[OneAndMany]

I have suspected for a long time that one or both of my parents s*x*ally ab*s*d me. Just a gut feeling. That didn't make much sense for a long time since I have a good, friendly relationship with them even now.

I have been working towards figuring out who abused me because I have been unable to be sexual in any way for months and months now. And this is a problem for me and my extremely patient husband!

So, I found out from one of my alters that I needed to have a plan as to what I would do when I found out for sure (to make sure that I could keep everyone inside safe). I did that, even coming up with a confrontation plan that I would use if I had to. So, the very next morning after making the plan, I met "Marlene" for the first time and she told me it was my father. It wasn't a surprise since I had already put together a list of my triggers and it strongly suggested a male who had access to my bedroom. She didn't give me any details, which I appreciate. All this happened yesterday.

The problem is this--I feel absolutely nothing. I am numb. It is a different feeling from being depressed. When I'm with my 2 yo dd, I am able to have fun and feel happy and take care of her. When she is asleep or playing with my husband, I go back to feeling numb. Last night when everyone was asleep except me, I felt numb. I can't even feel sad for the little girl who had this happen to her. What is wrong with me? Am I some kind of a monster that I don't even feel sad for someone who was abused repeatedly by her father?

All the voices inside have been very quiet for the most part. One of my older alters who is kind and takes care of me and the littles told me last night that everyone is staying quiet to help me and she is taking care of everyone in the safe room. While that makes me feel better, I feel so alone because no one is talking to me (inside).

Elizabeth

[January]

((((((((( Elizabeth )))))))))))

I am so sorry you are hurting. Maybe you can tell the alter that you are lonely and need to talk with the others.

Hugs,

Jan

[OneAndMany]

Thank you, Jan. I feels so good just to know someone is here.

I never thought to tell her (the alter) that I miss everyone.

Elizabeth

[January]

(((((((((( Elizabeth )))))))))))

You can do it!

Hugs,

Jan

if all of us can do it, you can too!

[OneAndMany]

Thank you Jan and Rainbowzz! It is good to have a cheering section during a rough patch from those who have been there already and survived.



Elizabeth and everyone

[hillbunnyb]

i think numb is normal while integrating or waiting for integration. you are doing very hard work very well. finding and putting the peices together is hard, scarey, sometimes disgusting, but, when things really start to make sense, whew, those are the moments i live for. the whole f'n picture, whatever it is. once i know the truth, i can figure out how to move on. you are doing great.

[OneAndMany]

Oh my gosh! There is something about me that is NORMAL?!?!?!? Alert the media!

The numb is still here and I'm thankful for it. I am also starting to feel a sense of relief. I am beginning to understand why - why I chose my first husband, why I love my now husband but run from intimacy, why I hated my mother for so many years (she didn't protect me), why, why, why. And it feels good to know these things.

Thanks, hillbunnyb.

Elizabeth

[hillbunnyb]

oh geez, the non-protective mother........ can we talk?????!!!!! that could be it's own thread. i just had the gift of she and my sister coming to visit. i saw how she doesn't see/didn't see/couldn't see what was going on. it's like my father's behavior was so far from anythig she ever exected in her life .... she just could not see it happening....

[shannonstar]

Wow, I am new here and reading this topic, I can relate. I'm still trying to accept the DID (after 13 years!), but talking to them inside and having someone make sure they are safe is a very soothing thing. You've given me some good ideas. Thanks.

[LILITH]

I am sorry you are hurting...... try having a community meeting....