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#1
Feb 11, 2013, 02:11 PM
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Okay I usually don't go online to ask questions but I need some help. I am here mostly for my fiancee and some what myself.
Alright here I go. My fiancee has Dissociative Idenetity disorder and I found out about it about two years ago. It was a total surprise to me when it happened but I've had one other experience with this before and I recognized it right away, it also helped to ask his mom about it, and she clearified it for me. I wasn't mad or anything it was actually a pleasant surprise. For me not for him, he was actually freaked out by it which is understandable cause he thought I was going to leave him but I didn't. Sorry I thought some history was required. Two years later I finally know some alters and they're nice to me but I'm not sure how to react to one who said that he loved me. Course I love them but not in a romantic way more of you guys are the best friends I could ever have way. I kind of figured out what this one alters purpose is which is to protect my fiancee and keep him alive, healthy, and emotionally happy at any cost. Well most of the time anyway. Would it be okay for me to try to explain to this alter that I love him in a nonromantic way or would it be okay to love him cause he is a part of my fiancee? I'm so confused about this. Also too could I please have some tips for my fiancee, he's trying to journal in order to communicate with his alters but he doesn't know where or how to start. I love my fiancee so much 
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 yellowted
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#2
Feb 11, 2013, 06:34 PM
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although i have a dissociative disorder i don't have alters, so don't know the answers you seek, but i am sure others here will know how best to help you and your husband x take care x
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 mshightopp
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#3
Feb 13, 2013, 02:34 AM
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It might help to have a different perspective on it: the alters are not in actuality separate people. They are ONE person. They are dissociated aspects of one human being. What they aren't is different people. Loving an alter is not like 'cheating' on your fiancee. It is loving an aspect of him.
If you are gonna to marry this guy you are gonna to have to love the host an' all, 'cause they are a package deal, hunny bun. |
| mshightopp
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#4
Feb 13, 2013, 12:39 PM
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they have their own way of being just like a normal whole person does they have their own emotions and feelings just like a normal whole person does they have their own clothing just like a normal whole person does their own toys just like a normal whole person does their own jobs out in the job market and with in the home just like a normal whole person does their own everything that makes up a whole person who they are.... a personality with DID is the combination of characteristics/qualities of a person... because of this people with DID and the alters with in the host believe, act and think separately just like you and your best friend down the street think and act differently. because of this people with DID, the alters and those that love the person and alters usually do consider their self and their alters/ their spouses / significant others and their hosts to be separate people. and where romance and sex is concerned it is usually best to take into consideration things like treating the alters and host differently and considering the host and alters feelings when on the subject of romance and sex.... example what if during a romantic moment an alter who does not like hugs, kisses and other intimacy pops out...does the significant other think ....ok they are just one person so what works for the significant other will be ok for this alter too and keep on going with the intimacy actions? no because that will traumatize both the alter and the host... how....because it can still be considered sexual abuse even if its an alter. and vice versa what happens if an alter who is in love with a significant other, and the significant other does not feel that love and desire for the alter, but the alter continues to force their love and possibly more on the significant other.....here in New York no is no its still sexual abuse.... which is why when I had this problem with another person I was in a relationship with who was in love with me and not my alters my treatment provider, that person i was in a relationship with and I had to have couples therapy so that my girlfriend of that time could learn how to deal with such situations. people with DID usually do have situations where the alters will have their own romantic interests that may be the same as the host or different than the host but here new york law is very clear about what is acceptable and what isnt when it comes to one in the relationship doesnt want to be in a romantic relationship and another in the situation does. the law doesnt make any distinction between alters and hosts but let me tell you if one of my girl friends was sexually abused by one of my alters because my alter was in love and my girlfriend was not in love with my alter, me and all my alters would have been sitting in jail doing time. to the original poster..I am so glad you posted and are focusing on whats best for you, your significant others feelings and the alters too... my advice talk with your guy, find out how he would like to handle the situation...sometimes all it takes is you explaining the situation to the host and the alters may be able to understand/be listening/ or the host can sometimes talk inside with their alters to explain the situation so that the alter will understand.. if this isnt possible my other suggestion is going to couples therapy or asking your host if you can join in on a few of his therapy sessions so that this can get worked out in a way thats best for all. another suggestion is something my girlfriends of the past would do...when ever the alters came out that they were not comfortable with being close to, having a relationship with they would do the same thing they would if it was a normal person that was giving them unwanted advances... they would find reasons to put physical distance between me and them...by going for a walk, going to the store, go do the house work, go take a bath by their self...this gives the situation