[volatile]

I've had to do this alone for years because of horrible experiences in the health system.
Iwas dxed with Schizoaffective bipolar which I'm positive is a misdiagnoses (that's another story tho) But anyway, outside of my normal paranoid ideas I have these.. " mini episodes" where I kind of lose touch with myself in reality and I don't know who I am. I mean literally... I panic because I think I might be someone else. I know it sounds completely stupid but idk what it is. I'll think I might possibly be someone in a tv show or a movie or book, sometimes I think I'm a friend or even a man and that especially causes me to panic. I try to tell myself it's not that way and I am ME but then I think who am I? I have to ask people to tell me what my name is or desperately reach out to someone just so I know for sure. When I look in the mirror I have no connection with the person that I see. I mean I really feel dead like I am a ghost like I am in purgatory to suffer for ever. I really am convinced sometimes that I am actually dead.
This happened to me just the other day for a couple hours and I realized maybe this isn't a normal psychosis because I don't feel delusional, I just feel completely empty and I have no connection with myself in reality. If that makes sense. It's like I'm dissociating from myself to the point I don't even know for sure who or what or where I am and I become scared. Everything is just empty information when I'm in these episodes. It's like I have no feed back and I'm grasping at straws.

Idk what this is. maybe i am dissociating maybe i am just psychotic idk.
I just want someone to talk to me about this that might know what it is like.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by volatile

I've had to do this alone for years because of horrible experiences in the health system.
Iwas dxed with Schizoaffective bipolar which I'm positive is a misdiagnoses (that's another story tho) But anyway, outside of my normal paranoid ideas I have these.. " mini episodes" where I kind of lose touch with myself in reality and I don't know who I am. I mean literally... I panic because I think I might be someone else. I know it sounds completely stupid but idk what it is. I'll think I might possibly be someone in a tv show or a movie or book, sometimes I think I'm a friend or even a man and that especially causes me to panic. I try to tell myself it's not that way and I am ME but then I think who am I? I have to ask people to tell me what my name is or desperately reach out to someone just so I know for sure. When I look in the mirror I have no connection with the person that I see. I mean I really feel dead like I am a ghost like I am in purgatory to suffer for ever. I really am convinced sometimes that I am actually dead.
This happened to me just the other day for a couple hours and I realized maybe this isn't a normal psychosis because I don't feel delusional, I just feel completely empty and I have no connection with myself in reality. If that makes sense. It's like I'm dissociating from myself to the point I don't even know for sure who or what or where I am and I become scared. Everything is just empty information when I'm in these episodes. It's like I have no feed back and I'm grasping at straws.

Idk what this is. maybe i am dissociating maybe i am just psychotic idk.
I just want someone to talk to me about this that might know what it is like.

I cant give you a diagnosis (tell you what this is) only your treatment providers can do that....

psychosis does not havwe to be accompanied by delusions. the two symptoms can stand on their own...some people with schizoaffective disorder just have delusions, others just have psychosis, others have a mixture of both. plus being psychotic or delusional are not the only diagnostic criteria for schizo affective disorder.. theres more to that diagnostic, theres like 5 different criteria and two different types of schizo affective disorder...those that have a bipolar type and those that have a depressive type....

that said I can tell you one of the major differences in psychosis and switching into an alter (some locations call this dissociating) is how you perceive your self during these as you call them "mini episodes"

with psychosis the person believes ...they not their alter... is someone else. that someone else can be someone famous, someone on tv, someone in the movies, in books...

with dissociating the person believes they are their self and their alter is someone different. that someone different can be anything, anyone.

now examples....

psychosis would be like one time when my meds were totally out of whack and it caused me to have psychosis... that psychotic episode caused me to believe I was a wolf. it was me still but I felt ...I...was an owl.

when I would dissociate I would switch into one of my animalistic alters.. Ill use the same animal to show you the distinction....

