[OneAndMany]

May trigger - talks about s*x*al ab*s* but with no details

Hi everyone,

Have been having a hard time this past week. Hubby was out of town for work Tues thru Friday night and my Mom decided to drop off a four-page "letter of apology" on Tuesday afternoon. Then we started emailing each other about once per day, trying to set up a time and place to meet on Saturday to discuss the letter. I had not spoken to or emailed either of my parents since I confronted them about my Dad sexually abusing me growing up. (I confronted them because I have a 2 yo daughter and I watched him have inappropriate boundaries with her repeatedly. It was actually watching them sitting together that caused me to remember what happened to me.)

Long story short, getting the letter wasn't great, the emails were worse, and meeting on Saturday was very difficult. Before the meeting, I chickened out (ok, "practiced good self-care") of talking to Mom about the stuff in her letter. I sent her a long email requesting further clarifications and made a few observations. Received her reply Sat. night. It was horrible. I cried for about an hour. My reaction wasn't off-base cause hubby read it too and was pretty steamed and also disappointed. He had been led to believe when talking to my parents a few weeks ago that both parents were out of denial and actively seeking therapy so that they can see my daughter again. Turns out my dad definitely does not believe it happened, has only had two sessions of therapy in the last 5 weeks, and is seeking out information about false memories to support his theory. Mom believes it happened but is still able to deny some of the behaviors of my Dad's that she and I watched together and discussed at the time that it happened. She now doesn't remember it that way. I'm really glad that I journal important stuff like that when it happens so that I can go back and see if I am wrong. Mom wrote "I don't believe Dad is/was seriously mentally ill because the sexual abuse was due to having alcoholic blackouts" and since he doesn't drink anymore we don't have to worry about his granddaughters. Agggghhhhh!

I'm really sad right now and also angry. The reason that I confronted them was so that my daughter might be able to have my parents be in her life after they got help/treatment (my mom didn't sexually abuse me, but she enabled him then and now). I know that it has only been 5 1/2 weeks since I confronted them, but I feel as though I have stepped into a deep dark pit of pain and misery that will continue for much too long.

Oh, and to add to my confusion, my father dissociated during the confrontation in my therapist's office whenever sexual abuse was discussed. My therapist saw it too. His mind was just not present in the room. When addressed directly, he would come back and say "huh, I wasn't able to listen because I'm too overwhelmed", but was able to stay present whenever we didn't talk about sex directly. And I saw the same "not present not responding" look when he used to sit with my daughter with her hands in/next to his crotch (at which point I would walk up and tell him to say it wasn't ok, he looked at me blankly, I told daugher to move her hands). Is he DID? Can a person not have DID but repeatedly dissociate whenever sexual abuse is discussed or is taking place? I just don't understand how an intelligent man can be told "your granddaughter's hands should not go anywhere that you would feel uncomfortable with an adult female's hands going" and yet he appeared not to notice that her hands were next to his crotch two minutes later.

And the reason I'm posting here rather than Survivors forum is because switching and coping have become ever so much harder this week. Lots of alters are trying to deal with the crap that is coming out, and getting through the day has become a challenge. I am able to take care of my daughter, put frozen dinners in the microwave at night, wash clothes, and not much else. I had a martini one night this week, felt almost drunk, switched, felt not drunk at all, switched back. Felt very confused by this also. I know that it is "normal" to have different reactions to the alcohol depending on who is out, but I don't have much experience with drinking and switching after becoming more co-conscious.

I've been missing being mentally capable of being "here" at PC this week. Posting anything was really tough and I wasn't able to read a lot of posts either. I know that I'm still pretty new, but I feel like I'm getting to know some of you and I like all of you. This is the first place ever where I sometimes feel like I could "belong".

I'll close with saying thank you to everyone here just for being here and listening, especially when I'm not sure that what I've said makes sense.

Elizabeth

(((( Elizabeth ))))

I'm sorry, this is all I have to give at the moment.

