[Jennifer1084]

I'm just getting so tired of everything. It's getting harder and harder to function. I have been so busy and it has been really hard to make time to make it here. I started my classes a few weeks ago and I had to drop two and I feel like a failure because of it. I'm also working (where I am now) and it hasn't been going all that well either. I was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, again for the 7 time this year. I'm just getting so tired of it.
I seem to be getting more and more depressed and I've been ignoring my alters lately. I know this is not a good thing to do, but my life is just so hectic right now.
Also my T told me that I shouldn't call my only friend anymore. So now I have no one. I'm so alone.
Sorry all for this post, I am just hurting so much and I don't even know if I can express it.

Jennifer

(((Jennifer)))
Sounds like you really have alot going on. When I get so overwhelmed I usually make a list of all the things I *have* to do and really look at them. It sometimes helps put things in perspective.

Dropping classes because it is too difficult to function is not a failure--it is taking care of yourself.
So is going in the hospital---
What about medication? Is there need for a change or for your pdoc to look at it??
Sometimes things like working with alters needs to rest for a bit unless you are having problems with them--like one is acting out and is the one causing you to have to go into the hospital. One of the things suggessted to me was to let who ever is having a need to do something have a time to do that. Kind of scheduling time.

Why would your T say you can't call your only friend anymore?? Is it because the relationship is causing problems or upsetting you??

Keep talking about what is going on. It helps to write or ramble or whatever...
Listening
w_i

[Jennifer1084]

Thanks for replying back and listening to my rambling on.
My T doesn't want me to talk to my friend becuase it is mainly what put me in the hospital the last two times. She has a habit of not answering my phone calls for weeks and not returning phone calls. It gets really hard on me because she is the only person I have to talk to.
This last time I went to her house, she wouldn't answer the door, but she was home because her door was open. That really hurt me and other parts of me. So later on one of my alters started threatening me and that's when I went to the hospital.
I keep getting told that maybe this just isn't a good friend. I don't know, she's been the best friend I have ever had. So this is all really hard on me.

Thanks again,
Jennifer

I hear you---
Did your T talk to you about your friend's behavior?
I know how hard it is to think that you can't see or talk to a friend. Maybe, though, your T has a point. Perhaps give it a week or so of not calling her. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing to be contacting her right now. It is doing harm to you and your system.
Perhaps she is going thru some of her own stuff and just can't be there for you. It would be nice if she could tell you why she is unavailable right now--but maybe she can't.

You could take this time to cultivate new relationships with classmates. Just to do things with.
RL friendships are hard.
w_i

Hi there Jenefer -
When I was in college I would purposely register for full time knowing all I could do was part time. That way I could attend all the classes to get a feel for them and which ones fit me at that moment and then drop those that did not fit me at that moment. That way I could focus my energy and time on the ones that were right for me and do good in them. By doing it this way my college transcript had all passing grades which helps with financial aid student loans later on down the road. Abank is more apt to loan money to a student who has a record for excelling in the courses that they did not drop, and a drop on the transcript looks better then an "incomplete" because you can say with a "drop" that you signed up for the courses to get a feel for where your focus should be, but what can you tell the financial people about an incomplete - I didn't get to finish because... and they see someone sitting in front of them making excuses for not making up the work in a timely manner or even caring to so their education must not be as important then they are portraying rightnow.

There is no shame in dropping courses, and I think it is great that you were able to recognize your limits of time and so on and were able to drop those courses. If it turns out that you need thoses courses that you dropped you can always register for them later on down the road when you have the time and focus needed in order to do them.

Sorry to hear you were in the hospital. Hospitals can become tiresome and a real pain in the tush. For me they don't work and when a therapist in the past hospitalized me she saw I was not benefitting from it so she did not hospitalize me again. instead we found other techniques that worked.

So maybe you can sit down with your therapist and discuss whether or not you are benefitting and what those benefits are for you. and if its not helpig to put you in to the hospital maybe the two of you can start putting in place a different type of therapy plan which will enable you to not be hospitalized so much. Therapists plan their clients therapy sessions based on what that client needs, and the only way they know what their clients needs are is if the client tells them before they end up being hospitalized what they need during those hard times that are leading to th e hospitalizations.

