WOW!!! I just got a glimpse of how IT can begin!!!

I will try to put this into understandable words. Bear with me OK?

In the work that I've done, I've realized that two interal phrases and aid in dissociation for me..."This is not happening" and "I don't want to be here."

My little man was in the tub, doing his wonderful imaginary play, right? He had his rubber ducky, and a bucket. I'm standing right there doing my hair and makeup and, of course, watching him.

All of the sudden I hear out of his mouth, "This is not happening. I don't wanna get d*ad." He had his rubber ducky in the bucket and was pretending that he was dr*wning and he was speaking for the rubber ducky. Well, he continued his play and everything was fine because the rubber ducky was rescued, and he was the rescuer.

In my own mind, the words came to me as well..."this is NOT happening."

I thought back, "No. This is happening and this is how it can, and probably did, begin. This wonderful imaginary play that a child that age is capable of was the escape. However, it wasn't imaginary danger and a rubber ducky. He's not in physical danger and so the outcome was rescue and all is well...even him being the rescuer. However, to a child that is in danger, sees no escape, and so forth, it continues and progresses and IT becomes the escape as opposed to the outsider or "real" being a form of escape. The solutions, rescues, everything is internal...only the danger is real as opposed to imaginary.

Am I making any sense?

This was something so amazing to witness and connect with for me.

KD

Hi KD,
I usually don't venture into this forum much but I saw your title and got curious enough to peek in.
I don't know the first thing about Disassociative Disorder but what you wrote was crystal clear and I now feel I do understand DD a little better because of it.
I'm glad you had that revelation and I hope it helps you with your recovery. (((((((KD)))))))

Thank you ((((((((((( Jax )))))))))))))

Of course, there's much more to it. However, to see THAT age and THAT type of imagination wherein anything is possible was truly amazing for me to see...the same words even.

For a child living in continual abuse and life threatening situations, it's a true gift...life-saving even.

Also, to see my little man and know that he can play it out safely is a blessing as well.

I still can't describe all that it meant to me somewhere.

Thanks again.

Love,

KD

You know, KD-sometimes I wish I had kids so I can get that "justification" feeling when I see them being able to play innocently and happily and to know that I created that for them. It's such a sweet validation of sorts to know in spite of the hell you've been through, you are capable of making something good from something really bad that happened 'cause you can appreciate it sooo much more when it's right and it's good and you're not passing on that nastiness to the next generation.
(((KD and Little Man)))))) I'm very happy for you and for Little Man.
It sounds like your inner workings are healing. I'm by no means knowledgeable about healing inner workings but I get a feeling that it's happening within you from reading this post.

i would say youve hit the nail on the head kimmy

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))))

I understand what YOU are saying KD.... for if we can just step back and see the enitre picture, then we can see our DID as a GIFT and not a life sentence.

Thanks..... for sharing
LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

You are making perfect sense (((((((((Kimmy))))))))

When children are abused they imagine theirself out and away from the situation and basically says ok this isn't happening to me its happening to so and so (the best friend, family dog, another relative, the plant they are looking at whatever and who ever they have contact with during that time frame.)

I became the one safely floating in my la la land and thanks to my using my imagination the memory of the abuse became known as Katherine, mary and so on.

La la land = my imagining a safe place of floating away from the abuse while being abused became my escape.

La La Land is not a real place someone can get into their car and go to. It is my imagination that created la la land and allowed it to SEEM real and still does when I need it.

and my "insiders" or as I call them memory pieces - They are not flesh and blood real. They are only as real as I imagined them based on what I looked like at the age that I created them and or the people that were in my life at the time I created them using my imagination. They don't have their own brains and bodys to do what they want.

The dangerous situations were real But it was my imagination that gave a "name and body" to those dangerous situations so that I could continue imagining that the dangerous situations didn't happen to me.

Yup it sure is amazing to make that connection and realize that as children we sure were amazing and had a fantastic imagination, and using that imagination we were able to save our own lives and sanity when there was no rescue from outside ourselves available.

Once I made that connection I realized I actually had more control then I realized over how much I dissociate and so on.

((((Kimmy))))



We are unique...most grown-ups know what being young at heart is..we have hearts that are young..some broken..some mending..some ..but we know what it is because we keep that child's heart(s) close to our(s)..

Strange how most rush to grow up, once grown rush to go back, once old go home to what was rushed from..the child that was left behind...everyone usually meets them along life's journey, may not recognize them because they hurry so...but wait till the end when something slows them down enough ...then they will get reaquainted...and with DID..we carry them always they share our path...as we share theirs..for better or worse..just my thoughts on the subject..rambling as they be...

I think the insight you received from the interaction with this precious soul..brought you home yet once again...to those that you carry along life's path...gentle hugs to all...

Eva

Wow.

Jan

moments to live for....... precious, on sooo many levels.......

kd...your insight and observations always amaze me. Your ability to see what is there for all to see yet it's so often missed. I never "saw" that before. ( I am not sure THAT makes sense but I am going with it. )

You make perfect sense in what you wrote. The strength and flexability of a child's mind is incredible. The abilty to sort and file massive amounts of information and then if it is too much or too painfull...do what you have to do to survive and go on.

Take care ((((( kd )))))

I can't thank you all enough for validating what I considered in the moment to be rambling. I felt SO much that I wasn't sure I was putting it out right...

You know, I've not read much on DID...it confuses and overwhelms me. However, from what I have read (mostly my friends here sharing) what I saw made such perfect, and absolute, sense.

Of course, there's so much more complication to create the wonderment of DID. However, I can see that fragile mind at the point with a child who knows no danger. I can imagine and see the stuff that happened here because of danger...real and imagined (because of the real).

I can also see how it continued, separated more to deal, carried on and developed from there.

This, I think, has become a life changing awareness for me...both in appreciation and awe.

Much love and respect,

KD

What you are saying makes total sense kd. It's awesome when we can see things and have a realization of something. You are so blessed with that little boy as he is with you. I'm glad you found each other.

(((((((((((( kimmy ))))))))))))

Thank you, wantto.

It sure is a blessing in many ways...

kd

(((((((((((((((((( fuzziest bear )))))))))))))))))))))

thank you as always.

kd