[kimmydawn]

I realize that I've talked to "healing" all over the boards. I also realize that I've been vague in where I'm at in my healing. There's a reason for that. I had to get comfortable with myself, as well as be a bit self-protective of what I've gained. I appreciate all of your understanding with that.

I do think, though, that now it's time to share a bit of my experience as we always have here. It helps so much.

Please keep in mind that I will use my own words and phrases to explain my own experience. They're my words because I did not find the terminology available to represent myself as I didn't feel it an appropriate fit for my experience.

Back to the subject Will I always be DID? Yes, I think so and so does t. My mind was literally formed as I grew to dissociate in order to survive. I don't think I can now change that "preset". It's become part of the physiology of my brain. I was shown that I can still completely check (dissociate) when daughter was hospitalized and put in the ICU, and I feared for her life. I don't remember the drive to the hospital and during that time was able to completely quit crying so as not to upset daughter. Also, at another point when her father was there (an abusive relationship) I almost passed out, but didn't because I "checked". I still don't have the memories of those two events and my body continued to function, so some part of me that I'm not even aware of somewhere holds that...a new part? Well, I just don't know. I know NOTHING of it. T pointed out to me, that even though I checked for the first time in a LONG time, it took something HUGE for that to happen and I quickly came back to the "firm foundation" I've acquired. I'm glad to know that as true.

Prior to that I'd wondered once again..."who am I?". I really did. It was a hard and confusing time for me...scary a bit as well. I'll back up to explain now...

In the last two years, t and I had been doing ALOT of trauma work...repetitive, painful, exhausting work. Through the repetition, I was able to gain new awareness and place them with the "limited parts" of the mind. I had no clue that during all that time that a re-arranging, understanding, blending was happening.

More memories came and the same occurred...time and time and time again. I thought it would never end. I appeared to have no progress. Whew, was I wrong! All of the sudden awarenesses left and right were being realized. It felt as if my mind was literally expanding. It physically hurt at times. I could almost "see" the connections being made from part to part of this mind whereas before there were little to no connections and thoughts and awarenesses remained limited to that part.

There's just so much. T and I couldn't reach the emotional parts of this mind, so we had to get "crafty". We'd learned that the brain literally changes physiologically with trauma...especially childhood trauma, and especially prolonged, repetitive childhood trauma. We learned there was a way to reach that emotion where we could't find a connection...through triggering. I literally had to use known "triggers" to trigger myself? Yes, and I did. That was the beginning to massive, almost spontaneous awareness then healing. It was all happening so quickly!

As a result, today I rarely trigger, rarely check, and have an understanding that's workable. Even though, I know I'll always be a "special kinda me". Nothing that happened was a "choice" of mine because I literally couldn't comprehend what it was that I needed. What happened in my healing appeared to be as natural and beyond my control as checking at the hospital.

I feel comfortable and have some peace...something I'd never experienced. I will never be the same, but will never change. I see the blessing in what a desperate, tortured child created for survival, and know it as a gift...a gift I want to nurture and respect.

Yes, I'll always be DID. However, I'm grateful because a mind can't, and shouldn't have to, hold everything this body went through all at one time, in one place. I do, however, have access to everything that's here, I believe, and am able to draw on these parts whenever necessary or appropriate.

This is where I am today. So, in wondering "who/what am I today?", I live with DID that's experienced massive healing...t likens it to addiction recovery in that I will always be working to maintain the level of "sobriety" awareness I've found...knowing that I'll "slip" from time to time (in extreme circumstances) and pick myself back up to start anew as dissociation was used as an escape and it's so instinctual to happen here...instinctual and without thought or choice. I'm ok with that! I've learned to trust that what happened here was to protect and save.

**Please note that I do not refer to integration or loss. Nothing was "lost" or "went away" here."**

What do you think?

KD

[lenjan]

I think



And I think you have a tremendous understanding of where you've been, and how to work with it to get to where you're going. What more can you ask?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{KD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You're an inspiration.

Love, Candy

[allthegirls6]

Its a huge post and hard to answer it all. My T has never pushed for integration. In fact she has told me that it may well be impossible, she has said that it may well be that we will always live together, but in a more co-oprative way. Ive discovered just about evry traumatic memory and i am aware of what happened. But the others inside me are still there, they still get hurt and triggered when i least expect it. And like you i rarely switch, when it used to be a way of life not too many years ago.

It really takes quite a drama to get to switching now and I sorta feel its became a learned response, one that may well be with me for the rest of my life. The trick is knowing that and accepting it.

I am also managing to draw on the parts I need, when I need them. Some parts of me have wonderful qualities and I never want to lose them

[kimmydawn]

Thanks for sharing! It seems we're close to the same place, but you have much more experience at maintaining.

Thank you again. I'm happy to stay where I'm at as well.

KD

--added later...t here never pushed for integration either. I couldn't conceive the meaning of that word. I couldn't comprehend it. I still, if I understand its meaning, can't apply it to my experience. my t and your t sound alot alike in their thinking there.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((candy))))))))))))))))))

I do feel very blessed at this point in my life.

Thank you so much.

KD

(((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))) That is a fantastic way to explain the healing process. I too know I will slip into dissociating from time to time and sometimes unexpectedly but I also have so much more control now then I had 5 years ago. Some of my triggers of 5 years ago no longer send me floating, and I have more awareness of what happened to me and more awareness in my present life too.

(((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))) your post is a fantastic way to explain the healing process. and thank you for putting yourself and your experiences out here for all to see

[kimmydawn]

((((((((myself))))))))))

thank you for your kind words.

in the healing that i've had, i realize that it will be an onging process, as many things are, for the rest of my life. the new thing for me? i'm ok with that.

Yea coming to understanding that DID wasnt a part time thing I could just get over was a new thing for me too. In some weird way having my child end up in foster care woke me up to the fact that I had to give up on the short term bandaids and learn how to take care of it forever for there is no cure for dissociating. Dissociating is there forever and I will always forever know how to dissociate. Since it is ongoing and not curable I had to learn things that would work for it not just today but things that would work even years down the road. And like you I am ok with that.

[LILITH]

KD, I am so happy for all of your work you and T have done.... I think that you have come along way. Contiune along your path/journey...
" A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step"
Peace to You!

[January]

I know who you are... You are my sweet, dear friend. You're just perfect to me.

Hugs,

Jan

[bipolar_bear]

I read your post and look forward to the day when I too can say where I have been and where I am going. My t does not push for integration either but a cooperative living amongst everyone. I am so early in the journey that it is encouraging to hear how you have grown throughout this process. Thanks for sharing that as everyone needs some hope sometimes.

[kimmydawn]

Thank you so much everyone. I've always been pretty forthcoming and have been feeling bad that I've been vague in my disclosure about what's going on...but announcing as well. When I realized that I felt bad.

I came here to share and relate as well as to find support. It's been an amazing ride and will continue to be

KD

[Evangelista]

(((((KD))))) Thank you for sharing your Healing Journey..you.as well as many others here..offer insight, inspiration, and courage to ohers..many Kudos to you Kimmy...

[pegasus]

Thank you for your post.

(((((((((((((((( kimmydawn )))))))))))))))))

Healing appears to be - working in partnership.

Together we can be strong!

[mlyn]

[4510]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I don't remember the drive

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This happens to me.

And my kids tell me I say things I don't remember saying.

And I'm already a diagnosed PD, and I don't need this too.

And right now I can't type anymore because my hands won't steady.

[Rhapsody]

IMHO - I do not think it is so much will I always be DID.... but rather will my DID lessen?


LoVe,
Rhapsody -