot, or reaching out. It feels I am being flooded and unsure where I am. Always afraid and constantly on alert. I have lost a lot of time through out last week and this week is not starting off any better.

I feel I am risking a lot to post here as my family knows I am here and they read what I post. It makes it hard to reach out or to say much of anything. Once again it feels like I am trying to hide and peak out every once in a while when I feel so alone in it all. Stepping on egg shells afraid of making any noise or being found out. It makes it hard and holding it in the silence is killing me.

Seems all within are on alert right now and having a hard time connecting with anyone within. There are those within that want to stop me and is making it hard to even go to see t at all. I sit and stare off, often finding it hard to get back. Sometimes it feels I am not going to take the next breath and those frames where I disappeared and came back between them are right there, at times as if I am still right there.

It feels the walls are breathing and staining in crimson, and I am not sure they are not going to enclose me within them. At times it feels as though I could slip into them disappearing altogether. I am afraid that I am within a dream somewhere and I am afraid I am going to wake up and be back in that place awaiting my end. Sleep does not come except in spurts and the night mares are screaming at me.

I feel at times like I am being pulled away and that there is a wall between those within and myself. I can hear them but I cannot reach them. It feels unsafe and like I am losing my mind at times. Losing time and ending up someplace I do not know how I got to or why, feeling that drugged feeling once again making it hard to move or lift my head. Some of the littles so terrified I can feel them shaking and hear their small cries through the wall.

Trying to stay in the moment but those moments seem to never come or maybe they are never ending but the moments are anywhere but here in this present time. At times it feels I am trying to say something but nothing comes out, except inside where the silent screams echo through my head where no one can hear me. I feel I want to disappear at times and not be here.

I find myself trying to write all the time but my thoughts do not want to come down as if trying to find them in the fog that is thick and at times nothing makes sense but somehow knowing it is suppose to. Tears seem to fall without warning but yet stop just as fast. I feel I am being pulled almost somewhere within and there is no way out. Fearing everyone even those that in my head I know are safe and care.

I feel so alone even when I am not, and even more afraid to say anything even though somewhere inside I want to. The counting to 30 is strong and that feeling of when I get to 30 I will say something but 30 never seem to come but the clock goes around and around until time seems to be gone. Writing so small as if not to be seen but needing to get it out of my mind where it feels it is spinning. At times I can show it to someone but most is written and kept in silence afraid to let anyone know what is in those little words.

Others within writing at times that I have no idea they have even come out, sometimes posting it sometimes not. And I am too afraid to read what it is they have to say. I feel like I am losing my mind if it ever was there at all. My anxiety seems so high and makes it hard at times to breathe. Wanting to be close and connect yet at times coiling back terrified to even be seen. And all the while those silent screams getting louder and more forceful within.

I do not know what I am trying to say or if this even makes any sense. Just needing to reach out, hoping somehow it is okay, and that someone knows we are here...............................trying to hold onto our purple but it feels it is slipping away too..........................

dps

(((((((dps))))) we are so sorry you are struggling so badly. we rarely,if ever post in here but when we saw your post we just had to reply. can you identify where all this fear is coming from? can anyone inside safely be out besides you to give you a break and see whats going on maybe? we dont know all your anniversaries-is there maybe one coming up or close by? you know we basically share the same background and so without saying more know we understand. if writing small makes you feel safer then thats OK,just know we can see you! you are so much stronger than you know-please dont forget that! we know that sounds cliche and sometimes when people tell that to us we want to scream "shut up,you have no idea!" at them but somewhere we know its truth or else none of us would still be here. take that crimson color and make it the color YOU want! we promise you arent losing your mind though at times it might seem like it. we wish there was more we could do to help but we offer what we have to you. if we can do anymore please dont hesitate to ask. PM us anytime,we are here♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

dps could you make another username or ask for a username change so that you do feel safe? Or could you go to another board...? I hate to see you have to be quiet because of possible nosey people?

[Kiya]

(((((((((((DPS)))))))))))))))))

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((TD))))

Thank you for caring and for your support. Yes, it is coming up to another anniversary and I can feel not only myself but some within feeling a lot of fear and anxiety. It seems that anniversaries are always popping up somewhere and even though I am not aware of everything yet, those within that hold those memories know.