I would get troggered by something then I would dissociate...and the alter owl would come out. I was not the owl. owl was not me. we were two very different individuals functioning completely on our own. I did not think/perceive myself to be owl... i was amanda and owl was owl.

see the distinction....in psychosis the person believes/thinks and perceives ........their self .....to be someone else.

where as with dissociation the person still believes/perceives ....their self to be their self.... and ......someone else..... is the other person. the sense of reality remains intact. theres no confusion over who is who, and no forgetting who you are. you are you and the alter is the alter real firm boundary so to speak.

Again Im not trying to diagnose you, just show you the difference between psychosis and dissociation...

my suggestion if this keeps bothering you contact your treatment provider.. they can explain to you why you are diagnosed the way you are and go more into detail about the differences between psychosis and dissociation, the difference between believing ...you are someone different vs you being you and a completely different identity taking over.

[TheStrange]

Wish we could tell you what it may be, can relate to the having no connection with self part, like you're not sure if you're anything at all , if there's even a 'you', like you could be a complete stranger to yourself (if there's even a 'self'). Often feels as if conversations, life events, everything goes right past you, it's like not even being there..

[Claritytoo]

I am still afraid that I don't know which of me I am. And there are times when I dissociate that I feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. It is a feeling of floating only I am not floating. If that state persists I use ice or something to ground myself. You mentioned you have had bad experiences with the medical system. That happens almost to everyone at some point but there are good therapists out there. You just have to go to different ones until you find the one that fits. That is what I did. They are like shoes. Not everyone is going to fit so you have to try them on. The therapist I had before the one I have now did not listen to me. She saw it one way and that was it. So I said good bye and found the therapist I have now. In the beginning I was cautious but we all gave her a chance and now most of us trust her. I think you would do best if you could get back into counseling. It is not always perfect but it is a safety net when things start to spin. I hope you feel better.

[volatile]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

................

I never said I actually believe I was these different people, I said I don't feel connected to myself and I don't know who I am. In those moments i am no different than these empty personalities I see on tv because there is no self to differentiate from and i panic because I COULD be those people because I do NOT HAVE A SELF that I can feel. I can't explain any further.
I also NEVER mentioned DID so you are missing the point of my post. I only mentioned dissociation, this forum is for dissociative disorders. This forum is not only for DID.
I know what Schizoaffective is very well and I do not fit the criteria for it at all.
I talked to my therapist today and she said what I am going through is called Depersonalization, which is a form of Dissociation.
Thanks for your reply anyway.

[volatile]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I am still afraid that I don't know which of me I am. And there are times when I dissociate that I feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. It is a feeling of floating only I am not floating. If that state persists I use ice or something to ground myself. You mentioned you have had bad experiences with the medical system. That happens almost to everyone at some point but there are good therapists out there. You just have to go to different ones until you find the one that fits. That is what I did. They are like shoes. Not everyone is going to fit so you have to try them on. The therapist I had before the one I have now did not listen to me. She saw it one way and that was it. So I said good bye and found the therapist I have now. In the beginning I was cautious but we all gave her a chance and now most of us trust her. I think you would do best if you could get back into counseling. It is not always perfect but it is a safety net when things start to spin. I hope you feel better.

thank you. I actually am seeing a therapist but haven't been going for very long. I didn't feel like I could talk to her about these things but I did today. I had to push through my fear from my other experiences and it paid off. I'm still not sure if she's the right fit but I'm going to try and figure it out.
I feel disconnected a lot as well, like I'm floating. I'm learning some grounding techniques so hopefully i can stop freaking out. ice seems like a good idea when I have access to it at least, or maybe like ice water on my face. i think that would help too. I've been practicing breathing and focusing so next time i'll do the ice together and see how it helps.

[Kendyll]

I mentioned this on another thread...You could try Altoids as a simple grounding mechanism. They are very stimulating without being harmful and they really help bring me back to reality.
You are right that there are other dissociative disorders and our dissociations are just as real (or unreal) and deserving of treatment. Good for you for talking with your T. It can be hard to trust a new one (especially after bad ones), but it can be worth it.

[jax01]

I have had similar experiences to what you have described. I was going to suggest you search on depersonalization, and derealization but seems you are already aware of them.
I avoid mirrors because of how unsettling it is. I can only handle so many bizarre experiences on any given day. When they are bad they are really, really bad.