[kimmydawn]

I know that things were "hidden" and put away from me for years. It's something that t and I dealt with.

I've come so far in healing and am ending therapy in one month and continue to get blasted sometimes in my world. I guess that the years of unawareness will possibly always have the ability to bite?

My daughter was cleaning out her closet (it used to be my room), and up on the top shelf way back to the back was an envelope which contact information from an attorney. This gets much more detailed. This attorney used to be my boss and it was a very different situation.

Anyhow, she brings it out and hands it to me with questioning eyes. My hubby saw her reaction so was watching while I opened the envelope.

At one point, I'd seen an atty (THE atty-the ex-boss who was then a judge) regarding divorce and had also had a police report run for an apt. bldg. in another area eight years ago. I couldn't explain. It hurts. My husband was hurt.

Also, though, it shows me how different my life is today and has been for several years now, and just improving.

I still have no memory of some things...this is one. I have so much now that I didn't have. I guess that which I don't have now, I'll never have. T agrees that might be possible.

It was just such an "in my face" thing at the point I'm at right now. I will probably always have reminders in some way of a fragmented, separated life.

It kinda is making me somewhat hypervigilent again and wanting to go through the entire house for anymore surprises. However, I'm not. I've accepted what/who I was and who I am now. In doing that, I have to accept that what/who I was is part of who I am today...

Still bites sometimes...It's still so frustrating and confusing sometimes. I mean it was eight years ago. Why can't I just go ahead and have the information so that I can at least give myself and my husband some explanation? Just ugh...

I guess I "own" my life today, but may never fully own my past?

KD

[Fuzzybear]

take care
Fuzzy

[kimmydawn]

thank you ((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))

kd

(((((((((((((((KimmyDawn)))))))))))))))

When I used to ask things like "when will I be done with this mess?" I was told that eventually I will have full and total recall of my life.

The memorys got stored separated into my unconscious. The neurons in my brain that contain those memory impulses didn't get physically damaged like someone getting physically hit in the head in a major car crash type situation.

It may seem like the same type of amnesia but with DID the memorys do return. I just can't predict the when. But the bottom line is that they do come back.

Which is why that professional believes I will be in therapy for years. In most DID clients it usually takes a minimum of 10 years of therapy (without the client leaving therapy for breaks for whatever reason.).

I may have learned how to speed up the process of therapy for DID by doing all aspects of the therapy for DID (memory recall, sensory stimulation, locating and taking care of triggers and so on) at the same time so I am accomplishing things a bit faster.

But the ultimate "when will I be done?" depends on how many pieces of memories my brain separated and stored at the unconscious level.

The least amount of separated memory pieces this professional had worked with in one DID client was 15 and the most was close to 200.

He told me that instead of looking at the number of how many we are finding and taking care of the triggers to but to instead automatically consider that I may very well be one of the worst case scenerio people that have close to 200.

That way the number of separated memories that we are finding does not overwhelm me and neither does it when the "out of the blue" memorys come or the "out of the blue" reminders that there is still more that I don't know yet comes along.

Someday those out of the blue situations will no longer happen to me because I will have full, total recall of my whole life. But that could be tomorrow or 20- infinity number of years from now.

This is why I never say any more that I am "done and cured and don't need therapy anymore" I may reach a point where my therapist and I think I will be fine without being in therapy but that does not mean I will never need therapy help in the future which is one of the reasons why SKR when she first found out that she was laid off due to government cut backs wanted me to choose a new therapist - even though my therapy program was now totally self monitoring and self accomplishing some things could come up in the future that I could not work on on my own and she did not want me to be left hanging on waiting lists and so on.

By choosing a new therapist I now have that therapy connection already established so that when I get hit with things out of the blue or something happened I can not handle instead of making lots of calls and being put on 6 month - 3 year waiting lists All I have to do is make one call to set up an appointment. and go to it.

Even though I did not want to choose another therapist 2 years ago I am glad that I now that I have LL just a phone call away if I need her.

For the past two years most of our appointments together were just the chit chat touching base of hi, how are you? fine kind of things.

I have had a 2 year break from doing the harder work while LL was catching up on what my self made therapy program is and the things that SKR and I were doing together and just "touching base".

Now I am at a point where its time to do some more work on the things that SKR and I were doing together. My sessions are becoming more involed as for content of what my therapist and I are doing together, and the sessions are going to get longer and or more so that with LL's help I can get back into the actual memory recall work.

Establishing a new therapist doesnt mean I was too sick to be without a therapist it just means I wanted that safety net to be already established - just in case.

Suggestion - there is still time for you and your therapist to establish that safety net just in case one of these "out of the blue" situations turns out to be a bit overwhelming, mind boggling and so on.

Another suggestion - even if you decide right now not to establish that safety net please keep in mind that in the future you can enter therapy again if needed. It doesn't mean you are crazy, and you should have been able to prevent the back sliding if it comes down to having to go back into therapy. It is just the process of what therapy for DID is. Without the coming and going DID's are in therapy usually for a minimum of 10 years. It just takes longer with breaks, and many more therapists to get the job done to reach full and total memory recall.

Hang in there. Im here for you and you can pm me here or send an email to the posted email address - which also has instant messenger with it.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((((kimmydawn))))))))))))))

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((kimmydawn)))))))))))))))

(((KimmyDawn)))
w_i

[LILITH]

{{{{{KD}}}}}

I had the same type of memories when I was packing to move at Christmas... I could not remeber half of the stuff I found.... I was a living nightmare..... May you find some peace.....

[stormgirl]

Hey Kimmy Dawn.........it sure can be difficult when that kind of thing happens, but it sounds like you have put alot of time into T and its paid off. There may always be things that come up, but its all about how you choose to deal with it. I have been in T since '94 and am currently onto my 4th T - wow sounds a bit dodgy when I say that, but I've usually done a few years to a year with each and when the time has been right I have ventured away. When the time is right again to pick up some more work, I just resume. Each T has offered me something different and have worked in completely different styles, but have gained something from each of them.

I usually just tell myself that 'its ok' when I discover something that I previously had no awareness of.........there is something to be said for self nuturing and reinforcing to selves that its ok.
Take care

[hillbunnyb]

bits and pieces of the picture that was us. . . it's just a reality check. "Whew, I done picked up and made choices and moved on...." You are one heck of a hard worker, it shows.

[jabe]

(((((((((((((kd)))))))))))))))))

I figure that there may always be some stuff that won't be remembered, and I got to a place where we can accept that. I think there will always be suprises, some not good, some ok, and maybe even some that make us go wow... who knows . But, things get forgot for a reason, and things come back for reasons too. I haven't figured out all those reasons yet lol, maybe one day I will, and maybe one day I won't too. I guess thats ok too

Take good care of you.

[mlyn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) sooooo understand! hope all who is important to you stay by your side through it all no matter what.
One thing that helps me through even when it is hard to swollow at times is that, Jesus loves me/you no matter what.
Ooops! nope that's not religion so I think it is ok to say that isn't it? guess if crossing boundary it'll be taken off.
mlyn