By the way therapists legally cannot tell a person who they can be friends with and who they can't be friends with. Doing so is considered unethical. a therapist works with clients so that they become more independant of the therapist and less isolated. Telling a client to stop calling their friends is considered isolating a client and is the first sign of abuse.That right there is grounds for reporting tthe therapist to her/his supervisor and your state board of certified and or licensed clinical social workers for official investigation into his/her therapy practices with you and all that therapist other clients as well for abusing clients.

If this was me I would be calling the therapist's supervisor and placing a report and a request to be switched to a different therapist within the agency. Once I have made that call I would not meet with that abusive therapist alone to discuss the situation.

You have every right to and can contact your friends any time you want to. so go right ahead and do it. that therapist cannot legally enforce their request that you cannot be contact your friends.

So what that friend doesn't answer her phone and you land in the hospital the therapist still is out of line ethically, morally and legally by telling you not to contact that friend.

It is up to you not your therapist, to decide your friends and if you want to put up with this type of friendship.and it also wasnt your friend not answering the phone that put you into the hospital. That is like saying my best friend is to blame for my cutting if she is not home when I am feeling like I want to cut and because she does not answer the phone I go ahead and cut. Im the one that is making the the choice to cut. my friend is not the one standing her putting the blade in my hand. I have options regardless of who my friends are, those choices are take care of myself by using my grounding techniques and other tools that I have learned in and out of therapy to take care of myself and if I (not my friends) don't take care of me then my ending up in the hospital could very well happen.

Its not my friends responsibility to answer every one of my calls because I may land in the hospital if they don't. Whether or not I land in the hospital is MY responsibiility not my friends.

I have alot of friends but they work or live in other states so alot of times they can not be here for m e by phone and that also isn't their fault that I have sertain friends that I call with sertain situations. Like if I need medical help I always call one specific person. and its not her fault that I rely on her for that. its MY responsibility to have other things too incase she is not available which has happened more than once where she was at work and I have needed medical help.

Mental health is the same way if a person is unavailable for whatever reasons be it a person has only one friend or lots of friends its the persons responsibility to have other options available for the times that chosen friend is not available.

You know your friend is not very relaible when it comes to crisis situations so now its time for you to set up other options for future crisis situation in the event that that friend is unavailable.

And you have lots of options available to you so you are not alone -

psych central and other on line support groups for venting needs not crisis needs
your therapist name and number
your local ER
hotlines like Suicide hotlines
local crisis centers
Check with your area's mental health agencies and locate a real time support group and or therapy groups
Classes like anger management, depression management, self injury management and so on

There are lots of options open to you but only you can do the work of locating them and particiapting in them.

and by the way just because a friend is unable to "do" crisis situations does not mean they are not a good friend.

SKR is not my therapist anymore but she is a friend and she has no choice but to be unavailable to me during crisis situations. This doesn't mean she is a bad friend. It just means that - I - have to accept (and do) that she cannot do crisis situations with me and that - I - have to and do accept her for how she is now in our relationship.And for those situations in which I can no longer bring to her - I - have to have other options to use.

I have a good friend that has been there for me for 14 years. She cannot do any more then be a long distance support person who I can vent to and when she can she offers her expertise and advise. But she has a very full life raising a family and teaching and so on that limits what she can do with and for me. That doesn't make her a bad friend it just means that - I - have to (and do) accept her as she is and what she can be and do for and with me.

No matter what type of friendship it is between two people there are limits to what that friend can do for another. That doesn't make them a bad friend. It just means that in order to be that persons friend you have to accept the person how there are and what they can offer within the friendship. and going against that persons limits is considered not being a good friend.

I would not be a good friend to SKR if I kept showing up on her doorstep expecting her to help me when I am in crisis now that she is not my thereapist but is now my friend.

I would not be a good friend to my friend of 14 years if I started demanding more contact from her then her life and time allows.

In lasting friendships you accept the person for who they are and what they can offer during the friendship NOT by taking and forcing them to be and do what we want them to do and be.

You can still be this persons friend but part of that is knowing she cannot be there for you 100% of the time and that includes crisis situation. Its that friends right to not answer her phone or door when she is not in the mood for company. Its your responsibility to look for other options for when you need what this friend cannot do.

Since alters are trigger related taknig care of this situation now by setting up other options to be used when your friend is unavailable will also prevent your acting out as this alter in this type of situation again.

[Jennifer1084]

I guess I didn't say it quite right. My T didn't just come out and tell me that I shouldn't talk to my friend. She told me this after I asked her what she thought. But when I was in the hospital one of the people who worked there told me that I shouldn't talk to her anymore, because she said that the friendship was just too hard on me. Neither of them told me that the friend was bad or anything. I don't think that my T was unethical at all. Especially because I asked for her opinion.

