[LouR]

Well I'm writing this with the nausea and chest pain I get after I've had a big day.
Yesterday I was the perfect mother. Nothing was an issue. I cleaned the house with such voracity unseen in the last 2 years, I dusted, vacumned and mopped, moved the girls furniture around in their bedroom, started the washing and I went and saw a lady to care for the twins for 2 days a week through family day care. Made dinner and then went to the gym.
Today I woke up to my mother staring at me from the hallway and when she saw I was awake stated she was going to work. I got out of bed a bit wierdded out, the twins were in the loungeroom in their high chairs having their brekky. I made some brekky and mother dearest stated that she could go to lifeline when the twins are at daycare. I thought hold up I'm not putting them in care to make YOUR life easy. I'm putting them in so they can be around positive role models and other children and not have to be screwed over by YOU. No I didn't say it I thought it, then I walk into the loungeroom and Igrayne has covered the loungeroom floor with juice.
I saw red and I cleaned it
I popped the kids in the backyard to explore and for fresh air while I was doing the washing got onto social services via the net and tried to find out whether I can claim child care rebate for daycare to no avail because we earn to much
Called the hubby and discussed money issues inorder to organise monies for daycare and ask about whether he has started putting funds into our joint account and stumble across a bill of his which is overdue because he leaves it up to me to deal with no communication apparently I told him I wanted complete control of the finances and I don;t remember that.
Paid a partial payment to the bill and then I realized I needed to call our bank to organise telephone banking and get told that I can still use my old id and password from my original accnt for the new account which doesn't make sense which confused me so I said don't change a thing
Then I tried to get my name on the new card that they sent for the 2nd time with my name spelt wrong and he said that it would be cancelled new card sent however I then would need to wait 5 days for a new pin. So in the long run I can't use the account therefore I won;t put money into it unless i can access the money easily enough. Massive IMPASSE!
I rang up the husband and just lost it I said some cracked things and I can't remember it all. All I know is I saw my daughter asleep on a chair and was popping her into bed when my husband came home in tears saying that he loved me and that he would do anything for me and he wanted no one esle but me
So I'm thinking what the hell happened.
After he left and the conversation we had I smoked 30 cigarettes in 3 hours and kept hearing johnny cash in my head singing "I hurt myself today to see if I could bleed"
So basically I'm depressed and anxious and feel like I'm having an inferior heart attack.
I'm worried that I'm going to ruin everything

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

(((lou))) just hang in there. Your husband knows about your diagnosis right? You wont ruin it with him and explaining to the children (although not necessarily in detail) that you're sick so when you make a mistake they will understand. Perhaps give them a code word they can use when you're not acting yourself and have a plan of action or something to help you calm down or walk away.

As far as finances, maybe tell your fiance to take full control so you don't pay twice or miss payments or anything like that. Not all of us (as I'm not) are blessed with a good bill paying part. If anything I'm the opposite and no one else wants to do the job.

Things will get easier, I know it's hard but it will get better. Take care of yourself

[LouR]

Hi Purple flying monkeys
Yes my husband knows about my diagnosis. I feel though that when I get like that one day is just going to walk away how many outbursts like that is he going to have handle?
The guilt just kills me sometimes and makes me so low...
He said he will help to order the finances rather than leave it all up to me from now on. Which is good because I get into a mode to save money and then bam I've blown money on something else and can't remember what it is on and where the object is. I hate that.
Thank you I've got to stop beating myself up I think

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

You do lou, we are humans. DID or no DID we ALL make mistakes.

You mentioned saving then blowing money... I've got that exact problem...

I got $4,500 back on my income taxes this year. I had everything mapped out, exactly how much I would allow for what, pay some school and tickets paid off, catching up on the light bill a month of rent in case of emergency and paying my daughters ballet through the season.

Well 3 weeks later I go to pull money out for ballet and there's only $200 left. I spent a total of about $1,100 but somehow only had $200 left out of $4,500. I tried and tried and tried to remember where all the money went, I was SO careful planning all of the money. But it just seemed no where to be found. Checked the bank and you know how some banks are, they don't give full store names and lots of things, so I couldn't understand but sure enough the money had all been spent. The only thing I took care of were the lights and what I could for her ballet. No school, no rent no tickets paid.

It happens, we're not perfect, no one is, and unfortunately that goes for our parts too.

Be more gentle with yourself, you're allowed to make mistakes.

Oh and I'm reading a great book, it kind of reminds me of you every now and then. No offense please, it's just the way she talks reminds me of you every once in a while. Let me know if you want the name of the book, it's about DID, so far the best one I've read. It's not necessarily the DID that's a reminder, it's just your way of talking and her way of talking. It's been extremely helpful already and I just started reading it last night

[LouR]

Purple
Thank you so much.
You got me curious which book is that?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

It's called "Silencing the Voices" by Jean Darby Cline. And again, her personality not as much, just both of your speech marrirism or something, it just reminds me of you on occassion. It's been a great book so far