I Don't Know... Anything...

I have at least four other personalities... At least thats what I think... I am rarely able to converse with them... Only when I'm half-conscious... I will go ahead and introduce them... I have Rodya, who has many Borderline Traits and has a very bad anxiety problem... There is Raskolnikov, who is almost emotionless, ambitious and compassionless... Dimitri, is extremely depressed... Locke has the heart of a warrior(not necessarily in a good way), but is extremely spiteful... All of those four personalities like different music and etc... All of them also have intense lvs. of murderous hate... I haven't been to a shrink since I was seven I think. Anyways, this is hard to write, because I find it increasingly hard to remember some stuff... umm... basically, I have had these extremely strong feelings of unreality... I sometimes forget that I exist, and will be convinced that I don't exist... Sometimes these feelings bring me to self-harm or suicidal thoughts or actions... I zone out a lot... and I haven't found a grounding method that works... Also, I can't seem to hold on to my memories, in most of my memories, I see myself in the distance, in third person... There is only really one memory that isn't like that... my worst memory... Anyways, I feel like I'm fading... I can't begin to describe the despair I feel... My emotions, my personality, my beliefs, and everything just seems to be constantly shifting beneath me... I'm extremely confused... confused doesn't even begin to understand it... I don't feel like I'm here... I don't remember anything anymore... I don't understand anything anymore... I'm lost... And please don't say anything about doctors, meds, and/or shrinks... or the police for that matter... I have a terrible phobia of them... I feel alone... Only one friend is left... Not sure if I can even call that person a friend though...

All I know to say to you right now is that you are not alone. I do not want to say anything about things that are phobias for you. But you will have to face the phobias to get the help you need.

I know about the feeling you describe. I've been there. Most Dissociative Disorder folks have had those experiences.

I have learned to reach out to my alters and validate them for the job they do for me - after all- they came into being to help me. I comfort them, and reassure them. I ask them for assistance when things are too hard for me.

I found out that I have a helper on the inside that I did not know about. Perhaps you could look within and ask for help and see what happens.

I'm thinking of you, and sending you some happy energy. Peace to you.

Welcome! Thanks for sharing. I hope this day will find you feeling better.