I know that with surgery coming up and being postponed makes it hard too. Many within are terrified of surgery and even though they are getting better at going through it, there is always that fear of what is taking or going to take place, will we die, are they putting something inside us. We had an EMG a week or so ago and it triggered many within and myself more than I realized it would. My doctor asked if I had been shocked during abuse, it could not be hidden.

Right now I do not feel strong at all as I feel small a lot. Though sleep is sporadic, dreams are constant and filled with terror as memories are flooding me right now making it hard to stay in the moment or present. Sometimes I feel I want to slip into those walls as they seem to close around me. I feel myself at times screaming that silent scream but no one can hear me.

I know that we share a lot of similar things and I am sorry that you also went through so much. Each day it feels as though I am trying to walk through quicksand, at times it feels I am sinking one step more and will not make it. Those within are behind a wall and right now I cannot seem to get to those that help me nor can I hear them except for the muffled cries and that feeling of terror that seems to engulf us all.

TD, just knowing you are here and listening means more than you could know. Having others who understand what we are saying and hear us makes a difference and gives us hope to push on and that we are not alone. When I started this journey I had no idea what was within myself or that there were others. I had no idea what they held or the importance they held in our life.

Even knowing that there are those within programmed and trained to stop us from getting help or knowing the truth, to hurt me and those within, and to push the lies we were brainwashed to believe, I know that somehow I have to keep pushing and facing the truths that for so long were blocked out and hidden. I realize that those parts were also really abused and used and they are doing what they were set up to do.

Each step I find a little more of myself but the deeper I go the more pain, terror, and memories grasp hold and at times make it harder to hold onto that small hope that seemed to once be there. It feels that candle of hope is burning out but yet I am trying hard to grasp hold of it and not let it. Tears seem to fall at any given moment then disappear just as fast. Writing is getting harder and seems to disappear at times.

Yes, I do get what you are saying about being strong, and yes sometimes I want to shout "shut up, you have no idea," but you are right that somewhere we are strong or we would not be here now. But even saying that there are times that strong does not seem strong enough, yet we hang on and keep pushing the best we can. I know that no one can do this for me, but knowing that others can have an understanding and that we are not alone means more than anyone knows.

dps

(((((dps)))) with the current moon phase we are struggling but we just want to keep letting you know we are still here for you,we still see you and we still understand. it stinks that the further inisde we go the more we find out and the more the pain and terror permeate. but just know that somewhere,someplace and sometime IT WILL END!!! we say that as much for ourselves as we do for you because we all need to hear it and eventually believe it. we gave up on trying to keep track of all the anniversaries-they number so high its pointless to even try. were sure you get that! we didnt know you had yet another surgery coming up-may we ask what for this time? you are infinitely much braver than we are because that would set us into a place we dont think we could return from. we admire you for that♥ things starting to get fuzzy foggy so we just leave you with our love and encouragement and always only just a PM away♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((LydiaB)))

Thank you for the questions and for caring. I have changed my user name before and then back as my name meant something to me and still they knew. I know they read from the outside and are watching. Leaving PC is not an option as I will not allow them to run me off and take yet another thing from me. I came here so afraid and resigned to die. I risked reaching out, terrified to be heard, terrified to tell anyone anything. It was a start and it saved my life.

Even though posting is hard to do and a risk, I know that completely shutting down would be even worse and give them even more power. The deeper I go the more the terror seems to grow. Knowing that we were never supposed to tell or even remember was a set-up from the start. But slowly we are beginning to risk a little more even to posting here. Sometimes it is hard to post what we feel because it is at times far away and often it feels as though reaching down from someplace above myself as the words somehow fill the screen but they are there.

I really appreciate you asking and I hope this makes sense or at least some. Words right now are hard to bring down from my head, sometimes as if they themselves are afraid to be known. I guess that if we never risk they win, and we would never know the possibility of healing. It is hard, but the alternative is dying alone with it all.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Kiya))))

Thank you for the hug. It means more than you know.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

(((TD))))

Thank you hon. Yes, the moon is a trigger right now for us also. So much so that I am not at home this weekend knowing that a possible visit could take place. Trying hard to stay safe and do what I need to do for ourselves. Thank you for being here and for understanding. Thank you for what you said about it will end. Somewhere I have to believe that or I am not sure I could keep pushing myself or even those within. And yes, it will for you also.

