Depersonalisation / derealisation

I think I have both and a bit of dissassociation, but I dont feel like me - whatever me is. I woke up this morning feeling like I wasnt me at all. I typically feel like Im not me, but there usually is a spark at least, of me there, but there wasnt today. I really felt like someone else. People tell me to have positive thoughts and an attitude of gratitude which I do try to maintain, but today showed me that I really felt like I didnt know the person looking back at me. I dont feel connected to my mind, body, soul or spirit and that whoever Ive become is not the real me. The real me was possibly destroyed a long time ago. Ok, Im grateful to be alive and its really weird, and if I said anything then I would be labelled a looney, and I tell myself constantly that I have mental health problems, and this part of it, so put up and shut up. If I think about it and I dont want too, then I start my OCD thinking which isnt good. Im not sure what to think as it feels like any individuality or independent thought is conforming to something that Im not. I said to a friend of mine, that not all that is in the dark is evil but there is evil in the light. I meant that there are people who are considered wicked sinners (she's a christian) that do good things but not by being a goody two shoes, and there are people filled with light who are such hypocrites, that they make the so called sinners like saints. I think my personality is so fragmented that I really dont know what is in my mind. Anyone have any advice.
mala

my first thought on this is to say dont panic everyone mental disordered or not has times like this. you are not weird, or looney.

and I wondered if you meant the word "dissociation" or the term "dissassociation" some locations use these two terms interchangeably.

here in NY USA "dissassociation" means making a conscious choice to not connect or take part in something..example I dissassociated my self from the work BBQ last week because I needed time to my self, which means I chose to not take part in the work BBQ last week, where as "dissociation" is a reaction to stress, trauma and many other things. Example I was under a lot of work related stress last week which resulted in my feeling numb and spacy, not all there.. in either case "grounding" helps. there is a thread in the PTSD forum about grounding and there is a grounding chat in the chat rooms that may help, and also continue to do what ever your treatment providers have taught you about staying grounded and focused...which brought me to my next thought....

my next thought was to go back over your past posts to see if you have had this problem before and if so how you and your treatment providers handled it. I found some posts saying you have BPD, OCD and you feel you fit in with the dependent personality disorder symptoms. those disorders (borderline Personality Disorder, dependent personality disorder and OCD do have identity issues/symptoms/problems, and a therapist that did an assessment on you, told you, you have a personality disorder and you need to be more grounded and focused, my suggestion continue doing what they taught you about grounding and keeping your focus so that you dont end up catatonic/trancelike (your terms I found in past posts)

my third thought on your post is..medications. medications can cause a person to have the same symptoms you are having. my suggestion talk with your treatment providers, the solution to this may be as simple as a change in your meds.

Mala, I don't think what you're talking about is all that strange or different from many people who struggle with dissociation/dispersonalization. The first thing I'd ask is are you seeing or talking to a professional about these feelings? I'm not sure how old you are but I do know that when I was young . . . a LOOOOONG time ago , I used to believe that what I thought or felt was so alien or different from other people my age. It wasn't until I was older, when I talked with many of my peers, that I realized that what I felt was so similiar to what all of them felt. . . I just tended to be more sensitive and reactive to what was going on around me. I FELT it more then they did. . . many of them were able to brush it off or ignore it We are all different in how we handle things and I truly believe that talking to a calm, rational person who might have gone through some of the stuff you're experiencing now is extremely helpful and settling. I hope you're able to find the support and guidance you are seeking. You sound very gentle and sensitive to the world around you!

Thanks for the replies, you're right amandalouise and remarkably clear minded, I think I mean dissociation but I wonder is that my unconscious trying to tell me something. Anyway to clear up any confusion I have a personality disorder. I felt I had an epiphany of sorts today, where I was being pulled into reality which is ok. Im very grateful to people, to God, everything to be here. So to be honest, it feels like Im being woken up from the dead, when Im pulled into this reality, its not a quick process but very drawn out and I never stay in this world. So Im walking about in a hypnosis, a shadow of the person I was. I think my humanity was so fragmented that most of it disintergrated with the personality that was me. That's the truth of the suffering I went through that the heavens (that's a joke) cannot deny. I was very sensitive. Its ok in a way as I appreciate that beauty is nothing to do with human perception, but there is beauty in the solar system, if you want to call it that. As for persoanlity I think I impersonate people that Ive watched on tv, historical people, actresses but not consciously, I think thats how my brain lives. Would I like to be normal, everyone is conformed to stereotype, even when we think we are individual. Im still grateful, but I dont like this world that I live in, and to tell you the truth it doesnt feel like a beautiful place at all but part of the illusion that is real. Im a bit upset as Im tired.
mala