[kazine]

TW: sex, rape and self harm.

Sophie was one of the first alters I ever discovered. Before I was aware of my alters, I used to be everywhere. Sometimes I'd be completely obsessed with sex and I loved violent and submissive sex. The day I found out I had alters, that all stopped, and would only happen when Sophie switched out, so I sort of figured that it had always been Sophie and that I had just been switching without realising. Ever since then, I couldn't have sex, it triggered me too much. I couldn't even try to have sexual activity because I was too scared. Until about two months ago. I managed to have sex once. Then about a month ago, I started being able to have sex more and more. Then, I noticed more of her in me...

I could be lying in bed with my partner, and suddenly I'll think "I wish he would just grab me and rape me". This is unusual for me and not unusual for Sophie. She likes these kind of things. Even though I'm coconscious and fully aware of pretty much everything Sophie does, it used to be like there was a barrier between the two of us. Which meant that even when my partner raped Sophie and she was in a lot of distress (she asks him to do these things, it's like a compulsion for her. He wouldn't do it if she didn't want it), I could switch back out and be perfectly fine. But now it feels like the barrier is coming down.

A lot of the things she feels, desire to be hurt, raped, or wanting to sleep around, I am starting to feel these things. And since I've never felt these things, I'm starting to get quite scared. I don't want to be raped, not like she does, but I'm starting to get the urges to do these things.

Does it sound like she's integrating? I really don't want her to. I much preferred when there was that wall between us but I feel like the wall is coming down. The worst thing yet, is that since November I assumed I was on the waiting list for psychotherapy. I was starting to hope that I was nearly at the top of the list, but when I just rang to check, I was told that I was never on the waiting list to start with. So now it might be up to a year or even longer before I get help. I feel so hopeless right now that I've told my partner to stay home, whereas he would usually be over here. I just feel like being alone, and even feel like cutting for the first time in a while. :/

Kaz x

[MinnieMargot]

Sounds like you need to ask her what's going on.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by kazine

TW: sex, rape and self harm.

Sophie was one of the first alters I ever discovered. Before I was aware of my alters, I used to be everywhere. Sometimes I'd be completely obsessed with sex and I loved violent and submissive sex. The day I found out I had alters, that all stopped, and would only happen when Sophie switched out, so I sort of figured that it had always been Sophie and that I had just been switching without realising. Ever since then, I couldn't have sex, it triggered me too much. I couldn't even try to have sexual activity because I was too scared. Until about two months ago. I managed to have sex once. Then about a month ago, I started being able to have sex more and more. Then, I noticed more of her in me...

I could be lying in bed with my partner, and suddenly I'll think "I wish he would just grab me and rape me". This is unusual for me and not unusual for Sophie. She likes these kind of things. Even though I'm coconscious and fully aware of pretty much everything Sophie does, it used to be like there was a barrier between the two of us. Which meant that even when my partner raped Sophie and she was in a lot of distress (she asks him to do these things, it's like a compulsion for her. He wouldn't do it if she didn't want it), I could switch back out and be perfectly fine. But now it feels like the barrier is coming down.

A lot of the things she feels, desire to be hurt, raped, or wanting to sleep around, I am starting to feel these things. And since I've never felt these things, I'm starting to get quite scared. I don't want to be raped, not like she does, but I'm starting to get the urges to do these things.

Does it sound like she's integrating? I really don't want her to. I much preferred when there was that wall between us but I feel like the wall is coming down. The worst thing yet, is that since November I assumed I was on the waiting list for psychotherapy. I was starting to hope that I was nearly at the top of the list, but when I just rang to check, I was told that I was never on the waiting list to start with. So now it might be up to a year or even longer before I get help. I feel so hopeless right now that I've told my partner to stay home, whereas he would usually be over here. I just feel like being alone, and even feel like cutting for the first time in a while. :/

Kaz x

for some people yes this is what integration is like. for others no. there's no right or wrong way in which integration happens. everyone has their own internal system of alters so their integration process isnt going to be 100 percent the same as someone else that integrated..

that said yes this is what integration was like for me...everything that was the alters became part of me, including their positive qualities, preferences,.... as well as their negative and everything in between.\

we cant tell you whether this is integration for you, only your treatment providers can tell you whether sophie is integrating with you. therefore my suggestion is if you can discuss this with a treatment provider ie your therapist, psychiatrist or medical doctor. they can help you figure out whats going on with this new twist of things.

[crystal lady]

I find that when my alter's are behind the scene influencing me that they are often more of a problem for me than when we are actually co-conscious. I don't know if that makes any sense. It 's like they are using a more subtle means of communication. And I'm not as aware and ready for things. To me it's like coming in through the back door when they influence.

I'd have a serious official conference with her and the rest of your alters. Set some boundaries. Ask the other's for their assistance. Let her know what you find acceptable, and what is not. Remember that you are the captain of the ship, not her. Remember to thank her for the service that she rendered in times of abuse, but remind her that those behaviors are not necessary with your partner now that you are safe. Find out what's got her bothered and validate her, comfort her, but let her know that harming you in any way is not tolerated.

Crystal