It feels as though I am floating right now, so exhausted yet afraid to fall asleep for I do not want to dream again. I feel I want to hide or run as the nights seem to go on forever. Shadows dance on the ceiling and then disappear leaving a terror I cannot escape or find the words to explain. But they are there and they mean something. Something inside me trembles and I hear the wee small cries from behind the wall, mixing with my own tears that silently fall.

The surgery is May 22, another back surgery, the second in less than two years. Fear is very high even more so than the last time. But the pain gives me no choice than to have it. I will let you know how it goes.

Please take care TD of you and know that we care. Thank you for your love and encouragement. We send it right back to you. Thank you for caring and for being here. I appreciate it more than you know.

dps

(((DPS))) You are so brave; I admire you. Though I don't know what you have endured, I DO know how strong and resilient you must be to have withstood it. You are often in my thoughts. Try to envision a white, safe, healing light that embraces you, warms you and keeps you secure.

[SoupDragon]

That you can post with all the fear you describe, must be so hard - what strength that part of you has - wishing on a star for you. SD

[Bmee2]

Hello DPS,
So very sorry to learn of the distress you all are under. i wish i could do something...anything to help you feel safer. All i have to offer is a gentle hug and an invisible hand to squeeze. Thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

[such is life...]

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

(((((dps)))) with the current moon phase we are struggling but we just want to keep letting you know we are still here for you,we still see you and we still understand. it stinks that the further inisde we go the more we find out and the more the pain and terror permeate. but just know that somewhere,someplace and sometime IT WILL END!!! we say that as much for ourselves as we do for you because we all need to hear it and eventually believe it. we gave up on trying to keep track of all the anniversaries-they number so high its pointless to even try. were sure you get that! we didnt know you had yet another surgery coming up-may we ask what for this time? you are infinitely much braver than we are because that would set us into a place we dont think we could return from. we admire you for that♥ things starting to get fuzzy foggy so we just leave you with our love and encouragement and always only just a PM away♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I think there is a full moon tonight and I know all about aniverserys we are going through healing/ deprogramming our selves now, I dont know what to say to DPS..because we are going through the same thing...I want to say something, anything to help her but I dont know what to say....I can feel her pain...by the way Hi, you and I share a lot of history., Kim etall

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Calista))))

Thank you hon. I appreciate your words and support. I am not sure where my strength comes to post or to write things out here. I do not feel strong at all but often like a coward hiding in the middle of the night trying to write when it seems words somehow come to life and most of the world is sleeping around us. It feels safest there writing in the silence. And even though the night is full of terror and fear, writing by candle light silently no one knows we are there and it is then that somehow we can bring those words down from within. Maybe because so much took place in the night when the world did not know, it is there where the memories make their way through those within and myself.

I think I disconnect from myself and just write, often not able to read what is written and at times trying not to push delete instead of post. But it feels as though I am reaching down from above when I write, as if I cannot be close to the words. I often feel this even when just writing as if I need to be far away. Writing has always been a way out for us and even though writing was used as a punishment growing up it has been something that we find safest most times and often the only way we can say anything even if no one ever sees it. We learned to stay alert in the night and always somehow keep one eye open always looking and keeping guard.

Maybe our words become alive in the night because that is where they were real and so much was hidden there that, at times it is the only time we can truly write as the light of day seems too open and the world around us too close. I am not sure but I know that when the day begins to end and the darkness shows itself, we often write, maybe writing to get away for it seems so often we are still right there. Maybe writing so someone knows we are here because so often it feels we are living in a dream and we are going to wake up still there living in the nightmare. Somehow hoping that these words stay there in that dream, the dream of a little girl finding safety somewhere----where we are not alone and someone cares and knows.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((SoupDragon))))

Thank you. Like I said, I am not sure where that strength comes from. Maybe it is that fear of ending and no one ever knowing we were there or maybe that hope that someone would know, maybe it is just a little girls dream and that somehow like the message in a bottle put to the water in hopes someone finds it, this is the same. I do know that if we are living in a dream, we don't want to wake up. Often it feels terrifying to even think about it but the thoughts are there. For so long we held everything within, hid everything we wrote, we knew silence meant safety. But silence keeps us locked where they wanted us and it allows their control and power to grow. Maybe it is our last effort to live even if it is only a dream. Sometimes it is hard to connect to being real, maybe that comes from being real makes it all true for us all................