I have you in my thoughts though, and I will tell you once again, your strength and bravery amazes me and I admire you for that.

anybody and everybody can dissociate and in fact do every day of their lives. Dissociation is just thinking about other things then what you are physically doing...

watching tv and getting so concentrated on the tv show you don't notice what is physically going on around you- the person sitting next to you gets up and gets something to eat or changes positions but you don't notice it because you arre mentally concentrating on the movie.

And people are not considered DID just because they dissociate.

What distinguishes the person as being DID is that they act out their memories that have been separated and stored at the unconscious level.. for example someone sitting in a mall eating and talking to friends and someone goes into a conversation about something that is the persons trigger, lets say the persons trigger is the word kiss. the friend is talking about the kiss she recieved on her date and suddenly the person with DID hears the word - kiss - and starts feeling far away and then the next thing she knows she is out side in her friends car. what she doesn't remember is that because she imagined herself floating away from the triggering topic at hand - the kiss by a date - the brain working like a computer matched the triggering topic - kiss by a date - and replayed that matching piece of memory. mentally the person is off floating but physically she is now talking and interacting with her friend based on the memory content of her being kissed on a date.

If your father was DID he would have taken part in the conversation based on what memory was replaying in his mind.

Statists wise there are alot of convicted rapists that do not remember their actually committing their abusive acts. The reason is yea they disoociated - they thought of something else while committing the act - be it their favorite actor / actress or daydreamed any other scenerio in which it would make their commiting the crime either not be one of force (how many of us have been blamed for wearing the wrong clothes or other rediculas excuse for why our abusers hurt us?)

Theres probably no doubt your father can and did dissociate but only a professional can say if he is DID so Im betting the fact that he realized he was not listening and admitted to not listening could very well just mean he was thinking about something other then the present conversation. The DID's that I have contact with don't say they weren't listening after they dissociate because they are too confused, foggy headed and have a headache when "comming back" so they are busy trying to cover that they don't remember things so people don't think they are crazy

So yea he can and probably did dissociate because every human being can and does dissociate everyday and is normal behavior when bored, concentrating or even during conversations they are not interested in or want to have.

As for him being DID - its anyones guess until he is tested and my guess is I don't think so.

[OneAndMany]

Thank you, Tunia. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Hugs and good thoughts are very helpful. Sometimes I don't feel very strong or brave it it is good to have you see that in me.

Things are starting to feel better again. Time seems to do wonders.



Elizabeth

[OneAndMany]

Thank you, myself. I like your explanations of dissociation--they do make sense. I brought this up Monday night with my T and she said my Dad could or could not be DID, it is hard to tell. I think that the issue of whether he is or isn't DID became less important to me after realizing that I'm ready to acknowledge reality, let go of the father that I want to have (a fantasy father who would never have hurt me), and begin to mourn my childhood and the loss of my father.

My own switching has decreased or been less pronounced since seeing that reality will never match up to what I want. This is good.



Elizabeth

Yup that reality sure is a hard one sometimes. Glad you are feeling better.

[January]

(((((((( Elizabeth )))))))

Hugs,

Jan

[OneAndMany]

((((((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))))))

Thank you for the hugs,

Elizabeth

[(JD)]

Grrrr. I would suggest you NOT meeting THIS weekend at all as you have covered so very much this week already. That you are reeling from it shows me that you are moving too fast on this. I understand your wanting to get it done, aired out or whatever...but you simply must take care of yourself first... Please be careful.

[Evangelista]

(((((Elizabeth)))))

Hugs..just wanted you to know..hope that things settle down for you(s) soon after such a hard week..

[OneAndMany]

Yes, Sky, I agree. I have been in slight seclusion since Sat night, just working on getting grounded again. This is one of the things T talked about on Monday night--working so that I can stay safer when dealing with my parents. Right now, no more emails or letters or meetings (no matter how brief). Just taking care of me time (and family and work too ).

You know, I thought I wanted to work to get past all this, but after last week, I kind of threw up my hands and said "I give. I don't care about having them as my parents right now.". It felt horrible, but pretty good afterwards. Confusing, huh?



Elizabeth

[OneAndMany]

(((((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))))

Thanks--and I really like how you said "you(s)". It made others feel good to be acknowledged.

Elizabeth