The "gatekeeper"

So apparently therapist thinks I am what he calls "the gatekeeper". Makes sense I suppose. Also makes sense why I don't feel like I connect to many phases of my life. Why I can't remember many people from long ago. Why people who were best friends at one point are strangers now. It's kind of scary I must admit though, is the "host" the "gatekeeper"? Could the host be that? Or is the "host" somewhere else and eventually I will be wiped away in an attempt to be bring the "host" to one?

With this whole "integration" process, would I just vanish, or the alters if I am the host, or would we kind of merge into one person all retaining all of the memories and ideas, instead of being split would we all just kind of mold into one large (spiritually) person or the parts split and only leave the host when it's all said and done?

This is a rather confusing situation we are in. Rather confusing and a bit worrisome to me. I suppose when others call me by my name, it doesn't ring a bell, perhaps I am just another piece to this and the "host" is somewhere in hiding. Can't say I really blame her, there's been much evil following.

Today I believe I have DID, I believe it's here and perhaps I'm just a part, tomorrow who knows. Either way, wondering if we do merge to one at one point, will I be gone completely or will I just be a part of her? To be honest, I feel no connection with the given name, but I have no clue what name I would feel connected to. I think that happens when many are "out". Only one had ever been given or had a name before. This is rather confusing. Thankfully the therapist is willing to take this DID thing slow, not to push. And apparently sometimes he says it is ok to just go down to 2-3 personalities and not have to merge them all. Maybe that is what will happen.

Or maybe I'm just crazy and I don't have DID but I'm schizophrenic or something, but I don't honestly think that that is the case here. It's just really confusing. Any input? Added a trigger icon just in case although I don't think it's needed.

From what I've understood from others here that have integrated, it seems like integration is like two ghosts mushing together to form one more-whole being. Does that makes sense? Nothing is lost from either of them
Sending supportive thoughts your way
Shanna

I was weary about parts being integrated also....The part will ask the tx...will I be " no longer?" but to my great surprise when a part gets integrated we just merge ....it doesn't hurt like we thought it would ...I have had good experience after an integration...we are stronger, we get that parts skills and memories. On a serious note: I too get freaked out when some one calls my name( I have to go by our given cores) name and I want to scream ...

I've had a lot of doubts about DID and schizophrenia, and memories, and voices, and identities. I still don't think I get it. I know I don't get it. I consider myself functional enough for me, and when I'm not, well, I cross that bridge when I come to it and try not to disturb the troll underneath.
It's my opinion, and it's just my opinion, for what it's worth, which may be nothing, that anyone within your will remain within you no matter what. They may change in ways, you may change, or you may change how you view or interact with them, but I don't see how they could ever really be just - gone.