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Bmee2))))

Thank you for what you said. Just you being here means more than you know. Knowing we are not alone means a lot, and it is in knowing that we find courage to keep going. It is sad that we are all on a journey to find ourselves and to let go of the secrets, but we have each other and sometimes it is that understanding and support that gives us strength to take one more step. Thank you for the hug and the hand, for the thoughts and the hope. Sometimes holding onto that hope gets us to another day.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((such is life...))))

Thank you for posting, it means more than you know. Sometimes words are not necessary, we just know. I am sorry you are going through so much too and I am glad you are here. I think sometimes as scary as it is to walk through this, it is even more scary to stand still. In my dreams I am constantly running, constantly looking for a way out. But it seems to surround me and trap me everywhere I turn. Somehow even the people that care about us and are in our life today intertwine in those dreams, making it hard to know who is really safe or if it is a dream at all. But we hold on somehow hoping they are real and are safe the best we can.

At times we still pull away even from those that are safe today, maybe it is in writing we are trying so hard to connect, to just let them know. Sometimes that dream of safety almost fades away----it can feel we are dreaming within a dream----but at times we get a glimpse of hope and that someone really knows. I am not sure I am making sense but I do thank you for being here and reaching out. Sometimes it feels safer than other times and we can grasp moments of truth---sometimes......

dps

[such is life...]

moon trigger for us too

[such is life...]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

((((such is life...))))

Thank you for posting, it means more than you know. Sometimes words are not necessary, we just know. I am sorry you are going through so much too and I am glad you are here. I think sometimes as scary as it is to walk through this, it is even more scary to stand still. In my dreams I am constantly running, constantly looking for a way out. But it seems to surround me and trap me everywhere I turn. Somehow even the people that care about us and are in our life today intertwine in those dreams, making it hard to know who is really safe or if it is a dream at all. But we hold on somehow hoping they are real and are safe the best we can.

At times we still pull away even from those that are safe today, maybe it is in writing we are trying so hard to connect, to just let them know. Sometimes that dream of safety almost fades away----it can feel we are dreaming within a dream----but at times we get a glimpse of hope and that someon-sometimes....e really knows. I am not sure I am making sense but I do thank you for being here and reaching out. Sometimes it feels safer than other times and we can grasp moments of truth--..

dps

DPS.... glad to hear from you...we; especially Moon little ones ....I don't know what to say....I'm having a really hard time...glad I'm here and have all of you for support ...just knowing I'm not alone is really ...something I thought I would never find. ( people with similar history's)...I want to say out load so all in System can hear ...WE ARE NOT ALONE Thanks a lot .Be safe...all of Y'all

[such is life...]

Every thing is okay now. How are you? Colonel

[darkpurplesecrets]

Glad things are okay now for you. As for us, not doing so good. The night was long and terror filled our dreams once again, not only for us but for her too. Even though we cannot reach her right now we can all sense when things are not right. She hears the small cries from the littles but we also can hear her cries in the night. Somehow wish so much we could somehow turn off the dreams and sometimes life itself.

She is not doing well and staying just far enough inside away from the chaos and life itself. Trying hard to be okay for everyone else but inside there lurks a fear and an emptiness that she is trying to hide from the world. Silence can be seen from the outside, silence where words are few and short. She has stepped back almost afraid to be seen so we have to step up to keep going and to get through the day. She does step in and out at times, but is struggling to completely be out today.

Doubt anyone can really sense it because we are good at hiding what we need to and we also know how to keep silent for that was one thing we learned very well. We cannot really reach her but we sense the silence in her and the constant feeling of fear we all share. Sometimes we have to wonder who is really safe or who is trying to set us up. Not that we are accusing anyone of that but it just feels really unsafe right now. Home is not safe so what makes anyplace safe at all?