I guess another problem I have, which I am trying to work on is the fact that I am too dependent on some people. Like I only have one friend, that I consider a closer friend. As my T explains it, I put all the eggs in one basket. So this just sets me up for failure. She kind of warned me of this before it happened.

I have tried other things before I go to the hospital and none of them seem to work though. But maybe I just need to try some new things.

Well thank you for your reply by the way, it was very insightful.

Jennifer

[hillbunnyb]

)))))) ) )jennifer (((( ((( whooooo boy, the limits our illness puts on us is one of the hardest things about being mentally illl for me. my appetite for life is so much bigger than my capacity to actually get out there and live it. humble-ing-ly yuk. i guess we have to crash into our limits time after time, until it finally sinks in that we can only do so much. period. i call it "life as triage". we're always pinned between the hard choices of what we want to do/need to do. it's such a fast world out there, we get flung off if we aren't ever vigilent of our personal limits/boundaries. make lists and prioritize. try not setting yourself up to do too much. good luck.

Hi Jennifer,
What if your friendship like when you do finally talk or get together? Does she listen to you, is she supportive?

I think if you know you need someone who's going to be there for you and she's not-then maybe you're not as close as you may think or she may not think so?
To me, not calling a friend back for weeks on end is someone who thinks there are so many things more important than me as a friend in her life. Reading your post about this "friend" reminded me of my "friendship" with my sister. Same scenario with the phone call or email, and with the visit to her house-only she would open the door but then shoe would be busy with housework and when she was finally finished- we- no, SHE would talk and it would all be about her, her, and her and and her problems. Sooo, with that said-I may just be projecting. Hmmm?
Anyhow, I agree with White_Iris with your taking care of yourself with cancelling a couple of classes. You're only being realistic and not setting yourself up for failure and I say Bravo to you for seeing that and knowing yourself well enough! Don't knock yourself for that, you should be proud of yourself for that insightfulness.
As for going into the hospital 7 times. You're sick and you need help. When a person breaks a leg do you scorn them for having to go to the hospital 7 times to get the leg fixed, checked up on and physical therapy?
Just because you're not physically bruised and bleeding doesn't mean your pain isn't real.
That's the problem with mental illness. We become our illness. I'm depressed, I'm bi-polar, I'm schizophranic...
Not I have an episode of a depressed mind like you would say I have a broken leg. It messes with our heads all the more so-the last thing we need right?

((((((Jennifer)))))) I hope you feel better soon.

Yea I thought maybe that was the case. sometimes in the heat of the moment of reacting from the answer its hard to remember when we have actually asked for the therapist opinion. Since it was her OPINION not her telling you not to contact that friend then the therapist was not wrong.

Yea I do agree with you that you may need to try new things. and Im sorry I came on like rambo chick so that you could see through the emotions to the situation. But hey Thats one thing you told me you liked about me on another website when you asked me to be a mentor for you. If I remember right you said on that other website - that I put it all out there the way it is and my doing so helps you see and understand things better.

I may have slacked off a bit after I brought you here so that you could get to know others here but Im still here for you just like I am on that other website, though Im here more often then there.LOL

Hang in there Jenifer making new friends can be scarey but you can do it. Look at how you came here knowing only me and have made so many friends.

You are not alone. We are all here for you.

[Jennifer1084]

Thank you all again for the support and replies. It makes me feel so much better seeing that some people actually do care.

I am trying to not call this friend and it's been really hard not to. We use to talk everyday, so not having that is really difficult.

Myself, I am so surprised that you even remembered that, that was awhile ago and I do thank you for your help. I know it's hard for me to see through things sometimes and I can sure use any help that I can get.

My goal is to just wait it out and see if my friend will call me eventually. If not then I guess it is her loss, and she was just not the right friend for me. Maybe the friends I have here are the right friends for me, who knows? I consider you all my friends and I hope that I will get closer to each one of you.

Sorry I do not post or reply much as I am busy with school and work. I do pop into chat though. Well anyway, enough of that.
Thanks again.

Jennifer

You bet its her loss.
LOL yea I remember.
The way you have been posting is just fine.
hang in there.

[January]

((((((((((( Jennifer )))))))))))))

I hope things get better for you very soon.

Hugs,

Jan