time to cool down... another suggestion with DID switching into alters is what we call here trigger related...what that means is the alters are there to handle what ever the host can not... that means something is going on that the host your guy, that is not comfortable with and he cant handle so the switch into an alter that can....Im taking a guess here since this alter holds romantic interest in you, that the job, purpose, reason for being of this alter is love/romance and possibly sex...when this happened with me the key was slowing down the relationship...take more time for things that dont cause this guy to switch into this alter..there will be plenty of time for the heavier romantic stuff later on down the road as your guy gets more comfortable and able to engage in romantic/sexual stuff with out switching. it is possible to find what is causing your guy to feel like he cant handle what ever is going on and the switch in happening. just talk to him. and pay attention to when this alter comes out. |
| mshightopp
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#5
Feb 14, 2013, 04:11 AM
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I totally believe that your alters *believed* they were completely separate people. I get that that was their perception of reality. That was my alters perception of reality as well. But that perception and belief is NOT reality. It is merely a perception and belief. Alters are NOT completely separate people, as you stated above. Alters are dissociated states of one individual human being who perceive themselves to be a wholly separate identity. DID is a disorder of *identity*, it is not a state of multiple people existing in one body. I know you disagree completely with the scientific literature on this, but I can assure you with absolute certainty that where you live and work in NY, USA, there are people who not only agree with the current scientific literature but are *writing* it. |
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#6
Feb 14, 2013, 10:46 AM
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Mshightopp,
Welcome!! I applaud you for your efforts to support your SO. My SO is also DID, and a few different ideas come to mind. When I "married" my Q I made them all agree to marriage, that being said...I do not have any sort of sexual relationship with the littles (revictimizing) however, I love all my Q's alters and most of the adults have a sexual relationship with me if they desire. When our relationship was new, we discussed the sexual aspects of having more than one sexual relationship, if you will, and decided as long as things were consentual it was ok. One alter was very interested in persuing a sexual relationship with me, but he was only 16 (HE TRIED TO TRICK ME THAT HE WAS ANOTHER ALTER SEVERAL TIMES). I politely informed him that it wasn't proper for me to have a sexual relationship with a 16 year old, he quickly grew up...lol. Each of our relationships develops as an individual relationship, we start out as friends and things develop naturally from there. With the littles I have more of a mothering/friendship role. You said the alter who is coming up is a protector, one of Q's protectors will defend if there is a percieved threat...it goes like this. Eliot and I are arguing about something...suddenly there is Shell...in my face yelling....Shell percieved I was a threat so he came to defend eliot. As far as the second part of your question about journaling, provide a notebook, pen/pencil, maybe write in the fron what the purpose of the journal is. like "This book can be used by all of us to communicate with each other." We had starwars word magnets on our fridge and a new alter used the magnets to write things before he was comfortable being around. Hope this helps, Its_just_me |
| mshightopp
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#7
Feb 18, 2013, 05:26 PM
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But you did give me the confidence to tell him about this alters feelings, just hope he doesn't go balistic, they tend to butt heads. Thank you. |
| amandalouise
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#8
Feb 18, 2013, 05:34 PM
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Thank you so much. I've been worried about this but now I'm calmed down. This alter is so nice to me, at least now. He was a little rough around the edges with me and loved to scare me by popping out at random times which now that I think about it, it was pretty funny. He has only one little and that little is so freaking cute! The first time I met him he made me bake cookies at like eleven at night, he caught me off guard with a bear huge lol. I am completely confident now thank you every one for repling to me. 
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#9
Feb 18, 2013, 05:35 PM
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Thank you, you guys have been a great help to me.
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| amandalouise
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#10
Feb 20, 2013, 05:12 PM
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that tells me the solution is talking with your father.... I dont understand why your father and your fiance are talking about the trauma you have gone through.... usually a persons father and fiance dont talk about traumas that the daughter or son has gone through... usually parents and fiances talk about things like welcoming him to the family, and other normal conversation like sports, jobs, common ground things... example when my sister got ingaged the discussion was about past family outings, quirky things my sister did like getting stuck in the washing machine when her friend dared her to climb in to get the lone sock stuck on the bottom. talk about the dysfunctional side of my sister like her past alcohol drug use, sexual abuse, and treatment never entered into the conversations. the bottom line is that fiances usually talk about traumas between each other not between another family member and the fiance... unless you are the one that brings up what happens to you...and in that case since you know the trigger is discussing your traumatic history when your father and fiance are together, is a trigger then again the solution is simple.. pick other times for you and your fiance to discuss you traumatic history, not when your father is around. and if your fiance is still getting triggered by it you may need to find yourself someone else like a therapist that you can discuss your traumatic history with, so that you are not triggering your fiance. |
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