She fights sleep but it comes at some point, guess that is just part of being human--something we wish to forget. Sometimes we wonder what is the difference between being awake or asleep? Things still happen and we cannot stop it or make it go away. Sometimes we wish we could just go away but is there really anyplace safe at all? When life is not safe and dreams are not safe where does one go?

The sun outside is shining but inside it is black and stormy. We will just keep silent for that somehow feels the safest. We are watching and waiting but we are not sure what we are waiting for it just feels something is lurking and waiting somewhere, we are trying to be prepared but can one ever really be prepared for what waits unknown? We are trying.

cami

[anderson]

( ( darkpurplesecrets ) ) )

We so understand what those within you are trying to say.

those within us are now in a place that we can go to and deal with our RA/SA/MC.

so much has changed for us and we are taken back our life one day at a time.

hoping those within you can find a way to find safety too!

learning to feel safe with those that have hurt us so close to us is so hard.

listening and caring to all those within you!

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

I have not posted out on the forums much for a while now as I have been so afraid that it is not safe. But I wanted to reach out and try. Things are getting worse again and I am finding myself feeling so far away, having trouble talking a lot, or reaching out. It feels I am being flooded and unsure where I am. Always afraid and constantly on alert. I have lost a lot of time through out last week and this week is not starting off any better.

I feel I am risking a lot to post here as my family knows I am here and they read what I post. It makes it hard to reach out or to say much of anything. Once again it feels like I am trying to hide and peak out every once in a while when I feel so alone in it all. Stepping on egg shells afraid of making any noise or being found out. It makes it hard and holding it in the silence is killing me.

Seems all within are on alert right now and having a hard time connecting with anyone within. There are those within that want to stop me and is making it hard to even go to see t at all. I sit and stare off, often finding it hard to get back. Sometimes it feels I am not going to take the next breath and those frames where I disappeared and came back between them are right there, at times as if I am still right there.

It feels the walls are breathing and staining in crimson, and I am not sure they are not going to enclose me within them. At times it feels as though I could slip into them disappearing altogether. I am afraid that I am within a dream somewhere and I am afraid I am going to wake up and be back in that place awaiting my end. Sleep does not come except in spurts and the night mares are screaming at me.

I feel at times like I am being pulled away and that there is a wall between those within and myself. I can hear them but I cannot reach them. It feels unsafe and like I am losing my mind at times. Losing time and ending up someplace I do not know how I got to or why, feeling that drugged feeling once again making it hard to move or lift my head. Some of the littles so terrified I can feel them shaking and hear their small cries through the wall.

Trying to stay in the moment but those moments seem to never come or maybe they are never ending but the moments are anywhere but here in this present time. At times it feels I am trying to say something but nothing comes out, except inside where the silent screams echo through my head where no one can hear me. I feel I want to disappear at times and not be here.

I find myself trying to write all the time but my thoughts do not want to come down as if trying to find them in the fog that is thick and at times nothing makes sense but somehow knowing it is suppose to. Tears seem to fall without warning but yet stop just as fast. I feel I am being pulled almost somewhere within and there is no way out. Fearing everyone even those that in my head I know are safe and care.

I feel so alone even when I am not, and even more afraid to say anything even though somewhere inside I want to. The counting to 30 is strong and that feeling of when I get to 30 I will say something but 30 never seem to come but the clock goes around and around until time seems to be gone. Writing so small as if not to be seen but needing to get it out of my mind where it feels it is spinning. At times I can show it to someone but most is written and kept in silence afraid to let anyone know what is in those little words.

Others within writing at times that I have no idea they have even come out, sometimes posting it sometimes not. And I am too afraid to read what it is they have to say. I feel like I am losing my mind if it ever was there at all. My anxiety seems so high and makes it hard at times to breathe. Wanting to be close and connect yet at times coiling back terrified to even be seen. And all the while those silent screams getting louder and more forceful within.

I do not know what I am trying to say or if this even makes any sense. Just needing to reach out, hoping somehow it is okay, and that someone knows we are here...............................trying to hold onto our purple but it feels it is slipping away too..........................

dps

[Gr3tta]

dps!!! missed you so much!!! sorry to hear you are struggling and sad.
know you are so strong. have faith in you!!!
~Emma